𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.. 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞

entry
8:58 AM
january 10, 2020

it really has been a long time since i reflected.

let me tell you.

i have been in stitches for the couple months that went by, the usual pressure and embarrassment i went through.

from september to october were the norms, and by norms i meant the normal wrecking tests and schoolworks you have to get through.

now i know that these are what students experience every day. but sadly, i'm not someone who's both mentally and physically strong to overcome these things. they make me feel small.. hopeless.

every month we have this dreading exams, that are supposedly what would make out your grades and yourself.

to me, it almost defines me. it's like controlling me.

and the sad thing is, i let them.

i just didn't know what to do, i pressure myself, i let myself loose, i panic myself, i bring myself anxiety.

constantly getting a few comments and reminders from those past months, but even then, as unbelievable it is, i came through.

i passed that, and i overcame it.

the latter parts were more light, literally speaking.

at the start of november, a semestral break was already scheduled, and i could never be more excited.

but that month we had loads of school activities and thankfully, it's the month of the school year where there would be no exams. we had our sportfest and our field trip.

and the unexpected thing happened on november fourteen, which is thursday.

but that is all, i wouldn't want to go deep into it.

after sportfest was our field trip, it was the first time i was able to go somewhere and think by myself without my adults. we went to museums that were really pretty. and i was happy to be able to let myself loose and pour a little happiness in it. really.

as we were going home, that's where i was really able to think, i was blessed.

i was fortunate to be able to do those kinds of things. i had fortunes.

it was always something i take for granted unconsciously. and in that moment, serenity was all i thought of. everything was in a state of serenity.

i was tired alright, i used up a lot of money for toys and souvenirs i got for my family. but i can confidently and openly say..

it was all worth it.

moving on to december, it was the longest relaxation i have ever had since the summer. we had our tests on the first week which is where i'm honestly not proud of, at all.

but after that, we were all literally in a state of practices and time we actually have.

we were to prepare for the christmas program of the school, and the awaited christmas party.

which is honestly something i have been waiting for the whole december.

i didn't really have anything to do with our practice, i was just someone who portrayed and it's really not all that interesting.

but the christmas party was so unexpected that i wanna redo it all over again.

i'm being positive.

now, if i compare myself to me from months ago to who i am now, we can all say i seemed more.. alright.

i felt okay. and reassured.

those days in december i met up with my friends and went to a lot of places with them. which is such a huge step for me.

but baby steps in a way.

although, i could say that i went back to being my low self this week.. as i have encountered realizations that was proved by no other than my mother.

that would be another entry for another time.

i wanna have a reflection on this new year, that realization, and yoongi's shadow comeback trailer which is by the way so beautiful and deep.

i'll come back.

entry end.