don't hold on | rick grimes, twd

10

winter. it was coming. and it was gonna come fast. supply runs were gonna happen more often, it's been two days since dale's death. and we just had his funeral. he was someone i didn't really know if i'm being honest. we occasionally talked but we weren't close. yet still, he was a sign of hope in the group, something in his words that kept us always going, and now we have to go without them, without him.

rick and hershel made an agreement that now it was winter, that everyone moves into the house. it'd be warmer, better. things were going okay. we're gonna make it, i know we will. our group has been through a lot already, but still i can tell we're gonna be going through a lot more as time goes by.

i told shane him and i were over, that he can forget ever getting back with me, i just can't forgive him, it's too soon. but if we wanna survive, im gonna have to work with him to protect our daughter, and that's the only reason i can stand being around him right now.

and as for lori, i have no idea what i'm gonna do about her, my feelings and emotions about her are mixed, she'll always be a good friend to me, but after learning what she and shane did, they don't have my forgiveness.

shane drove the blue truck down the dirt road, one hand on the wheel and his other resting on his thigh. i looked over at him and his eyes met mine, before i turned my attention to my window, i looked at anything but his eyes, i couldn't, i probably won't be able to for awhile.

when we arrived at the fences me, shane, andrea, t-dog, karleen, and daryl all piled out of the pickup truck. as we started walking along them, shane started shaking them to make sure they were durable enough. andrea held extra barb wire, t-dog carried the tool box, and daryl, karleen, and i strolled behind.

"hey." i looked over at daryl, who had just spoke to me. "you alright?" he asks me.

and i nod, "yeah, i'm okay. you?"

he nodded, and we didn't speak another word.

i shifted my attention to karleen and placed a hand on her shoulder, "and what about you, big sis? you okay?"

she chuckles, "oh yeah. i'm doing fantastic." she replies, sending a wink to daryl. i glance at him and see him trying to hide his blush. well, i kind of expected it.

me and daryl catch up to the three when we see walkers ahead, which looked like as it were eating a cow, about six of them. daryl took the first one, shooting an arrow in its head.

i raise my small machete that glenn had gotten me on a supply run, chucking half of the walkers face of with it. i whip off the blood, checking to see if there were any more. but t-dog, shane, and andrea held their own.

with no fear we stepped towards the walkers, who stood up at the notice of us. daryl shoots an arrow at ones head. and then again, i swing back my small machete and boomerang it forwards, slicing off the top of the walkers' head.

andrea killed one with her pitchfork, and shane finished the last one off with his shovel.

this is who we are now, might as well get used to it.

i had just finished taking down me, lola, and shane's tent. all of our stuff sitting in boxes right beside me. i stuff the tent back in it's original package it came from.

"babygirl, i need you to take this." i tell lola handing her the bag.

"okay." she complied, taking it out of my hands.

i pick up the two stacked boxes and walk over towards the blue pickup truck, where everyone was loading there stuff. shane, rick, and hershel were there talking. as i load in the boxes rick says something to shane before walking away with hershel. i felt his eyes burning into the side of my head, but i don't look, even though i want to.

lola caught up from behind me, and threw the bag i handed her into the back of the truck with a strained grunt. "look at 'chu." i heard shane praise our daughter, "you need to keep eating your protein, you're getting big and strong."

i heard her laugh with her father as i continued organizing the stuff in the back. i wish i could say i regret ever being with shane, but that's not the truth, he gave me the biggest blessing i could ever ask for.

" you guys get all your stuff?"

lola nodded eagerly.

"okay. you and mom go head towards the house. i'll see you there."

i didn't say anything to him, and reached my hand out towards my child, "lola, c'mon baby." she catches up to me and grabs my hand as we start walking towards the house.

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i don't know why. but i had to. i had to talk to shane again. about-what happened. i think that it would be best if we did. to clear things up once and for all, i couldn't stop thinking about him, about everything, it's like it was eating me up from the inside. i had to say something, if i didn't i'd probably explode.

when i got to shane he was building a lookout post on a radio tower. using a hammer to help nail the boards together. when i stopped in my tracks below him i felt the winter air breeze against my face, i shivered. "hey!" i shout up to him, "can you come down here?"

shane glances down at me before setting the hammer on top of the wood, and climbing down. when his boots touch the ground he turns around to face me.

i take in a deep breath, "do you remember, how we met, shane? i was twenty two, my life was shit, i was shit. i thought i had no hope for my life to get better. and just as i was about to jump. two men in police uniforms show up. and you, you talked me down. you let me stay at your place for the night and the next day you convince me to go into a psych hospital for a month. and just as you promised, as soon as i got out. you were right there waiting for me."

"nikki—"

"what happened to that? to that us?" i fought the tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes, maybe i cant do this like i thought. "it—it's like you completely changed after the world went to shit. and i get it, that you toughened up to survive, but i don't recognize you anymore."

"marrying you, and having our baby girl, was the best thing i've ever done in my entire life." he spoke, sincerity was clear in his eyes, "and i'm sorry i hurt you, i know i did."

tears were about to stream down my face, my chest tightened, like i suddenly couldn't breathe. no, i couldn't hear this from him, not now. "i'm glad you feel that way, shane." i began taking a few steps backward, "i'll see you at the house." i took one last look at him before turning my back on him, and continued my walk to the house.

i thought i could do it, face him without feeling like i were gonna cry, but i can't, it's too soon.

yikes....

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