𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.. 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫

entry
1:53 PM
july 1, 2021

no words could pass up as something decent that i can say as the first sentence of my entry after a long year.

my words are as empty as my mind, i don't know what to say. nor do i know what a cool introduction is to be used after being quite the ghost for this long.

hm, but hello. how have we been indeed.

i think it's inevitable and common for me to say that so many things happened and changed. that's how it is anyway.

but i have no idea how much i've lived up to this point. i have no idea if i gained something good or bad.

my last entry was january in year twenty, and i did say i was to enter entries after but never did.

i suppose what followed after was the lack of will to go deep and reflect like this.

then quarantine for the current pandemic started that day on march.

speedrunning through the months, i was just being useless while doing useless things.

uselessly.

it was the period of adjustment and disclosures of the world's state, the growing information of the epidemic-turned-pandemic, and ever-passing birthdays.

the times change. along with the progress of humans.

the earth rotates along with the sides of each individual that they showcase such things.

it was a happy time. i think.

there was a huge lack of touch on the next couple of months, and online schooling arrived just like the scorching summer i don't really take a shine to.

i basically am not fond of it. and i was right.

i should just say that the next eight months were a ferry filled with online tests, projects, modules and very humiliating recitations of yours truly.

a ferry; that sailed through the binding windstorms and resilient waves.

i have been closed off to the social life. i cannot feel the desire to interact with people. but i did gain the excitement of socializing in the online world.

i have heard of a lot of such stories and funny conversations, as awkward as i am.

i did bad at school. just when it was the last semester where i should put my all and go through it strongly; i just stood in the vast battlefield and let go of the grip on my weapon.

i just gave it up and decided to walk things through instead without effort or will whatsoever.

despite the fleeting arrow that ran past me, i neglected my duties and purpose of being a student.

now, i'm worthlessly hoping i managed to get by.

at this point in time i am in no state of wanting to continue such a draining year with no ounce of knowledge i've learned in the process.

there was no joy, or excitement for learning that year. online school was both advantageous and tiring.

i thought, at least, there was less time for school. i could be late i guess, i could just read and rewatch lesson videos often. most of all, the deadline for activities was less strict.

because everything was online, in one way and another.

however, i suppose i didn't expect it would be very pressuring. more than i thought.

in what way it was?

it was the fact that it made me comfortable and relaxed with the schoolwork, that i can delay much more because it was online and there were shortcuts to do well.

because of how comfortable it was, the more pressure it weighed down on me.

until it further stretched to the moment where i suffer the consequences and do my tasks and get less time.

it was my own way, which failed spectacularly.

how do i face life like this? i would laugh at myself.

the pressure of a mere online school year, i envy my classmates who do so well.

i lost my tiny flicker of confidence during the online run, i could find myself stuttering over and over as i try to express my bizarre self and mind.

i feel so apologetic towards people i talk to.

i guess i didn't do so well now that i'm saying all this, i push and pull myself. i make myself go left and right turning it into a pathetic cycle.

i wish i was more resolute.

more resolved and firm on what i do, on what i utter.

so common to hope for.

i still, do not think i know myself.

the me who is weak and unsure.

beyond the hectic battlefield of a world, i stay put. i blankly mind the domain i hold feebly.

but who's to say? i should get used to this somehow, or even not.

i will mindlessly stay like this. for a while.

just a little more. and i will try again.

yes, you may laugh at me as i do so too.

entry end.