Impossible Love

We Still Need to Talk

Alec's eyes flickered down to Magnus' lips and back to his eyes. How could one man look so breathtakingly beautiful? He felt the fight inside him dying with every passing second that his gaze lingered on Magnus' face.

And then they both moved closer to each other. It was like his body acted on its own accord, desperate to have Magnus' lips on his own. Alec could feel the warm breath that touched his skin and closed his eyes. His heart was beating rapidly and even if he wanted to he couldn't have moved away now.

He felt Magnus' lips touching his and the first split second he just stood there, surrendering to the firework of happy feelings that exploded inside of him. He had never imagined that it would feel this amazing.

He kissed Magnus back, all of his resistance completely gone. How could he keep fighting against being with him when it just felt so good? His hands moved around the other man's waist, pulling him closer without breaking apart.

Eventually, they separated, both having to breath and somehow Alec felt lighter than he ever had before. He smiled, not absolutely sure why, but at that moment he just felt happy. But then it all came rushing back and he pulled away from Magnus completely.

"We still need to talk," he almost whispered, this time looking at Magnus and putting all his emotion into the words. All his desperation and conflict, the turmoil he still felt inside of himself. He wanted to be with Magnus even more than before the kiss, but he knew it would only cause pain for them both.

Magnus nodded, sadness and understanding in his eyes. He sat down on the black sofa and Alec followed suit, taking the place next to him. He looked down at his hands, they were shaking slightly. He knew he couldn't keep ignoring Magnus now, it would destroy him.

"What about you start by telling me how you feel?" Magnus suggested, putting his hand on Alec's shoulder. The gentle touch was comforting, calming him down to the point that he did feel able to at least try to speak about what was going on in his mind.

"I am not good at talking about emotions," he told Magnus, still looking down at his own hands "Or my problems. Right now they are just so overwhelming. I don't know what to think anymore," he sighed, how should he tell how he felt when he wasn't even sure about it himself?

Magnus started rubbing circles into his back and Alec closed his eyes, taking in a breath. It was all too much for him. He had always known that if he ever found someone they would have to have a secret relationship, but with Magnus' it would be too hard, impossible. His heart yearned to kiss him again but his head told him that that would only make things worse.

"You know who I am, what I am," he started, hoping that Magnus would see that they couldn't be together, that assuming anything different would be wishful thinking "It doesn't matter how I feel, we can't be together. Kissing you was a mistake."

He moved to stand up, to flee from the conversation just like he had yesterday, but Magnus firm hand on his shoulder held him back. He sank back onto the sofa, running both hands through his hair. He felt like crying, but giving in to that feeling would make him lose his dignity as a shadowhunter.

"What you feel does matter," Magnus told him in earnest "And I don't care that you are a Nephilim. I like you and I know you like me back. That is all that counts. I know that your society looks down on relationships between two men, but they don't know and as long as you are happy why not just do what you want?"

"Because that is not the problem," Alec replied with a bit too much force and looked at Magnus again "You really don't get it, do you? There is no future for us. Once I go back to Idris we won't be able to ever see each other again.