Head Above Water

Chapter Six

Lilith sat on the bottom step, lacing up her sneakers as she took her time to get her running playlist ready.  She placed her headphones around her neck, quickly yelling out to her family who was awake already.

"Going for my run," she pushed herself off the step and opened the front door.  Looking back once more, "I'll be back soon!"  

Lilith figured that in order to keep her family sane about her disappearing for long periods of time as she went to talk with Beck, she'd have to come up with a better excuse than needing to use the restroom.  She, unfortunately, decided on jogging, which she wasn't actually serious about at first.  After she put on her running gear, it only felt right to give it a try.  Lilith found it enjoyable, and a moment when she could actually get some peace in her day.

She jogged up the driveway and down the road until she reached another cleared opening into the woods.  Lilith continued at a quick pace through the trees, soon returning to walking as she tried to catch her breath before reaching Beck.  

As the river came into view, she called out for Beck.  "Hey, I got like maybe ten minutes before my family starts getting concerned.  Let's get this therapy started."  

Beck appeared, a smile slowly forming as he watched Lilith start to sit at the edge of the water.  He walked over to join her, sighing to himself as he prepared to share his story.  He paused momentarily, "Wait, why only ten minutes?"

"No one should ever expect me to be running for more than fifteen minutes at most, or else something is very wrong in the world," Lilith said, still out of breath from running for maybe three minutes. 

He laughed, shaking his head at her honesty, "Alright, where do we start?"

Lilith only shrugged, "It's your story, start wherever you feel comfortable."

Beck just shook his head, glancing over at her.  "I think it's impossible to be comfortable when you're reliving your death.  Maybe you could ask questions first, and then we'll go from there?"

Lilith eyed Beck, "For someone waiting five years for another person to show up so you could share your story, you're not very prepared.  How about why did you do it?"

He gave a slight roll of the eyes at the diss from Lilith, "Alright, well, I never had that great of a relationship with my dad.  Actually, I barely had a relationship with him that I could remember."  Lilith had a sympathetic smile on her face as she turned to face Beck, resting her chin in the palm of her hand.  "He didn't really have a good relationship with any of us, my mom or my brother.  Me being the older sibling, I got a lot of pressure to be there for my brother when he wasn't around, to make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid and just make sure he grew up alright."

Lilith quickly interjected, "How much younger is your little brother?"

Beck's eyebrow raised as he wasn't expecting questions this soon, "Toby's three years younger than I am, or was.  So, he was about fifteen when everything happened."  Lilith only nodded, waiting for him to continue once more.  "Our dad ended up leaving one day, taking the car, the credit cards, basically everything we really needed at the time, and just disappeared out of our lives.  My mom was really adamant on not calling the cops and just letting him go."

He let out a deep breath, "So, with our dad gone, I was really thrown into the position of helping raise my brother and be sort of a father-like figure almost.  It just really added a lot of pressure, which added on to the pressure of me trying to get out of this town.  I wanted so badly to leave and go to school somewhere far away, try and get a good job to actually help out my mom, but it seemed impossible.  Then, that one day, it all just became too much for me."

Lilith took hold of Beck's cold hand, squeezing it lightly for support.  He squeezed back, giving her a small smile.  "The day I did it, my mom freaked out on me.  She was screaming and crying about how I wasn't helping her enough with Toby and that I should just leave as my dad did.  Toby just sat in the corner, watching it all happen.  He looked scared and didn't know what to do.  Usually, when our parents would fight, I always distracted him and made sure he wasn't there to see it, but when it was me being yelled at, he didn't have that distraction.  I didn't know how to react to my mom screaming at me, so I just started crying.  I was scared and confused as to why I was getting in trouble for something I shouldn't have been responsible for in the first place."

Beck's voice shook as he got choked up on his words, "Instead of just talking to her like I should've done, I lost it.  I left the house and came out here figuring I'd just go for a walk or something to clear my mind.  When I came across the river, my subconscious reached an entirely new level of thoughts on how to deal with my problems.  You can probably guess what happened next."

She nodded knowingly, "Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready to really hear the details yet."

He nodded, letting out a breath he was holding in.  "That's okay, it's a lot to take in for one day.  I mean, you probably don't even need to know the small details, just as long as you know that I did it and I regret it all."

They sat in comfortable silence for a minute, just steadily breathing as they watched the water.  Lilith bit at the inside of her lip, pushing herself up from her sitting position.  "I guess I should head back before my parents start to think I'm trying to be a professional runner or something."  Beck nodded, staying where he was sat.

"Okay, I'll see you next time?"

Lilith kept her eyes on him, watching as he didn't move his attention from the water.  She nodded anyway, "Yeah, and Beck?" He turned his head back, his wary eyes watching hers, "I'm sorry that you dealt with all this."  

Beck gave her a simple grin, wrapping his arms around his knees and holding onto his wrist.  Lilith took that as her cue to leave, feeling off and quite different than when she showed up not too long ago.  She took her time walking around the long way through the woods, her mind feeling clouded as all she could think about was Beck's reasoning for doing what he did.

Hearing his reason made her feel like a worse human being.

She had everything:  two loving parents, the chance to get away from home and get an education, support from all her family.  She couldn't understand why her mind kept leading her to that dark place, thinking that was the only way out.  Beck clearly had it so much harder in life, so why was Lilith wanting to deal with her problems in the same way as he did?  

Lilith kept getting stuck on seeing the negatives in her life, continuously trying to make herself the victim in most situations.  After Beck's story, she started feeling more self-aware about what she was doing.  Nevertheless, Lilith still couldn't help but find her mind lingering back to that place.

She shook her head while also simultaneously trying to shake her thoughts, the house coming into view.  Now she had to push them down, hide them away from her family, until the next time she met up with Beck.