𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.. 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐭

entry
12:47 PM
may 25, 2019

i've always wondered.
wondered how people can ignore other cries. it's not that it's mean, although at some point it is, but at times.. just.. how?

don't we trust each other? it's hard. why not give something? anything.

i was with my family eating and hanging out at the park. on the table, i was wearing my earphones, but i did heard her.

a tan-skinned girl, maybe she was in her teens. i honestly wasn't really sure. at first glance she looked like an 11-year-old, but after looking at her more even when she walked away, she looked like an adult.

my eyes are of no help whatsoever. i haven't changed my eyeglasses yet.

but the point of that was, she was a beggar. having brown curly hair.

she wore a t-shirt and shorts. i can't remember if she was barefooted. her voice was so, so quiet i couldn't hear her properly.

as soon as i saw her, i immediately took off my earphones and gave her a curious look, "hm?" i asked softly, hoping she could get that i'm not rude.

i never want to be rude to any stranger, always. so i gave her my utmost attention, hoping that she could understand.

her voice was timorous. i never got to understand what she said but i assumed it was a question if we could give something to her.

i was sad. i don't have anything with me to give to her. i turned to my family, most of them weren't on the table, they were playing by the playground a little far from me.

and the ones left beside me were too engrossed talking. i think they didn't see her, as she was a few meters away but she was facing us, an obvious body language.

still, i couldn't talk. i don't know why. as i finally succeeded to make eye contact with a family member across the table, i glanced at her and to the beggar.

really hoping she could understand what my eyes were saying, but she was really confused. only then the beggar walked away and my family member understood.

she said to give a mango but the beggar was already away, looking at the other tables with families as well.

i had a curious and a sort of awestruck look while my eyes were on her.

her body language showed her as a patient and timid person as she was asking the family members for food.

i watched as the family members were still talking and laughing, ignoring her.

one of the family member stood up, i thought she was going to give something to the beggar but instead went to a nearby table with people as well, she gave food to them and talked to them, i guess they came to the park together.

those families were having buffet-like lunch, can't they give anything to her?

my blood boiled if they were really ignoring her, yes, it could be that they didn't see her, but the beggar was close to their table.

they must be blind not to see her. i was ticked, they really had a lot of food.. i even saw a smile on the family members as they conversed.

just turn your heads a little and you can see a girl wanting to survive.

then she walked further away as she disappeared from my sight.

i sighed and closed my eyes, i don't deserve to be furious. because even i haven't done anything for her.

though we only had green mangos. i still could've act fast and gave her a mango but i was timid. it's like my mind was shut down.

i have no idea as to why i always feel small and nervous whenever i was in front of beggars or other poor people.

but then i thought, ah, i get it now.

i was ashamed.

i was ashamed because of how i lived my life than people like her.

when i was young, i was a picky eater, i didn't do any housework until i was like, ten years old, i had a nanny, i was sassy to my cousins, i wanted clothes and toys and would cry when i don't get what i want.

but them? they were just a few years old they already had to fend for themselves. they ate anything that was edible. they begged for food. they sleep on hard concrete grounds. they don't eat everyday. they were trying to survive the world.

all while i was whining about things i can't have. just.. why? how?

how could i act like that?

i can't help but to despise myself. it was my fault.

that girl, that beggar who approached me and my family. she is beautiful, she really is.

it just wasn't shown, but i saw it. she really was beautiful.

i hope from wherever she is right now, that she could live a long life and that she could have a happy, prosperous, wonderful, abundant life. because she, along with every beggar that i saw and encountered, deserves to have a life.

i hoped that one day, one day.. i could have the courage to be comfortable and smile lively at the poor people i would meet.

only then, i could forgive myself.

entry end.