MAC: FACTS AND UPDATES

I Choose To Live

We only have one chance at life and so far the only regrets I have are from my behaviour in the last month as my mother was been unwell.
I have snapped at friends, I have been slacking in class majorly and I just generally don't think I've been a nice person.
My mum was diagnosed with stage 4b cancer. Which is about 50/50 survival rate. And I haven't quite gotten my head around it yet.
At the moment it's 3am and she's asleep in her bedroom. I'm not savouring every second. I'm not crying right now. It just doesn't feel real. I'm either in a state of denial or just confusion. Maybe both.
Either way, I'm doing awful at school and my teachers can see that. I haven't told them what's going on, but I think I will soon.
I'm not sleeping well.
But about 20 minutes ago I just opened up to my friend that I was raped when I was 10 and that it's still effecting me. I hadn't even told my mother.
So I feel like I've got a weight lifted off my shoulder. And in turn I'm trying to help her deal with the pressure of simply being a woman and being so undervalued as a gender.
Last friday I was in the state of mind of 'when will I commit suicide' whereas now its 'will I commit suicide?'
So I guess there's progress?
I don't know why I'm putting this on wattpad of all places. But I'm just hopeless. I've had a whole day of no social interaction at all.
I'm depressed. I think I can say that now. I don't think this is a teenager phase, I don't think this is generally just a bad mood.
I think this is full on depression.
Never in my whole life have I really considered suicide, yes I've wondered what the impact would be, but I've never really wanted to die.
At the moment I'm not living, I'm existing.
I have no motivation to do the things I once loved.
I don't read, I don't write.
I was supposed to have my film finished last Friday.
I haven't even got a film idea. Never mind have a storyboard and actual footage.
I've been taking on so many extra projects at school, like filming, directing and editing a school promo video and editing the whole of a concert from a few weeks ago.
This is all a mask. And I'm only realising that now.
I'm trying to pretend to other people, my friends, my teachers and myself that I'm okay. When I'm not. I'm really really not okay. But I can't help that.
I don't know what to do.
I just want my mum to be okay.
I can't kill myself because that would kill her and the rest of my family.
I just can't stand being alone at home. I need to be back in school where there's a constant distraction, but I'm so behind at school that I feel awful and just like a failure.

I'm so sorry for rambling, I just don't have anyone to talk to and I really hope that you all are okay. Life at home will be difficult some days, but just try to smile. X