Forked Roads Back

7 - TESSA

PACKING UP MATT'S ROOM had been more therapeutic than any one of us could have realised.

There were so many tears. Every new thing we found - even a pair of his favourite but extremely dirty underpants - brought tears to our eyes, and by the time the entire room was clear, I didn't think I could cry anymore.

The first day we spent sorting his clothes, only keeping the things we couldn't bear to throw out. After emailing his agent, Greg was taking his jersey to by signed by the entire Brighton team, and the plan is for it to be framed and put on top of his bed.

The rest of his shirts were all put in a box, and when Mum labelled it charity, I couldn't let her do it. When they all went down to grab some lunch, I snuck the box into the back of my wardrobe and wedged it behind some of my other stuff. There was only one person who these shirts could go to, and I was going to give them to him myself. Even if it takes three decades... I make a vow to myself to give them to him when we were both ready.

Millie and I kept two of his hoodies - I kept my favourite white Abercrombie one, and Millie kept his navy blue school hoodie - and the rest of them were put in charity boxes. It felt so strange to give so much away, but with Archie gone, there was no one else to give it to.

The second stage was painting his room, tidying it up and changing the bedding. Millie and Greg handled the painting, whilst Mum and I put on new sheets, and when the room was finished, I felt a frog in my throat at it being so different. It felt brand new, and not lived in at all but I knew it was for the best, no matter what my brain was screaming at me.

The other thing I wanted to do was back up all of Matt's computer. Like me, he took so many pictures, so I went out and bought a hard drive to put all of them on. Mum had said she wanted to watch a slideshow that night, but when Millie and I remembered half of the pictures would be drunken pictures of us on nights out, we managed to steer her towards a film instead.

By the time it came to catching my train back up to Edinburgh, I did genuinely feel like a new person. A weight had lifted my shoulders, and as the fields and cities sped past me, I knew it was time to start living... because Matt would want me to.

***

UNIVERSITY HAD OTHER IDEAS  for the first few weeks after Reading Week, though. With essays and assignments due at the end of every week, with one work thirty percent of my mark, I spent most of my time with my nose in my books.

But despite studying harder than I ever have, I have started noticing a difference in myself. I'm smiling more, I'm laughing more, and by the time November rolled around, it seems I've even started turning a corner in terms of boys.

The week after I got back, the library was particularly busy one of the days, so after a recommendation from Sophie, I took myself and my books off to Black Flag, a quiet pub about half way between our house and the centre of town. I set myself up in a booth, and after asking one of the guys behind the bar if it was okay if I stayed there all day, I started coming back there more often.

It was a cute little pub, which had a kind of American diner feel to it, and I like it because the staff are really nice and don't mind me taking up an entire booth all day, every day. And even if it did all start off about the studying and the essays to begin with... now it has more to do with a particularly attractive barman than my studies.

I have no idea what his name is, nor have I spoken to him, but there is just something about him I really like and find intriguing. But what is most important about him, is that he is the first person my mind has allowed me to think about in this way, so I wasn't about to ignore what my brain was telling me. The only problem was, however, that no matter how hard I tried, I could never quite psych up the courage to go up and speak to him... so I was hoping tonight's festivities could help solve that problem.