Impossible Love

Becoming Friends with Magnus?

They portaled back after riding and talking some more. He liked to listen to Magnus so it wasn't much of a problem, but he still felt uncomfortable. He wanted to tell something of his own, see the honestly interested look on Magnus' face again. It was just that he feared that opening up would get him to like the Warlock even more. He liked him too much as it was.

He unsaddled Mazikeen in silence, avoiding eye-contact with both Magnus and Catarina. When he closed the stall door behind him and turned around, the prince was right there, looking at him rather worried "Did I say something wrong? You were awfully quiet after you told me about your siblings."

Alec shook his head, putting the halter onto its holding, desperately trying to think of something that would allow him not to look at the Warlock once more "No. No, you did nothing wrong," he assured, "I just prefer to listen."

He turned around again, now having to look at Magnus for the sake of showing good manners and saw him nod "But still, you seemed like you were dodging every opportunity to contribute something to the conversation. If I am being unpleasant company just tell me."

Alec sighed and wished he could just lie to Magnus and tell him that he wanted nothing to do with him, but he was a terrible liar when it came to things like that. "You are not being unpleasant company," he started and didn't really know how he could be true to what he felt and still not let the Warlock get close to him.

"It's just that I don't want to talk about my life. Or talk in general. I prefer to keep to myself and that has nothing to do with you," he technically wasn't even lying, but it still felt like it "I don't want to spoil your fun, so the best you can do is stay away from me. You'll be happier."

Magnus seemed to consider his words thoughtfully because he just looked at him for several seconds "I doubt that and you won't be happier either. Whatever you are hiding from, closing yourself off from everyone will not make it better. I am not saying you should tell me all your secrets, but not having anyone to talk to will just hurt you in the long run."

Alec wanted to argue against it, to tell the Warlock that that was not what he was doing, but somehow Magnus'words were too close to the truth to leave him cold. He was closing himself off, hiding an essential part of himself from everyone he passed and he had nobody to talk to here. He didn't know how much time he was going to have to spend in this place, but he would probably get lonely.

But he told himself that that was better than making friends and risking everything. He had Jace to talk to, that had to be enough somehow. If being lonely meant not getting hurt in the end it was what he had to choose. Unfortunately, he had the feeling that Magnus wouldn't stop any time soon "Why do you care so much?"

For a split second the Warlock seemed to delve into sad memories before he calmly answered Alec's question "Because I once did what you are doing. Closing myself off from people, out of fear to get hurt and I am telling you it might work at first, but you are going to get lonely and sad and after you pushed everyone away you are lucky if there is just one person willing to help you."

Alec looked away, he couldn't face the genuine concern on Magnus' face. He might wrongly assume that someone had broken his heart and that he was here to get away from everything, but all those wrong assumptions didn't lessen the emotional effect his compassion had on the Shadowhunter.

It was heartwarming, that a total stranger cared so much, put so much time and energy into getting through to him. However nice it was it also filled Alec with dread. He assumed that the more he would try to push Magnus away the more the man would try to help him. It was a vicious circle.

"What do I have to do to stop you from trying to help me?" he asked, knowing that that wouldn't help him at all with keeping a distance to Magnus if anything at all it would only make him feel more conflicted. He worked so hard to suppress the part that wanted to talk and laugh with the Warlock.