Beautiful Pain

Det är mitt fel

HoSeok was now ten. He sat beside his sister on a dock as their feet dipped into Cheongpyeong Lake. HoSeok's eyes were closed as he laid back on the wooden dock, letting the sun hit against his chest and thighs. It was warm, sunny, and everything in life was seeming to fit together. He was back in Korea, connecting with his family and that felt good. He was home, where his accent didn't matter. He was were he didn't need to remember to speak another language when he left his house. That felt even better. It felt good to be with his grandmother, his cousins, his aunts and uncles. But what had felt the greatest about being in Korea, was that he was far away from Massachusetts. Far away from his school and Mr. Ashben.

His sister, JiWoo, who was now fourteen and beginning to worry about appearances, was busying herself with fixing her hair every five minutes. She had just really started puberty, and HoSeok noticed that she was beginning to like boys more. They were no longer gross and annoying, rather he heard her talking to her friends about kissing them (yuck) and having sex (whatever that was). Whatever sex was though, it has to be fun.

"What are you doing?" HoSeok asked, letting his legs sink deeper into the cool water. He slid off the dock, his hands holding onto he wooden edge as he let the water race to his neck. Kicking his legs, he gave himself a better look at his older sister. She was glancing over her shoulder, attempting to keep her hair nice. Her lips stained a dark red and turned into a deep pout. She fixed her swim suit so that it made her seem curvy. HoSeok also pouted.

"I wanna look good, Hobi. I'm fourteen. I want a boyfriend." She glanced around at all the other teenagers around them. HoSeok did too. There were lots of attractive boys around. "Everyone else already has one." She sighed sadly.

"Everyone?" HoSeok asked.

"Boys don't like me much, Hobi." She kicked her feet in the water. "I don't have boobs." She laughed at her own statement, and HoSeok found himself laughing along, too. Even though boobs were gross. His best friend, NamJoon, has begun liking them. HoSeok didn't see the appeal.

"I think you're very pretty." HoSeok said softly, suddenly looking a little sad. Many people had said that he looked like his sister. That his almost feminine features made him an ugly little boy. However, he knew his sister was very pretty. So should he have felt the same way towards himself? He wasn't sure. Mister Ashben had called him pretty. He wasn't sure pretty was something he really wanted to be. Yet, it really was.

JiWoo stopped kicking her feet, staring at her little brother— lost deep in his own thoughts. She had noticed that he was beginning to do that a lot as of recently, and that his once healthy appetite has faded into near none existence over the last five years. Mama said he was just shy, and that he was just a growing boy with weird eating patterns. But still, JiWoo could feel that something was very wrong with her baby brother. Before she could think of it too much, however. The young boy disappeared into the water.

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At fourteen years old, HoSeok was a member of the track team. He ran long distance. He liked the sport. Liked the ability to be alone and the certain slim physique it gave him. At the end of his third practice of the week, an excitable NamJoon came bounding down the steps of the school to meet his best friend. According to the tall boy, HoSeok's mind was going to be blown. He had found something great apparently. It was called Porn.

HoSeok started at the screen, obviously not experiencing the same type of thrill that NamJoon was. To HoSeok, nothing was out of the ordinary. It was all something he had already become quite family with, only slightly different. These were a man and a woman.

"Mister Ashben and I used to play that." HoSeok said, utterly nonchalant. He pointed to a certain position that the couple on the screen had found themselves. NamJoon turned to look at his best friend, a look of confusion and concern on his face. HoSeok frowned. "What?"

"What do you mean you used to play this?" NamJoon's eyes went wide as he started to lean away. HoSeok only grew more confused.

"He used to play it with me during tutoring. You've never played?" HoSeok looked back at the screen momentarily.

"Hobi-." NamJoon whispered, his face turned red. "Hobi, do you even know that this is?"

"I don't remember what he called it." I shrugged.

"HoSeok, this is sex." NamJoon suddenly gagged, standing up and covering his face. "You played this with... oh my God." NamJoon stared down at his best friend, suddenly feeling sick and helpless.

"Sex?" HoSeok whispered. He knew that term. Had heard his sister discuss it frequently. That it was something only adults did.

"Mister Ashben?" NamJoon's voice broke. "Hobi, that's so bad! Did you tell anyone?" HoSeok looked up at NamJoon, his eyes disappeared behind large tears.

"I didn't know it was bad!" He began to cry, crossing his arms over his chest. "I thought it was a game!" HoSeok could feel all the loose ends linking together in his head. All the games, the lying, the odd feelings in his tummy. Why he never wanted to go. Everything clicking together.

"God, HoSeok. He molested you!" NamJoon stood in a shocked type of state for another moment before he continued. "We have to tell an adult."

"No!" HoSeok felt himself shout. "No!" He grabbed NamJoon's hand before he could leave to find his mother.

"HoSeok, we have to tell someone!" NamJoon begged, but HoSeok held tightly. His head shook wildly as he begged his friend to stay with him. NamJoon tried once more before allowing himself to sit beside HoSeok. He closed the tabs out on his computer,  fire staring at his friend. At fourteen years old, he had no idea how to handle news like this.

"Are you okay?" NamJoon whispered after a very long period of silence had fallen over them. HoSeok stares still at the empty computer screen.

"No." He whispered. He looked up, meeting eyes with NamJoon. "What he did was bad?"

NamJoon nodded.

"Promise you won't tell a soul." HoSeok said, staring with large eyes. NamJoon swallowed hard, and made the biggest mistake of his life.

NamJoon nodded.

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Just letting everyone know, that this lake is like 5 hours from where Hobi grew up in real life. I don't try to be extremely accurate to their personal life, because it's their personal life. I don't need to pretend like I know what it was like specifically where he grew up.