Straight-ish (Hwang Hyunjin Fanfic)

15

Hyunjin took Maria to a crazy little place that had a 1920's theme. It was a little pricey for dinner but came with a show that the audience participated in. He thought it would be something just goofy and fun to do that would allow them to both just relax in each other's presence. He dressed up in a sleek suit with a fedora, and Maria wore a super cute mini dress with fringe everywhere. She was so excited about the idea that she even got Hyunjin a carnation for his lapel. "Finishing touch," she smiled as she pinned it at his pocket. The night was incredible. The show included dancers, a gunfight, a skit show, a little bit of mystery, and a lot of audience participation. By the time they left, they were laughing and having aa great time together. They walked back to the parking garage toward the car and Hyunjin gripped her hand. He loved spending time with her, and he thought she looked beautiful, but admiration was all he felt. She was wearing this slinky little dress with heels that forced a swing into her walk, and he felt nothing. He decided right then that it had to be mental because, by all rights, he should be a raging ball of hormonal lust. He wanted to want her. That would be normal. He would make himself want her. He'd done it before. As they approached the car, he spun her around and stepped forward, pushing her back into the car. He turned on the flirt he used when he danced. He slid his fingers up her arm with just the slightest touch, leaving goosebumps in his wake. When he reached her neck, he grazed the back of his nails over the skin of her throat and slipped his hand to the back of her neck. He pulled her forward and kissed her. Her own body had been on fire for him all night, and she responded immediately. She nibbled at his lip and slipped her tongue between his lips. Her fingers gathered the hair at the base of his head as she held him there. She was needy and ready to give him whatever he wanted. His hands wandered over her back as she arched away from the car. He made his way down and gripped at her hips. The kiss was heating him up, but not like it should have. He tried harder, forcing his tongue into her mouth, wrestling for control. She understood the action as a display of dominance and moaned into his mouth. Then he knew. He knew that no matter how badly he should want her, he didn't. He could walk away now, and he'd be no worse off than if he had seen some sexy scene in a movie. She was on fire. He could feel the heat coming off of her body and it reminded him of the warmth of sleeping next to Seungmin. Suddenly, he felt a jolt of heat course through his veins and he was ready, now. He gripped at her hips and pulled her against him. She put her hands against his chest and gently backed him down. "Not here, baby," she whispered. "Let's go to my place. It's closer." He nodded, his mind clouded with need and confusion. He opened her door and helped her in, then raced around to the other side, hopping in and driving them to her home.

He had cooled off a bit by the time they got there, but she asked him to come inside. He agreed and followed her in. She offered him a drink, and it helped to relax his inhibitions. She kicked off her heels and walked toward him, straddling his lap and lacing her fingers into his hair. She pulled his head back quickly and kissed him with animalistic hunger. She began to rock her hips against his crotch and since he was still hard, the friction was getting to him, but mentally, he was somewhere else. He had realized that what set him off was the thought of Seungmin wrapped around him. Seungmin in his bed. The possibility of Seungmin touching him. He felt the heat building in him, but he was making the connections now. He didn't want to hurt her. He broke the kiss and laid his hands on her hips, pressing to hold her still. "Wait," he whispered. When she didn't immediately relax, he asked again, "Maria, wait."

This time, she heard him. She pulled back and looked into his eyes. What she saw changed her whole frame of mind. His eyes were growing red. Tears were hanging on the edges of his eyelids and threatening to fall. "I can't," he whispered. Maria was confused. He had started all of this. She didn't understand what happened that could have upset him.

"What's wrong?" she asked, gently caressing his cheek as the first tear slipped down his cheek.

"I like you. I like you a lot. And God knows I want to want this... But I think I'm in love with someone else," he whispered, almost too quietly to be heard.

Maria sighed softly and slid off of his lap, sitting beside him. She had noticed that though she was all over him, he was only mildly aroused. He was responding, but his body wasn't. She thought about the last time he had suddenly switched gears. The night at the club came to mind, and how something changed from when they got there to when Hyunjin started losing control. Her eyes opened wide as she realized what the change was and she whispered, "Seungmin?"

Hyunjin nodded silently. He hadn't admitted this to anyone. Not even himself, before now. That was why he was angry. That was why the nightmares were so much worse. That was why Seungmin was the only thing in the world that could make him feel safe. The tears slipped down his cheeks as he grappled with the realization. Did this mean he was gay? But he knew he was attracted to Maria... just not... physically. He loved the idea of spending time with her, sharing beautiful days and quiet nights with her, but that was all he could see. He didn't understand and it caused him so much pain. She asked him if he could explain what he felt.

He took a deep breath and tried to find the right words. "I love spending time with you. I enjoy our nights out, and I enjoy the affection we share. I like knowing that you're there with me. And even though I thought you were beautiful tonight, physically, I had no reaction at all. I didn't feel... anything. I kissed you and started all of this because I thought it was in my head."