I never knew

01.22.

My heart still beating way too fast and my mouth feeling like parchment paper, I asked my meathead of a supervisor how I did. He said, "Surprisingly good for the amount of time you invested into this presentation." I was fuming inside. This stupid presentation in front of the whole institute had occupied almost all of last week and I had slept almost nothing the last few nights. I gritted my teeth together and put on a smile. "So it was fine?" I asked, to which he nodded.

I turned away to Alice who smiled at me "you did great for your first presentation! You did such a good job speaking freely I couldn't do that the first time!"

I smiled at her halfheartedly as I was listening in to a conversation between meathead and Bridget, who had to do the presentation in a few weeks. She was asking him how she was supposed to design her presentation and meathead just told her to take mine as a blueprint.

I was fuming. He had told me the whole week how shitty my presentation was going to be and now he was taking it as an example?! What the hell dude.

I turned and walked back to the dorms where I first took off my makeup because my face felt like it was as dry as a desert. It was around 11 in the morning so I could easily take a short nap and then study some more with Nelli.

However, I didn't hear my alarm so I slept for over three hours. Instead of studying, Nelli and I made some food, we put vegges and baked camembert in the oven and waited for it to get warm. Nelli was being really pissy cause she had been working on the protocol for microorganisms for the whole time I had been sleeping.

I put on the clothes from the morning before rushing out the door because I had almost forgotten my appointment at half-past 5.

Studying in a foreign country is all nice and well, but becomes rather exhausting when you have medical problems that need continuous treatment. I was not going to learn a new language in order to explain to strangers what the hell is wrong with me, as my study is in English anyways.

This and the fact that I have insurance at home is the reason that I have to drive home two hours to see my doctors at least once a week. Today I went to see my therapist, and Nelli was nice enough to accompany me. She usually came with because I don't like driving alone for four hours in total, and during my appointment, she can study at the hospital.

Driving there, we were listening to an audiobook with which we were almost done when we arrived. Nelli stayed in the waiting area as usual and I went into the maze of corridors to get to ward 203, where they treat everyone with an eating disorder.

When I came in, the secretary welcomed me and we went for a weigh-in. I wasn't sure what number to expect because I had gotten rid of my scale and my obsessive behaviour around it. But I had maintained, which is good I guess. Then my therapist picked me up and we went into an office which was quite far into the ward.

During our session, we talked about me going inpatient again, and about how it would be beneficial but I just don't have the time to pause my life for two whole months just to give myself time to fully embrace my cray-cray.

I also finally talked about how I think I like Garry, but how I could never be with him cause I'm too fat. Just typical therapy stuff.

As I was walking back out the maze of hallways to Nelli I saw that my ward had a foosball table, which I have never seen. I checked my phone, there was a new message from Garry. I had asked him if he had time this Friday cause I was planning a gettogether at my place. He wrote that he would be at a foosball tournament in a bar but that he could lose on purpose to be at my place faster.

I told him that I found a table at the hospital, to which he replied that we would play together when I finally would finally go inpatient. That was such a sweet answer because with it he told me that he supported my decision that I wanted to be admitted at some point and that he would visit me. I was really glad I decided to speak to him openly about my problems from the beginning.

I got my self a coffee and a chocolate bar before picking up Nelli and walking to the car.

During the 2-hour car ride home, we finished the audiobook and then talked about all of our problems under the sky. That's why I love Nelli so much, she gets me even though I've only known her for two years. It's really easy to talk to her about my feelings and insecurities because she just gets them.