Beautiful Pain

Love Languages

Present Day; HoSeok age 20

I finish my long tale, taking a deep breath. It was all out there now. Everything that I had been hiding from TaeHyung was hanging out in the open for him to know. Each story told in absolute detail. Mister Ashben, all the parties, trying to kill myself. He didn't know these things because I didn't think he needed to. TaeHyung stares at me, still sitting across the couch as far from me as possible. His jaw is dropped in shock from everything I said. I can feel my lungs collapsing as he doesn't move. He doesn't speak or reach for my hand so I'm not alone. He just stares at me like I'm some animal in a zoo.

The councilor has her hands folded under her chin as she glances between us. Analyzing and critiquing how we interact. I hate her. I hate that we are even in marital counseling to begin with.

"You wanted to know when the marital problems started?" I start to talk again, the anger and hurt in my voice clear. "Well, I can tell you didn't start when we got married. Maybe it started in high school when I lost that precious little 'V card' to a rapist or maybe even before that in middle school when I learned that adult men don't typically touch little boys. Or maybe that it started with the molestation itself or when I was a goddamn sperm. I don't fucking care when it started!" I turn to look at TaeHyung, who still stares at me with a slacked jaw.

"We are sitting in this office to fix our relationship. Because I stopped responding to him. Because I ignore him and—." I stop, rubbing my face. "But it's not the relationship. It's me. Our relationship isn't broken, I am. And unless you can reverse sixteen years of trauma, it's just not going to work." I become aware that I am starting to breathe faster. They both stare at me, not speaking. My legs feel weak as I try to quickly gather my jacket so that I can run. I need to escape this room. I need to run as far as I can away from them, so that everything I told them can be forgotten. My hands are betraying me however, and in my panic I find it hard to hold onto my jacket.

"Hobi?" TaeHyung says softly, scooting across the couch closer to me. His voice sounds like he's underwater. Instantly, my chest collapses entirely and I struggle to manage even a single breath of air into my lungs. "HoSeok, I didn't know." He attempts to grab my hand, but I pull away from him. I stand up quickly; the lack of eating finally catching up with me as my vision darkens. My knees buckle as I begin to fall.

"Oh shit!" TaeHyung yells before my ears begin to ring.

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6 months ago

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I don't remember when I stopped eating, or when I lost so much weight. My body is hollowed out, my ribs prominent in their places as are my hip bones. I sigh, sliding my black briefs up my legs. TaeHyung always liked when I wore his white button up shirt with these. Tonight, I am trying to make amends. I want to apologize for not being a good husband.

I sit on the couch and wait, staring at the door for when he comes home. A new glass of Jack and Coke sits beside me, and I keep downing them like my life depends on it. Maybe in a sad sort of way it does. I'm aware that I'm no longer 18, and that three years has made us both older. TaeHyung is 26 now, and although we haven't really been talking to each other at all, I know what he's longing for. He wants me to knock my shit off and get my act together so that we can start a family. I see the way that he looks at kids when we pass them. But right now, it scares the living shit out of me.

Finally, the door creaks open as TaeHyung sneaks in. He hums softly, setting his paperwork down on the kitchen table. I stand up, slowly making my way to the door frame. I bite my lip, waiting for him to notice me. TaeHyung turns around, his eyes widening when he sees me. His eyes glance quickly down my body, probably confused why I don't have pants on. We haven't been intimate at all since our wedding night.