Beautiful Pain

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//I'm Your Puppet:: James and Bobby Purify//

Present Day

I take a deep breath, trying to regulate my heartbeat. I must stay calm. I must be civil and understanding. I keep my eyes closed, my hands folded on my lap neatly. They tremble, both from the shaking that never ceases and from the anger dwelling00 beneath my surface. He's making it difficult to keep myself under control— to block him out long enough to take a breath. HoSeok is in the midst of another anxiety attack. It's the third one since we sat down to talk. I'm trying my hardest to be patient with him, but I'm tired and it's getting too hard to stay in check.

"HoeHoe, we are just trying to have a talk with you." NamJoon's much better right now at calming HoSeok down. "No one is mad." That's a lie.

"Yes, he is!" I hear the words come out quickly, panicked like screams in a scary movie only much softer. I can recognize the pattern of breathing, and if NamJoon doesn't get him out of this attack HoSeok is going to pass out. That idea alone makes it all the harder to not scream. I'm not sure that I can handle this. Whatever it is exactly that knocked him off the rails is making me so tired. It's exhausting to exist around him. I keep trying to tell myself that HoSeok needs me to stay strong, so that we can push through these problems together. I try to remind myself that he does love me; he does care. He's probably more exhausted than you right now, TaeHyung-- he needs you. He has to be tired from all the panic built up inside of him.

"HoSeok, we're only trying to talk about what you've been doing. We're trying to understand what is going on so that we can help you." NamJoon speaks slowly so that HoSeok can process the words he says. HoSeok whimpers. He finally takes a deep enough breath, and it seems as though his panic may be washing away on its own.

"But I didn't cheat!" He says loudly, and I finally open my eyes to look at him. He continues to misunderstand the discussion we are having. NamJoon and I aren't here to talk about him cheating necessarily. We just need to discuss his actions at the party, and maybe get him to agree that he needs more help than seeing a therapist once a week. Honestly, the thing I feel most is scared. He's irritating me and testing every single one of my nerves. He's working out the anger and abandonment issues I have, but I'm still mostly scared. It's scary to know that he is putting himself in danger.

"I didn't mean to!" He looks at NamJoon desperately for support in his claims. NamJoon frowns, knowing that the likelihood of HoSeok sleeping with people was extremely high. In all honesty, it hurts my feelings, but the idea he isn't being safe is what I'm really concerned about. That's all we are trying to find out: were there others besides that girl?

"You cheated on me, HoSeok, at least once to my knowledge. Whether or not you meant to isn't up for debate and it's not even the core issue of this discussion." I sigh, leaning forward so that he meets my eyes. "I promise I won't be mad at you, Hobi, but you have to tell me if you are having sex with other people. Do you remember them? Because if you are having sex without protection, we need to get you tested again."

"I have never cheated on you." HoSeok whines, still shaking his head. He pinches his wrist nervously, his eyes pooling with large tears. He looks between NamJoon and I. "I didn't do it. Why don't you believe me?" The question comes out brokenly.

"HoeHoe, we just have to make sure, okay? It's not because we don't believe you. It's because we love you, and we have to make sure you're safe." NamJoon speaks for me. I wet my lips, watching HoSeok's face. I can see the wheels turning in the younger's head. He's not hearing the part where we care about him-- he's hearing that we don't believe what he says.

"HoSeok." I say softly, bringing his attention back to me. He looks up, and I see the brokenness inside them. "Listen to me. I just need to hear the truth. I promise this is the last time I ask you. You kissed a girl in front of me, have you been with anyone else? Anyone at all?" I take his hand, squeezing it so that he knows I'm still there, even if I feel like flipping out right now.