MAC: FACTS AND UPDATES

2020

January 7th
So I didn't think I'd do this this year. And absolutely no one will read this. But idk.

So i am 18 years old, in my final year of school. I'm thinking of doing film or music at university..

Dear me on Dec 31st 2020.
Did it happen?
Are you happy?
Did they split up?
Is the family okay?
What university are you at?
Did you do okay in A-Levels?
Are the pets okay?
Did you make new friends?
Was your film okay?
Music or film, what did you choose?
Do you miss him, what's life like without him?
Did you write any new books?
Did you go to Croatia?
Did you go to Florida?
Was it amazing?
Do you miss school?

So if you read the end of last year, you'll know my brother just told he he's dating my best friend.
I just generally felt so used.
So today he collapsed.

I'm trying to organise a trip to Croatia for my friends, but some just aren't on board. I've put such an effort into this.
It's now 1am and I'm doing homework I actually should have been doing earlier.

17.1
I really, really don't want to leave school. I absolutely adore Moving Image Arts, today my teacher told called me a psycho and then I gave him the fingers.
Like I wouldn't even do that to a family member! He's not a teacher, he's an absolute legend

28.1
Ok.ok.ok.
So I'm going to formal with this guy I literally haven't seen in 7 years. Kinda weirded out. He's not good looking or anything.... God... Pffff.... Just got a new dress...

29.1
He asked me if I want to stay in hotel with him... Nahhh... I'm good... We're having an awkward conversation.

31.1
I know everyone has bad days, but today was really really tough.
My mum hasn't been well for the past few days, I didn't want to go to school today but I did, she didn't go to work, she had a doctors appointment.
I didn't hear from her all day till I was driving home and stopped at roadworks, I saw the message that she was in hospital.
So I went home and packed her a bag to stay overnight. I was crying the whole time, I just couldn't keep myself together any longer.
I hate seeing her in a gown. I hate seeing her with tubes, I hate seeing her unwell. It just brought back all the memories of her with cancer when I was young.
So now I'm lying in bed feeling absolutely helpless, wishing only that I could do something, but she's miles away.

1/2
Shes currently having an operation. Idk what's wrong.
I just want her to be okay.

So they had to do a massive operation and removed part of her intestine.
God I just want her to be okay.

2/2
I saw her today, she was a lot better but on a lot of drugs. She should be okay, I just hope I'll get her home in a week or so.
I feel like I should tell someone at school what's going on, but I don't want them to tell the pastoral team. I've got a test tomorrow but there's no possible way I could ever revise for that. My mind is completely focused on mum.

5/2
Mum is getting so much better. I saw her after school yesterday. She was able to walk. She was happier.
I ended up telling my film teacher and he's been really nice to me, he's given me all the time I need.
I've declined everything. Been binge eating chocolate instead of alcohol, feel really sick now though. I drove up yesterday to the hospital, got rather lost but he had shown me the directions. I'm so thankful I've got a teacher like him.

I'm at home on my own.

Mum said shes taken 3 months off work.
She had cancer when I was 4, and then she continued to work from 7am to 7pm every day, some nights she didn't even come home as she was on call. She has seen me grow up at night time.
I'm moving out in 3 months.
So for those 3 months, she doesn't want to be a physio, a manager or a patient.
She wants to be my mum.
And for those 3 months, or at least a few weeks of one of them when she's well. I'm going to get what I've always wanted: I'm going to come home from school and my mum will be there.
It's taken 18 years, but I finally think I've got her back.
Now I'm aware she's got a lot of healing to do, she's still far from better.
But I've got her now, and I'm going to do everything in my power to be with her and help her. If that means failing my a-levels I don't care. I've got her.