Under My Skin (on hold)

Chapter 1- Fade Away

Benjamin Jacobsen was absentmindedly chewing on the end of a pencil as he tapped his fingers on the paper in front of him that was scratched out with song ideas. His electric guitar sat flat on his lap, not plugged into an amplifier. His dog sat by his feet, waiting for Ben to engage with her, but also interested in what he was doing.

Ben leaned back, frustrated with the song so far. He liked the guitar part he created, but he wasn't feeling the lyrics. It just wasn't coming to him like it had in previous songwriting sessions. He ran a hand down his face, his headache becoming progressively worse the more he thought about the song in front of him.

He reached over and put his guitar on the stand next to the desk and he turned to his dog, Lainey. He gave her a few scratches on her head and he got up and put his jacket on, the fall air becoming colder and colder.

Lainey followed at his feet, knowing he was going out, hoping he would take her with him. She was right. He grabbed her leash and bent down, clipped it to her collar and looked into the dog's eyes.

"Can you help me with this song? No? I didn't think so. I can't either, so it really doesn't matter. Let's go."

He opened the door and Lainey padded out onto the porch, Ben following close behind. He locked the door and closed it, following his dog further outside. Now in the fresh air, he pulled out a cigarette and put it between his teeth, but he caught a glimpse of his neighbor, Bethany, who hated the smell of his cigarette smoke, before he could light it. He remembered this and lit the cigarette.

"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, BEN, YOU KNOW THAT?!" She yelled accross the yards over to him.

"YOU TELL ME EVERY DAY, BETHANY! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY FORGET?" Ben replied, his response dripping with venom. He continued walking his dog.

The first verse of his song he was trying to write was on replay in his head. He hummed the tune as he walked along, hoping that inspiration would hit him from somewhere.

His thoughts of Bethany overpowered those of his song. He had lived next to her for three years now and it was hate at first sight. If he had known that she was going to be his neighbor, he definitely wouldn't have moved in.

She hates everything he does. Nothing he does will ever please her, ever. It's not like he wanted to to begin with, though. She hated Lainey's barking at three in the morning, his cigarette smoke that she can't even smell, his late nights where he can't fall asleep because he doesn't even care, the racket that he makes when he can't sleep, his outfits, just the stupidest little things.

But it was a mutual hate.

In return, he hated how she hated how his lived my life. He would like her better if she was nicer to him, he thought she was a pretty little thing. But, he tried to be nice towards her in the beginning and he never got anything back from her.

Granted, he stopped trying to be nice to her when all she did was hate him. She never did anything that wasn't safe, daring or outgoing. She was afraid of the world around her, when he knew all the shit that was going on outside and was well aware and didn't care either.

It was safe to say that they were polar opposites. In their case, opposites absolutely do NOT attract. That fact was plainly stated and simple, and neither argued on who hated who more. They despised each other, and that's all they needed to know about each other.

As far as they knew and frankly wanted to believe, they knew nothing about each other. They denied the other's existence, not wanting to have the realization sink in that they were aware of the other's presence and they had to deal with it. In reality, they knew almost everything about each other.

They knew what they did on a Saturday night when they didn't have a date. They knew when the other got up in the morning, when they returned home at night. They knew so much about each other, but they didn't see it as really knowing that person in a normal relationship.

Ben continued to walk away from her and she walked back into her house. Benjamin had recently realized that something in him was missing. A part of him was gone and the rest of him was there, but it felt like an empty shell. He didn't expect it to come to this, but it did. He knew that everything in his life wasn't going to go right. He didn't know when it was going to hit, but he thought he was prepared.

You can never be prepared for a crash in how you feel as a person.

Benjamin felt like a random person in the world. He didn't feel like he had much of a purpose. He felt so small when he stood beside the ocean, or under the milky way on a clear night. He thought, wow, this is so much greater than I will ever be.

He wasn't feeling the effects yet of his suffering. He was well aware of what was happening to him, but he pushed his feelings away to where he couldn't feel them anymore. Little did he know that they would hurt so much more when the levee broke inside of him and all his strings are snapped, and his feelings finally hit him. He can't afford to care right now, so he just wasn't going to.

That logic only works for so long.

There is a fine line between controlling your emotions to be reasonable and separating yourself from feeling and becoming numb. He leapt into that void without a hesitation or a second thought to go along with it. He was wallowing in agonizing pain, it just didn't hurt him yet.

The worst part of it all was the fact that he was alone. Being alone is worse than being murdered and hell doesn't compare to the feeling of being alone in the world. He knew that no one else in the world could understand him or feel his pain like he could. He was broken.

The first thing he felt like he could handle and could do was fade away. That turned out to be exactly what he did. He wans't himself anymore, he put his walls up, and he escaped from the person he used to be. That guy, actually, was a pretty good person.

It's a real shame, because she would like him more if he acted differently and showed his true self a little bit. It was obvious to her that what she was seeing couldn't possibly be that terrible. But it was, and she felt sorry for him. He was an attractive little thing.

Ben's phone was vibrating in his jacket pocket. It was one of his band members, trying to get in touch with him. He was still part of the band for sure, but he wasn't in tune with them as much anymore, because he can't understand them when he doesn't even understand himself.

They knew that he was going through something, but they didn't know what. It was like he woke up one day and was a completely different person, like the old Ben was gone and had disappeared into nothing.

They tried to help him, but Ben had made it clear that he was beyond saving. But he wasn't, really. No one is past saving. Everyone has a chance at being saved, and the person that was going to save him lived next door. He didn't know that and even if he did, he really didn't want to be saved by her at all.

Just then, the lyrics to the rest of the song hit Ben like a tractor trailer. He knew exactly what to write, and even though he didn't know it fully, he felt something. He felt something in a time where he's desperate to feel nothing.