Outer Space

Chapter 35 - I Left You

    It was silent, both parties too afraid to speak up and start the conversation that they knew would change things. Whether it made things become more normal between them or it made things a thousand times worse. They were both afraid of change and they were both afraid to open their mouths so in Maddox's empty apartment there was just an eerie silence.

    Maddox was the first of the two to speak up. His initial instinct was to look at the ground and face away from Jemma, but at the same time, he knew he couldn't do that. He wasn't expecting her to be looking at him anyway, and he found his assumption to be correct when he eventually did look at her. He saw that she was still looking at her twiddling fingers. Something he noticed her starting to do the second he let go of her hand when they had walked into the apartment.

    "I left you Jemma," Maddox spoke. It was a single statement that they both already knew to be true. A statement that they have had plenty of time to process since the event had occurred. Yet it still elicited a reaction from Jemma. She raised her head and their eyes met. They could both see the sadness, the despair, and the regret. "I left you," Maddox repeated. He wasn't sure why he spoke the words for a second time but for some reason he knew they had to be said.

    "I know," Jemma said. She wasn't sure what to say, but at the same time, it felt like she had a million things that she wanted to get out. They were stuck and it hurt. It hurt in a way that Jemma and Maddox only experienced when it came to each other.

    "I was scared, I was scared and I did the wrong thing. I left you Jemma" He voiced the same words yet again.

    "I know," Jemma also repeated. Her eyes still connected to his. She felt stuck. She desperately wanted to look away yet, she couldn't move.

    "I left you." He had the words in his head that he wanted to speak yet nothing but that one phrase came out of his mouth. It was like he was stuck on repeat, like something inside him was broken and it kept his brain from controlling his mouth.

    "Damit Maddox." Jemma was angry now, but at the same time she still just sounded sad and depressed. "I know, okay. I know you left me because I was there. I lived through it. I lived through that pain and I was going through a hell of a lot that I needed you for." Finally, she was able to get the words out and it felt good.

    It was Maddox's turn to speak and after hearing what Jemma had to say he was able to express himself a little bit better. "You said that you had Charlie, that she helped you, that she was there for you and stuff." He just wanted to know. He wasn't trying to make himself feel better for not being there. He just wanted to make sure that Jemma had been okay without him.

    "I mean, sure she helped me out with the stuff I told her about, she gave me a place to stay when I needed to crash for a night. It was like she was you, but at the same time, it was different with you. I couldn't lie to you, but if I didn't want Charlie to know something I just didn't tell her." That made sense to Maddox, he had always been able to tell when Jemma was lying, even though she never lied to him, not about the big stuff anyway.

    "You can tell me now. I'm here now. I promise I'm here and I'm not going anywhere Jemma." Maddox knew it was too late for forgiveness. He knew that after everything Jemma had been through he wouldn't be forgiven, not at first. He understood that he didn't deserve to be forgiven and he was lucky she was even talking to him at this point.

    "Maddox." Jemma's voice broke. The way she said his name told him everything, everything that he already knew to be true. Things would never be the same and that made him feel terrible. The relationship he had with Jemma was everything to him. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think about her while he was away. There wasn't a soul in his life that didn't know about her because even when he was thousands of miles away from her he still talked about her constantly.

    "I know," Maddox was defeated and he sounded it. At the same time, however, he knew he needed to say more, he knew that Jemma needed to hear him say more. "I'm not going anywhere Jemma. Never again. I'll be here and I don't want to push you and... and I will do everything in my power to make it up to you. What I did was wrong and I know that. I do. I... I'm not gonna give up Jem, because I don't think I'll ever be able to spend another day away from you."

    "You used to say that. 'We'll be together forever.' Well, we weren't because you fucked that up. You ruined everything and things will never be like they used to be and I wish they would be because I liked how things used to be but we both know that there's no going back, and that," Jemma took a breath to steady herself, "That's on you, Maddox."

    Jemma was fighting. She was fighting him. She was fighting herself. She was doing everything in her power to survive in the discussion they were having because she knew that there was no going back anymore. She knew that they were in the present, the past having long since happened. In the present, she and Maddox were not each other's everything. He wouldn't be her first call if she got in trouble. He wouldn't be the first voice she heard in the morning or the last voice she heard at night. He wouldn't play the same huge role in her life that he used to. All of that made her angry. Jemma was angry and Maddox was there to take the verbal punches that she was throwing at him. Yet somehow that made her angrier because here he was taking everything she was throwing at him, letting her get her anger out. He was always there for her even now, in the present and she had no fucking clue how she was supposed to feel about that.