Because of you

Bullied From The Start

Just when I thought things were getting better, life slapped me right in the face and laughed.

Jodan did not just have me wrapped around his finger, he also had me hanging on his lips. He knew exactly what to say. He knew exactly when to say what. I imagine him sitting at night rehearsing phrases after phrases. He spoke such harsh and spiteful words, yet I found myself falling more and more in love with him every day.

I spoke to a therapist, not that my parents even considered taking me to one. I took matters into my own hands because I knew that it was only a matter of time before I lose who I am complete. My morals changed. The way I thought changed. I was so manipulated by Jodan, it changed the way I thought completely. I would not say I turned into the person he was, but someone he wanted me to be. Of course, I did not realize it at that time. He was clever. I have to give that to him. He knows how to work with your mind in such a way that it makes it completely impossible to be who you previously were. I honestly thought he changed me for the better. Little did I know, he had no good intentions.

I knew he was not all to blame. My relationship with my parents worsened by the day. They no longer approved of our love.

If that...

The therapist told me that you fall in love with someone who reminds you of home. I really took that to heart. How did Jodan remind me of home?
What do I even consider as 'home'?
She assured me that things would get better, which made me think that my parents would calm down and reconsider our relationship. I was, in fact, in love with him.

Love makes you do questionable things. There's no doubt in that. But I think I took that a bit too literal. I would have given him my soul if that were possible. Sad to say actually. For some brute human.

When I think back, it is difficult for me to think of any good qualities he had. Sure he had some, but that would take a lot of effort to try and pinpoint them out. Like I said, sure he had good qualities, but I am sure of the fact that I have never met someone as toxic as him. Sadly, back then, I did not realize the damage he was slowly causing to my mentality.

***
I won't consider myself as popular nor unpopular. I do not like the labels people mark others with.

Sometimes I would blame Ryan for a lot of misinformation that was said after our relationship. He spoke crucial words.

Jodan tried to help me get through it. He was not pleased with the thoughts of me being a slut. That, of course, I was not.
Ryan craved my innocence like it was some powerful jewel that would grant him all of his wishes. I know that he would have made things even worse if I climbed into bed with him. It was never that I did not want to. I planned on sleeping with him. I waited for the right time. Luckily, I never felt ready. Protecting my morals was important to me, Ryan never meant good. He was some sort of test which I could easily pass. Jodan was lucky, he met me when I was at my most vulnerable. I bet he knew that and that was when he, the pretty odious character, entered my forsaken life.

Jodan had a lot of luggage. Countless of his previous lovers shared a feeling of hatred towards me. They would call me out. They would tell me that I am in no way, shape or form, suitable for Jodan. Maybe that is what made me want him even more. I had to prove that I was destined to be with him.

I had a hard time coping with those people's disgusting words. My self-esteem was weary. It worsened my positive outlook on life. It felt like I was not just going downhill, but rather falling all the way.

I thought Jodan was helping me. Instead, he would get angry whenever I would let them get to me. I learned to push things away. That whenever he would ask me what bothered me so deeply, I could not find it in me, nor the correct words, to tell him. I could not tell him that he was part of the reason I wouldn't even dare to look in the mirror.

I felt alone.

Somehow he made time feel vulnerable to me. I got frustrated whenever I did not get to see him. Sometimes it would seem like he was doing it purposefully. He knew I wanted to be with him 24/7.
Truthfully, I think he spent that time with other females. I no longer satisfied his lustful needs.

Jodan is the definition of 'the jealous type'. I never realized just how jealous and controlling he was.
Not until close friends of mine came to visit. I pushed most of my male friends away because Jodan would make it impossible for me to be a good friend back to them. I have known Robert and Ron forever. I can't deny the fact that I haven't spoken to them in years, but the minute we got together again, it felt perfect. We had a lot of catching up to do.

They were planning on visiting for a while. Which meant we were able to spend a lot more time together.
I do not think Jodan envied the idea of that. Things changed, I was the one who regularly had plans, and he stayed home.

Robert and Ron were very adventurous. They took me on a couple of road trips. I found it easy to talk to Robert since he also had some trouble in his relationship. Robert was in a long-distance relationship. Just thinking about that gives me anxiety. I could and would never be able to do that. Compromise, is what it is about, according to Robert.

I wondered whether we saw each other too often. That could be why he would get so angry with me? Maybe I was too much for him? I thought about it a lot.

One beautiful Saturday, Robert and Ron decided that we were going on a road trip to a zoo. Apparently you can enter the cages. I'm quite a daredevil, so the idea of anything absolutely insane intrigues me.
Jodan did not come along, of course. My parents would have considered it 'like hell' if Jodan had to come with. I was not happy about it. They made it difficult for me to see him, it started to feel like I was in a long-distance relationship with him.

Being face to face with death is something words cannot describe. Standing next to a full-grown lion, was something I have never even thought about doing. Robert and Ron made things interesting. They do not want things to be ordinary nor do they act ordinary. 

Something so exquisite must have upset Jodan. He did not like me being so close to Robert.
Maybe he saw him as a threat?
I constantly assured him that I would never dare to be disloyal towards him. He did not believe me. He refused to talk to me because I was doing wrong according to him.

How would I feel if he was so close to another female? I did not like it. I felt sorry and apologized multiple times to him because I would rather lose Robert as a friend than to lose Jodan. Jodan ruled my thoughts and actions. Everything I did I would do it because of him or for him.

He agreed to me to visit him that night. I did not know what to expect since he was being rude to me. As long as he knew I was innocent. I would reassure him that I have no feelings towards Robert and that I would consider ending our honorable friendship.

I had every word and move planned out.
I had to make sure that Jodan would believe me and accept my peace offering.

He wasn't delighted to see me. I could tell by the way he greeted me. He barely looked at me. Luckily his grandmother came to visit him for a few weeks. It eased the tension.

I continued feeling guilty for a crime I had not committed.

That night was one of the most traumatizing nights of my life. I cannot forget the actions of that night. I'm afraid that he had damaged me in a way that would stain my thoughts forever.

----

I have forgiven Jodan. I knew he had a violent side to him. He had an appearance of such perfection. I know, that I should have stuck with my decision that night. 

I'm sad because I let a man hurt me in more that one way. There are bruises I cannot cover up because he had caused too much damage. Did I deserve his crucial actions?