Tainted

Chapter Fifty-One

I hear Rogue crunching through the leaves after me before I see him. He grabs my arm, but I tug it free. I don't want him to touch me.

"Mira," he says.

I wince.

"Mira, it's not what you think," he says.

I whirl on him.

"Really? Then explain it to me. Explain how you didn't use me."

Rogue reaches a hand toward me, then seems to think better of it. It falls limply by his side.

"I won't lie to you," he says. "I saw you as an asset the moment I read your Fate."

There's a faint ringing in my ears. "And what about all the kata you spout about Fates being just words?"

Rogue nods. "I do think that. But Mira, I was scared, I didn't know where Esmeralda was, and I needed a miracle. And Mira, please, you have to understand. That all changed when I grew to know you, and Mira, I've fallen for you."

He pointedly takes hold of my empty right arm, running his fingers up and down the bare skin. "I've fallen for you," he repeats, "not your Fate."

I watch his fingers move across my arm, and I feel nothing.

"You told me you saw me for me from the beginning," I say.

Rogue's hand stills against my arm. I continue.

"I've struggled my whole life trying to have someone see me as just Mira, and nothing else. And on those horses you told me that that that someone was you. But you lied, Rogue. And do you know how much that hurts me?"

Tears well in the corners of Rogue's eyes. "Mira, I'm so sorry," he says.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "You don't get to be sorry. You don't get to try and beg or grovel or explain away your actions. You hurt me. And you knew you were hurting me, and still you did it. There's no 'sorry' for that. There's no 'sorry' when you hurt someone else."

Rogue looks so pained, but I have no words of comfort for him. He doesn't understand. He can dress up in his fancy clothes and blend back into the noble class if he wants to. He can be himself there, and they'll accept him for it. But me? Everyone knows my face. Everyone knows the word on my arm. I'll never be free. And he will never understand that.

"Please let go of me," I say through my teeth.

Rogue instantly drops my arm and takes a half-step back.

"I'm done, Rogue," I repeat. I can't look at him, so I look past his left temple. A single red leaf stands out among the green. "I'm going home."

"You can go with Surma," Rogue says, his voice devoid of emotion. "Wait for her here, and she'll take you back. She's going north to Pruden anyways to find her brother and hide him away from the king. Surma will know how to heal your feet on the journey and keep you safe."

I run my finger beneath my nose. "Okay," I say.

"I'll go too," Sailor says, piping up from the underbrush.

Rogue closes his eyes. His jaw twitches.

"Sailor," he says quietly.

Sailor shifts from foot to foot. Splotches of pink form high on his cheeks. "I haven' been tae Pruden, an' if wha' we're hearin' is true, then we'll need to gather all th' people we can so tha' when the serum comes through th' Ill-Fated are safe," he says. "I can pull everyone together. I can protec' them."

Rogue swallows. "That's decided then. You three will go north to Pruden, and the rest of us will head back to Haven. I'll go...I'll go ready the horses then." Rogue pushes back through the trees. I take a deep breath before following him.

The other Ill-Fated still stand clustered around Sani and Dem, waiting for instruction.

"Ready the horses," Rogue says.

Sani and Dem snap into action. No one speaks as they lash saddle bags to horses.

I listen as some of the Ill-Fated decide to follow Sani, Dem, and Rogue on foot, while other choose to head home and lay low.

James notices that only some people are getting ready to leave. He whines.

"I's okay," Sailor says. He reaches up and scratches James behind the ear. "I won' be angry wi' yae, no matter wha' yae decide," Sailor whispers.

James licks Sailor's nose. It makes Sailor giggle.

"No', why don' yae take them home?" Sailor says, nodding his head in Rogue's direction.

James whimpers, but nods.

"I'll miss yae," Sailor says, burying his face in James's neck.

They stay that way for a few moments, before Sailor lets go. He blows his nose into the sleeve of his cloak, and scoots closer to me.

James looks mournfully at us, before ducking past Rogue and disappearing into the trees. Sani, Dem, and the other Ill-Fated follow close behind.

Rogue lags back in the clearing, and I look everywhere but at his face.

"Safe...safe travels home," I tell him, breaking the awkward tension.

He clears his throat. "And to you. I hope you find what you're looking for."

I extend my hand, and Rogue takes it. We shake, once, and then his horse is walking away, leaving me behind.