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tonight was a breezy night, i sat right outside our cellblock. i just leaned against the fence, letting the wind brush against my exposed skin. i was pretty covered, with my brown flannel, black henley tank top, jeans, my boots, and my puffy, thick hair protected my neck.
i just couldn't stop thinking about it all, all of it. shane was dead, karleen, lori. they were my family, the closest people to me and i let them slip away between my fingers.
i won't be seeing them again for awhile, and it hurts. i mean, all of us, we were surviving together, as a family. and then snap, they're gone. ah god, why are we loosing everyone? what did we do to deserve this? we did nothing wrong but survive. survive, that's all we did. i mean, don't you think we deserve a little happiness?
just for awhile? yes, we have each other and that should be enough, but what about security, laughs, smiles. we deserve it. i'm doing everything i can in my power to hold it all in, i can't let it affect who i need to be in this world. lola needs me, rick needs me, the group needs me, and i can't shut down and go into a chaotic mess. i need to fight for these people.
"can't sleep again, huh?"
i chuckle at the sound of the familiar voice, and when i turned around it was exactly as expected, rick. i sigh with a nod of my head, "yeah, n-no i can't. i don't know why, i just-can't."
rick nods in understanding, "no, it's fine. i understand, i can't either."
he pauses to take a breath, "i just can't stop thinking of her, y'know? lori. i mean, she used to make the worst pancakes every sunday and now-i'd give anything to eat 'em again."
i chuckle with a nod, "oh yeah. i know what you mean." i inhale, "i can't stop thinking of all three of them together. shane, lori, karleen. we knew each other post—y'know? now, they're gone." i snap, "just like that, and there's nothing we can do about it, nothing—"
i pause as i feel the tears well up in my eyes. control yourself, nik. you can't fall apart, not now. rick needs to know you're strong, and you're not gonna bail.
"y'know." rick pauses as he takes a step towards me, "it's okay to fall apart a little, nikki. you loved them with all your heart. and now they're gone, and even though they're in a better place than here—you miss them. i know."
i was on the verge of tears, holding it all in me, it felt like i couldn't breathe, or speak, just holding in my tears so hard and so desperately took all of that away from me. rick takes another step towards me, his eyes glimmering with softness and hurt, "nikki, it's okay. i'm here."
i shake my head in denial, feeling multiple tears run down my face, i broke. i start to sob uncontrollably as i crash my chest against rick's, feeling the tears just run and run and run. rick wrapped his arms tight around me.
i could feel my chest tighten as i continued to sob. in anger and in hurt, i grab the hem of ricks shirt and clench it inside my fists. and that's when i realized, after shane, after lori, i didn't let anyone in, or let anyone know how i felt, and tonight, i broke, and thankfully rick was there.
i now know that if i need comfort, or just a hug, that rick would be there. he knows how i'm feeling, he lost his spouse, and i lost mine. he lost someone close to him, and so did i. in ways, me and rick were similar and had more more and common that we thought. yet still..
i could continuously feel my stomach churn whenever it's near him. what, what was it?
