Alpha Without a Pack...

Chapter 78

                                           Sidney

I was completely losing my mind over the little bombshell the boys deemed me worthy of, all I wanted to do was run for the hills but I couldn't, not yet. They would be in danger of I left them now or not, my past enemies would make sure of that, besides until I handed the alpha position back to Bowen I was still their main protector. So yes I would act like everything was fine and dandy on the outside while letting myself freak out in the silent little locked away piece of my mind. Once the new bathroom door was installed I headed outside to get some space and think, thankfully the boys didn't follow but I was sure they'd be watching out a window. 

My wolf was ecstatic over their little group confession, it was something she'd been wanting for a while, but me... I was just so confused. Yes, I had entertained the idea ever so slight of bonding myself to all of them permanently, but certainly not at all romantically. Liar, you want this just as much as I do. The persistent pleading of my wolf to be allowed to have her way was not helping with my muddled thoughts. I mean sure I thought of having a bit of fun with one or two of them when my hormones were running wild, but twelve as a relationship like Mads had with her boys just didn't seem possible. I worked the numbers over and over, trying to keep an open mind as I'd promised, but every outcome I played out in mind ended in some form of bloodshed from them.

 I heard him approach behind me in caution, one set of footsteps that always advanced alone when my response was uncertain, I sighed as I caught the wave of his familiar scent. "Hey Puppett, what can I do for you?" I turned to him with a tired smile, his shuffled his feet and kept his eyes on the ground. "Maybe forget that our confession ever happened?" He met my gaze hopefully as I kept my hands in my pockets to stop myself from pulling him into a hug. "I can't do that, it wouldn't be fair to any of you, or me for that matter to pretend it never happened." I puffed out softly and his gaze dropped to the dirt yet again.

 "We all feel bad that it happened like that, it shouldn't have... it should have been better, when we... it just should have been better." He sighed heavily, his eyes pleading with me for forgiveness. "Did the others send you out to do their dirty work or did you choose to be the little diplomat?" I raised curiously. "A bit of both actually." He winced with an uneasy chuckle. "Of course." I snorted back with the shake of my head and glared back at the house. "Sid, do you think you'll ever..." his question trailed off leaving the important part blank. "Love you all back? The thing is Puppet what's to say I don't already love you to a degree, just not the way you love me?" I whispered as his frown deepened. "I don't... what do you mean?" He wondered softly. 

"The definition of love is to have a deep affection for someone or something, in that logic I love food, I love music, I love animals, and I especially love my pets." I stated clearly before continuing on at his questioning glance. "To quote Kathy Baker 'There's different kinds of love, darling. Some people you love no matter what, and others you love when the situation is right. To me, the best kind of love is no matter what kind.' So take an example with all of you, some of you including yourself make me feel comfortable, relaxed and happy in your presence, I do have a deep affection towards caring about you. Then you have the other side of the spectrum where Beck, Micah and some of the others rest on driving me mad and annoying me to no end, although there are times when I feel that same affection towards them I usually feel more irritated with them." I explained slowly, he was feeling a wide grin at me now. 

"So you do love us then, well me and a few of the others mostly at least?" He asked hopefully and I groaned softly. "Going by certain standards I suppose I do love you in a certain way, like pack, friends, and maybe in the case of Beck or Micah like an annoying and occasionally perverted older brother. The simple fact is as much as I care about all of you I don't see you the same way as my wolf does but she's still high on hormones so I don't trust her reasoning, to me you're my friends not romantic interests." I sighed softly. "I think we can live with that for now, although I think Beck and Micah might be upset you think of them as brothers, family zoned seems a bit worse than friend zoned." He snickered out and I laughed lightly in return.