don't hold on | rick grimes, twd

49

my ears were ringing, my vision was blurred, and throwing up was the one thing i felt was gonna happen in the next moment. my wound is definitely infected—maggie even said so this morning. what the hell am i supposed to do? we have no food, or medication. hell, i could have blood poisoning.

judith's crying because of hunger didn't help, but i didn't blame her, she's a baby, and babies cry. everyone else was out scouting for the new guy aaron's friends, i really did want to go help, but i can barely run now.

i leaned against a piece of tall wood in the barn, near a tied up aaron whilst rick tried to ground up some acorns for judith. "you did see the jar of applesauce in my bag, right? this isn't a trick—this isn't trying to make you like me, this is self-preservation. because if roamers hear her and come this way, i know i'll be the first to go."

me and rick both glared at him, and then shared a look of caution together. i mean, he wasn't lying. this guy is very persuasive, and in a good way. he seemed to mean well. rick sighed in defeat, knowing he'd at least have to try. he got up from his squatting with judith, and got the apple sauce. he scooped up a spoon full of the smooth substance, going towards aaron.

i knew what he was trying to do, so i gave him a nod, signaling to him i could do it. i bent over and shoved the spoon of apple sauce toward his mouth, and his face scrunched up in disgust and shock. it took everything in me to stay standing.

"you think i'm trying to poison your baby daughter? i am tied up and your husband has already expressed his willingness to stab me in the head. how would cruelly killing your daughter in any way help this situation?"

it was weird first off to know that aaron assumed rick was my husband, but it didn't matter in this moment. we can't trust him as of now. we still have to be alert. i narrow my eyes in irritation, "you wanna prove that this little community of yours is real—eat it. my daughter needs to eat so i'll take that chance. so just do it."

aaron went off on a rant how his mother tried to make him eat more manly foods, and that applesauce was one of them, therefore it was clear to me he despised the food. i nudged the spoon closer to his mouth, letting him know that i didn't give a shit about his childhood, we still have to be cautious, on no matter what cost. thankfully, aaron gave in.

i stood back up from my bent over position, nodding to rick for the all clear. he nodded and snatched the jar, grabbing another spoon and starting to feed judith. suddenly the feeling came back again, the chills, the nausea, it went away for a minute, but it's back again.

i had no choice but to collapse onto the ground, standing as of now was too much for me. i sat myself up, not gonna lie, i'm probably dying, i could be dead later, tonight, or tomorrow if we don't find any medicine. but i don't want the group going out there and risking it just for me, they shouldn't have to. what if someone gets hurt? or worse, dies? i can't have that.

"nik." i hear rick say, i felt his breath against my face, and his hand touching my shoulder. "her wounds infected yes?" aaron asks rhetorically, "at the community we have medicine, to treat it. if it's sepsis she could be dead by tomorrow night, rick. think about this. your wife—is dying. let us help her. please."

i opened my eyes slowly, and met rick's. my eyes watered at the fact that i was even thinking about dying and leaving lola behind, "i don't wanna die, rick." my voice cracked, as i tried my hardest not to break down, i took in a deep breath, "but if i do, just take care of the kids."

the pain, the hurt, and the guilt of me suffering was clear in rick's eyes. he didn't answer, but i know he was considering going to this safe zone. even if he doesn't, it's okay. i trust rick, but i really don't wanna die. i know that if i did everyone would take care of lola, especially rick. and i know she's strong enough to hold her own, because that's how i raised her, because she has the blood of me in her.

all eighteen of us were grouped together near the back of the barn, it was time we finally discuss what our next move was. while everyone was standing, i was sat down on the ground in front of everyone, holding judith whom was snuggled up on my chest.

cans of food were stacked up on a chest we found in the other room, at least it's food, we scored with it. holding a can of whatever it was, rick stood up and showed it to aaron, "this, this is ours now."

aaron nods in understanding, "there's more than enough."

"it's ours whether or not we go back to your camp." rick claps back.

"w-what do you mean? why wouldn't we go?" carl asks with confusion clear in his tone, he points to me, "look at her, dad. she's dying!"

"after loosing my aunt, my dad, you want me to loose my mom now too, rick? she needs medicine!" lola protests in anger, her eyes were full of rage, and i understood why, but it didn't matter to me if i died, as long as her, the kids, and the group are cared for, i'll be okay.

"lola." i speak to her weakly, wiping the sweat off of my face, "it doesn't matter, okay? if we don't end up going and i die, it's alright, you're strong."

"what? no! hell no." glenn shakes his head, looking to rick, "we need her, rick. okay? you need her. the kids need her. think about it. even if we don't end up staying at his community we need to get her medicine from there, it's the only way she'll get proper treatment and live."

"if he were lying—or if he wanted to hurt us, but he isn't, and he doesn't. we need this, nik needs this. so we're going, all of us." michonne paused to look at us all, "somebody say something if they feel differently."

"i don't know man—this barn smells like horse shit." daryl adds to michonne's statement, agreeing with her. i wanted to laugh at what daryl said, but i didn't, i was too weak to do it. rick took in a breath, looking at us all, he seemed unsure until he looked to me, and i think that's when it finally clicked in his brain.

"yeah, we're going." rick finally confesses, he turns to aaron, who was still tied up away from us, "so where are we going? where's your camp?"

while they discussed that part, i was distracted from hearing them when lola comes and bends down in front of me. she had a smudge of dirt on her cheek, her long brown hair was frizzy and had tiny little knots in it, her bangs were getting longer too. i need to cut them again.

lola didn't say anything, only she placed a kiss on the top of my forehead, "i love you, mom. please don't die, please."

i chuckled at her statement, nodding in agreement. let's just hope this community is it.

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!gif is of rick getting nikki's attention after she falls!