Agency

In Which Everything is Completely Different

Saturday

Berry drifts pleasantly upward and gently breaks through the placid surface of consciousness. His re-emergence into wakefulness causes the waters of the room to ripple around him, but he is buoyant and calm as a bobbing cork.

"He's awake!"

He hears his wife's voice announcing his delivery from sleep. His body feels felt-covered. All of his senses are dulled, but he can feel her warm hand in his.

"And, he's back..." announces a reassuringly professional voice. "Now, remember, he may be disoriented at first. As the fog lifts, he could exhibit signs of anxiety and stress, possibly some residual memories of the accident. Then again, he might remember nothing at all."

"I understand, doctor," his wife's voice says.

"There we are," says the doctor's voice again. "His eyes are opening now. Very good." A bright light flashes first in one eye, then the other.

Berry smiles at the light. Hello, lights, he thinks.

"Dilation is excellent. Blood pressure looks good. Coming out of it just fine. Welcome back, Mr. Ross. I'm Dr. Yan. You're in a recovery room in St. Michael's Hospital. You've been with us for several days now, having a nice long sleep. You are a very, very lucky man."

Berry's eyes focus on the pleasant-faced man standing beside his bed. He tries to speak, but his throat croaks dryly. He wants to say, I know.

"Can I give him some water?" Berenice asks.

"Sure, little sips. Take it all slowly, okay? I'll be back to check in soon."

With that, Dr. Yan leaves the room.

Berry and Berenice's eyes connect as she puts a dropperful of water on his lips. His brain pats at its proverbial pockets, trying to remember where it left its memories, but Berry continues to feel entirely peaceful. There's something he was worried about before... but it doesn't feel important now. He lets it go.

"It's so good to see you," he finally manages to rasp. "I missed you, Bee."

She smiles at him, but there is something withheld.

"Berry, you've had an accident. Do you remember?"

He tries to move his head from side to side. His neck is immobile.

"Not really. I was driving. There were geese. A goose."

Berenice nods. "That's right. You swerved and hit the ramp. You hit your head quite badly. They've kept you under until the swelling in your brain went down. You also have a broken collarbone. That's why you can't move your head."

He doesn't reply. That all sounds very bad, but he doesn't feel bad. How strange.

"Do you feel okay? Does it hurt? I can press this button if you're..."

"I feel great," Berry assures her. "I don't know why, but I feel really good. Happy."

Berenice's fingers clasp his. "Doctor Yan said... you might wake up feeling anxious. Do you feel anxious?"

He considers her question.

"Not at all."

That's when he remembers the woman.

***

The woman in the sky is his mother and not-his-mother. Her long, black hair lifts in an unfelt breeze. She is tall and strong and beautiful. She looks down at Berry, smiling, as she steps out into empty air. She falls gently through the air toward the earth. After a long, graceful descent, she meets the calm surface of a lake and keeps falling downward, downward, downward, until she emerges on the other side of the universe, triumphant.

"That's our mother," says Jim, who is suddenly beside him. They are both underwater.

"I'm going to follow her down to the other side, son. But not you. You need to wake up and make things right. Tell them how much I loved them. Sorry I didn't say goodbye."

And with that, Jim touches his son's hand, then dives toward the other side of the universe. Berry watches the bubbles his father's dive leaves behind. Feels them popping lightly on his skin as he begins his slow float to the surface.

***

Old-Berry would have rolled his eyes at a dream like that -- and at himself for thinking it was real on some level, because what are dreams, except a load of ideas that have been tumbling around the brain, now caught in our mental lint trap? But new-Berry is gripped by the desire to share what he's seen.

"Berenice, I saw a woman while I was sleeping. She was the mother of the whole world. And I saw Dad. He went with her into the water. He said--" Berry's eyes sting with the memory, which feels as real as the blanket on his bed. "--to tell you how much he loved you. He wanted to say goodbye."

Berenice's hand lifts to her mouth, and her eyes fill. After a moment, she nods. "Jim passed away while you were under. I didn't know how I was going to tell you. It's been a terrible week."

Berry smiles placidly at her. He doesn't feel that he's missed saying goodbye. He was there.

"When can we get out of here?"

"You're not ready to go anywhere, Berry. To be honest, you don't seem like yourself."

Berenice watches the man who is presently inhabiting her husband's body carefully. She feels something when she looks in this man's eyes. Maybe this is because, for the first time in years, he is looking back at her. It's as though layers of scale have been etched off to reveal again the person she loved: the young man she'd met in University, who'd grown up in Scarborough, who'd lost his Mum as a boy, who'd never known what he wanted to do with his life but knew he wanted to be with her. Like a miracle, he was back and looking up at her expectantly.

How much of this was an aftereffect of the drugs? Would the scales reform around him the moment he was exposed again to the real world?

"Berry," she ventures experimentally. "I let your office know. The night of the accident. I spoke with Allegra."

A cloud -- just the lightest, most whispery of clouds -- passes over her husband's face. He says nothing for a moment.

"What did she say?" he asks finally.

Berenice shrugs. "Nothing much. She was quite cold, actually. Said she would have Otto take over your account and thanks for calling. Asked for the dog again."

Berry smiled.

"I'll bet you told her where to go."

"I did, indeed. Since then, Otto's been by a few times. Brought his pretty girlfriend. I like her."

***

You probably have questions. Don't we all? Let's keep moving and have faith that they will be answered by the events that are to follow.