Beautiful Pain

PUS 8:05

"TaeHyung Kim," I tap his cheek, smiling warmly as his eyes flutter awake. "Welcome to Seoul, South Korea." He sits up straighter, leaning over slightly to glance out the window behind me. A look of confusion crosses his face.

"We landed already?" He asks, reaching up to rub his eyes. Pretty baby. My smile grows in size as I watch him try to wake up. The crowd around us is already starting to gather their carry on bags, but we remain seated in no urgency.

"You slept the entire flight, TaeHyung." I laugh. The first flight was fine— mostly because TaeHyung wasn't in the right frame of mind. He ate through most of it, to be honest, and ate even more through much of the overlay as well. The second flight resulted in his full breakdown, however. He had grasped my hand on the takeoff, practically ripping the skin from my palm in the process. Very few times have I seen TaeHyung work himself up into a mild panic attack. Once being the time I made him ride that Ferris wheel. This, however, was a million times worse. The concept of flying over an ocean sent him spiraling into a breathless panic that even my smuggled medications couldn't cure. It only ended when he finally passed out half an hour in. He's been fading in and out of consciousness for the past sixteen hours. Every time he came to, he panics again leading into the eventual pass out. A few hours ago he really did fall asleep against my shoulder, his hand still holding mine like I was his anchor.

I smile at my husband, brushing his messy hair away from his eyes. Fuck, I love him so much. He glances around again at the people who are already getting their carry on items and leaving. It's right then that I decide to that this trip will be how I prove I am better— how I prove to him I was worth waiting for, worth fighting for. TaeHyung was hoping that I could grow up, that I could become a little less of myself so that the future he wanted could finally come into play. He wants maturity. He wants PTA meetings, a dog, a house in the suburbs with a little yard. The way I see it, I have two weeks to gather the nerves to give him what he wants, rather than forcing it away from him.

We stand, getting our own bags once a large portion of the crowd dispersed. It's not like I am forcing myself to grow up so fast. Admittedly the concept of being a dad makes me feel nauseous, especially if TaeHyung expects it so soon. I can also admit that I love living in the city and I don't want to give it up just yet. Still, I want TaeHyung to know that I want it, too. I want that future as well.

The train of thought I had been conducting derailed the moment I took a step into the terminal. A thousand emotions hit me at once, the subtle sound of a language buried within me already heard in the distance. It was a soft rumble, calling to me, beckoning me to drown in it. I drop my bag, not realizing how badly I missed being home. Boston is nice, and I love it there now that I am older, but there will always be a disconnect. A disconnect in my brain, in my voice, in my soul. Korea is my home. Yes, Seoul is much different than the streets I ran around in my own hometowns, but even just this portion makes me feel as though a large weight has been released.

"HoSeok, are you alright?" TaeHyung asks, picking up my bag for me. I blink, turning to look at him. The smile that reforms on my face outwardly reflects the pure joy I have inside.

"I missed being here more than I realized."

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Two hours of wandering the streets of Seoul proved to be rather overwhelming for TaeHyung. Currently, we stand in a side street, letting TaeHyung stand in silence for a moment. He doesn't look at me and instead keeps his eyes fixed on the cracked bricks of the building beside  us. I'm not sure what he is thinking, but the longer we stand the more I begin to worry. His hand presses against the red brick, leaning slightly heavy against it. It makes me think back to our first photo shoot, how he clung to the tree as a he felt a seizure coming on.