Beautiful Pain

Lost Boy

At 16 years old, HoSeok was very close to an early death. He was close and he liked it that way. HoSeok liked going to parties and blacking out. Blacking out meant that he didn't feel— not feeling felt good. HoSeok was obsessed with drugs and sex. The ideology that he was a sex doll was rooting itself deep inside his mind. The concept was twisting around his brain, captivating thoughts and deeds.

JiWoo stared at her little brother as he laughed on the floor. He was collapsed into a little ball, and the laughter was coming out more in demonic sense than a fun one. JiWoo was able to keep her composure, but inside she was freaking the fuck out. She crossed her arms across her chest, turning to her brother's best friend.

"Joon, what the hell did he take?" JiWoo glanced back down at HoSeok as he tried to regain balance in his knees. Joon was almost in tears after carrying HoSeok the whole way from the party to JiWoo's dorm room. He was crying because he was scared. He was scared that one day he wouldn't be reclothing his naked friend at a party, or snatching alcohol from his hand— he would be calling 911 to save HoSeok's life. He didn't know if he could exist without HoSeok in his life. NamJoon was not gay, of that he was positive. However, he did have a special place inside his heart for HoSeok. He never thought about HoSeok sexually, and the boy didn't turn him on. But when he thought about marriage or having kids he always thought of Hobi.

"He's having an acid trip." NamJoon whined, wiping at his eyes. "I told him not to, but..."

"Oh my God." JiWoo whispered. She pulled NamJoon by the arm, wrapping him in a big hug. The second her arms closed around him, he broke down. Huge tears rolled down his cheeks as he cried out all the ache in his heart, an ache that started two years ago. It started the second he promised HoSeok he would stay quiet.

"I made a mistake." NamJoon whined lowly, wiping his eyes. His voice cracked in a pathetic sort of way. JiWoo shook her head, holding NamJoon's cheeks between her hands.

"NamJoon. You are sixteen years old," JiWoo spoke calmly, meeting his eyes with a motherly expression. "This is not what you are supposed to be doing. You weren't meant to protect him from these things, yet. You are doing the best you can, and you did the right thing tonight. Do you understand me?" NamJoon nodded, but a loud groan of pain from HoSeok pulled him back into the moment. He looked back down at his friend, who was clutching his stomach.

"I'm going to-." HoSeok whispered, before he opened his mouth to puke. JiWoo screamed.

"Hobi! Use the bucket!" She slammed the empty trash can in front of her little brother, who continued to vomit down his own shirt. His eyes became more and more unfocused as he stared at her. She forced him to lean over the bucket, and looked up at NamJoon. She honestly felt sorry for NamJoon. She knew that he was a good kid. Yes, of course he enjoyed parties, too. She knew he drank and smoked weed when he went, but he was good. He was smart and kind. Her brother on t he other hand, was a little demon. She didn't exactly know what his issue was; he was cute and nice when he was a toddler. Yet, the older he got the more he was proving to be an irresponsible little twit. A selfish little monster that was dragging his one and only friend down with him.

"No more parties for you two." JiWoo stated with a heavy tone. She looked at HoSeok, who was now crying in loud, heartbreaking sobs. "No more."

<•><•><•><•><•><•><•><•><•><•>

HoSeok was a chaotic mess, and NamJoon had become his janitor. It didn't matter that there was a very bad and violent acid trip. It didn't matter if NamJoon tied the boy to the bed. There was no stopping Hobi from attending a party.

"HoSeok, can we please talk?" NamJoon whispered the question softly, almost afraid that his words would fly HoSeok into his extreme behaviors. He stared down at his feet, avoiding looking at his best friend. NamJoon was scared. He knew that if HoSeok went to this party tonight, it would be the end. The end of HoSeok's possibilities and strengths. He knew it, and deep down Hobi did, too. But the whole point of the drugs and alcohol, or the meaningless blowjobs in parking lots— was to end himself. To allow his prophecy to take form, and to kill the parts of him that rebelled against it. If he were to be honest with himself, he was hoping to die high and numbed. HoSeok stopped adjusting his outfit in the mirror, and turned to look at NamJoon. His head tilted as he realized how exhausted NamJoon looked.

"Joonie, you don't have to go if you are too tired." Hobi sat beside his friend, reaching up to mess with the hair hat the base of NamJoon's neck. He always did that when NamJoon was tired, sometimes it would put him to sleep. NamJoon sighed deeply, his shoulders collapsing.

"We can lay down first if you wanna." HoSeok offered. NamJoon nodded. The boys scooted up to the top of the bed. They assumed their usual napping position: NamJoon on his back, Hobi cuddling into his side, NamJoon's arm wrapped around HoSeok.

"I miss this." NamJoon yawned. HoSeok looked up at NamJoon's face. He pouted. He knew what he was doing to his friend, but he just couldn't find it within himself to stop.

"Joonie," he whispered.

"Yeah, baby?" NamJoon replied, his voice already thickening with sleep. HoSeok smiled at the pet name NamJoon reserved for him— and for just a moment wished his friend were gay. In all honesty, NamJoon was a very attractive boy. He had plump lips, that always seemed to be the perfect color and softness. Hobi had considered many times kissing him just to see what it would be like. He was always tan from laying outside in the summer.

"Promise me that you don't hate me." HoSeok mumbled, staring at NamJoon's closed eyes. "Promise me you'll stay with me."

"I promise, Hobi." NamJoon breathed deeply one last time before falling asleep. HoSeok watched him for a while, brushing his soft cheek with his fingers. NamJoon deserves a much better friend than HoSeok was able to be. He thought back to NamJoon's face when the connection of what Mister Ashben had done occurred. The moment that everything HoSeok had thought he was shattered. It was the day that he had fallen apart on the inside, and even NamJoon, as wonderful and careful as he was, couldn't place him back together.  Each broken piece longed for something: sex, love, drugs, touch. He was confused and lost. HoSeok slowly got up from the bed, and fixed himself one last time in the mirror. He didn't even glance again at NamJoon as he snuck from the room to meet YoonGi down the street.