Head Above Water

Chapter Fourteen

"I wanted to kill myself," Lilith suddenly blurted, earning a questioning glance from Toby. He pulled away from Lilith, his posture straightening as he got a better look at her.

"What? Why?"

Lilith placed her hands over her face, groaning out loud. "That wasn't how I wanted to tell you, or anyone for that matter."

Toby spoke softly, still sounding concerned. "It's okay, you can tell me pretty much anything at this point I think." Lilith moved her hands back to her lap in defeat, surprised to see Beck sitting beside his brother giving her the same look. She mumbled, keeping her eyes on Beck as if to direct her question towards him.

"Why is it so hard to just tell someone how you feel?"

Beck only shrugged, giving her a small smile as Toby responded. "It's probably because you're giving that person a look inside the real you. You're giving them a look inside your mind, but also your heart, and that's not easy."

Beck looked to his brother with a soft chuckle, "He got way smarter than the last time I saw him." Lilith couldn't help but let out a short laugh.

With a confused expression, Toby questioned her quick change of mood, "What's so funny?" He had a smirk forming on his lips as he watched Lilith shake her head.

"Beck," she began to point in his direction. "He's right next to you." Toby's eyes grew wider as he turned to face the direction Beck was sitting in.

He pointed at the space next to him, "Really? He's right here?" Lilith nodded happily, a smile growing on her face. "This is crazy. I wish I could see him."

"I wish you could, too. It would help me feel less insane."

Toby let his eyes wander back to Lilith, "Do you believe in fate?" Lilith only shrugged, not completely understanding what he was asking. "I never thought much of the idea. But lately with all this crazy stuff happening in my life, I don't know, it seems like it was destined to happen."

Lilith had never thought that maybe this was all meant to happen to her, but weirdly enough, she didn't hate the idea. "I don't know about fate, but just a weird coincidence?"

Toby let out a short chuckle, "I mean, there were so many opportunities for me to learn about my brother over the years. But only when you came into the picture did everything start becoming clear." Lilith nodded her head in agreement, finding it difficult to believe that this might all just be a coincidence. Toby continued, "This is just the start of my questions finally being answered. But for you, how'd you get involved with all this? There must be something you've been trying to figure out before getting into this mess."

"There definitely are problems in my life that I want to figure out," she sighed in defeat. "It's complicated how I got mixed up in this." Toby eyed her suspiciously, waiting for an answer. "If I could give you a reasonable, logical answer, I would. But it's still confusing. I'll tell you soon, Toby, but not tonight. There have been so many emotions already and I just need to nap."

He laughed along with her quietly, nodding his head in approval. "I hear you on that one. How about this," Toby lifted himself back up to his feet, offering a hand down to Lilith. "I take you to my secret area to be alone and think, and we'll continue this conversation there?"

Lilith took his hand, helping to pull herself up. She tried to wipe off any dirt which may have gotten on her pajamas while she nodded. "I guess we could do that. It'd be nice to find more quiet places to go to."

So they parted ways, even though neither of them really wanted to. Lilith knew she wasn't going to get much sleep that night. The only reason she didn't stick around to talk more with Toby was that she didn't want it to be about her and her problems. She never meant to just blurt out her secrets, but Toby seemed easy to talk to. She felt the same ease with Toby as she did when there was just Beck.

Lilith slid the back door open as quietly as humanly possible, slipping through the small opening and closing it shut. She did her best to take off her shoes without falling over, holding them in her hand and turning to face the kitchen.

She jumped back at the sight of her mother sitting on one of the bar stools, nearly throwing her shoes in the air. Her mother had a mug in her hands, smiling towards Lilith.

"You're out a little late, don't you think?"

Lilith quickly spoke, breathing hard, "I couldn't sleep."

Her mother nodded her head slowly, a small smirk growing on her lips. "Were you, I don't know, out with a boy, by any chance?"

With an audible sigh escaping her lips, Lilith walked over and stood across from her mother. She shook her head, "No, mom. I just went for a walk by the water. It's been an emotion-filled day and I just have a lot on my mind."

She had a questioning look in her eyes, "What happened, Lil?"

"Toby finally found out today that his brother had killed himself when he was younger. His mom kept it a secret from him for like five years."

Her mother's lips parted as she let out a quiet, "Oh." She nodded her head, processing the words that Lilith had said. "I understand Toby's a friend and all, but why is this bothering you to the point where you can't sleep?"

Lilith kept quiet as she thought about how to respond. She didn't want to tell her mother the true reasons, especially after just telling Toby that day. One person was enough of a start for her. Instead of just telling the truth, she just shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe that's why I can't sleep, I don't know how I'm feeling."

Her mother smiled sadly to her daughter, patting the seat next to her. Lilith walked around the counter, scooching the chair closer to her mother and resting her head on her mom's shoulder.

"If one of us kids were to die suddenly, by suicide or whatever else, would you hide it from the rest of us?"

Her mother glanced down, feeling surprised and shocked that Lilith would ask that. She wrapped one arm around Lilith's back, giving her a light squeeze. "Oh, Lil, I don't think I'd ever be able to hide it. I wouldn't want to grieve alone. No one should ever have to do that."

Lilith's voice quavered as she asked her next question, "Mom, what do you think would happen if one of us ever did something like that?"

Her mom shut her eyes, wrapping both her arms around Lilith. She squeezed her even tighter, rocking them slowly. "Oh my god, sweetheart," Lilith couldn't stop herself before letting out a muffled sob, placing her face more into her mother's chest. "I don't ever want to imagine what it'd be like without one of you kids around, especially you."

"I'm sorry, mom." Lilith apologized in between ragged breaths.

Her mother shook her head, continuing to hold her child. "Don't ever be sorry for how you feel, Lilith. I'm sorry you even feel this way." Lilith didn't say anything else but just continued to cry quietly. "Listen, sweetheart, I know your dad isn't exactly big on the whole therapy thing, but if you're having these thoughts and feeling this way, I want you to tell us. We'll figure it out, I promise."

"I'm scared," Lilith softly admitted.

Her mother frowned, "I know."

"There's just so much happening, that I don't know how to explain. Even if I tell someone, a professional even, I don't think anyone can understand."

They sat there in silence for a while longer, until Lilith calmed down and stopped crying. Her mother finally released her from her grip, "We'll get through this, Lilith, one day at a time. You should get some rest though, and I mean actual sleep. No more late-night walks, no more staying up all through the night. You need to actually let yourself heal through the night, give your body and mind some rest. Please."

Lilith nodded, giving her mom one last squeeze around the waist before heading to her room. She never meant for any of this day to happen the way it did, but she was glad for all of it.