Blood (Levi x Reader)

37. ** Standing Still **

As I stood atop the Wall of Trost, overlooking the sprawling landscape that was once home to so many people, I clenched my jaw in disgust just thinking about what horrors had transpired there. Even though I wouldn't be deployed along with my squad, I was still going to send them off with pride before they charged into Titan-infested Hell.

Considering my unusual circumstances, Commander Erwin allowed me to subtly explain my leave to my squad. I had to at least tell them why I wouldn't be joining them in the Battle to Retake Wall Maria and Shiganshina. So, before everyone left the barracks, Levi called for a last-minute meeting. My eyes scanned the room slowly, allowing myself to memorize each individual face carefully. I watched as the young soldiers whispered curiously amongst themselves, rather confused by Levi's request. However, they were immediately quiet when Levi cleared his throat, passively demanding their attention. With a deep inhale, I forced a smile to cover my weary face, but the moment I opened my mouth, there was only silence.

I could feel the panic beginning to rise in my throat as I fought to keep my composure. That was when I felt it: the warmth of Levi's hand wrapping around mine. It wasn't behind closed doors. It wasn't snuck under the table while we ate. It wasn't quickly done in passing. Captain Levi had openly initiated affection toward me in front of our entire squad by voluntarily taking my hand. Needless to say, everyone was shocked. His selfless act was proof of just how much he supported me, and in doing so, I was able to find my voice again.

"Due to obvious time constraints, I'll try to make this quick." Shit, how the hell do I word this...? "I've uh, been training alongside you all with a sort of ultimatum, if you will, that this would be my last battle before I... take a Leave of Absence. But, I asked Levi to call everyone together so I could tell you that I- uh...well... that I'm incredibly devastated that I can't go with you tonight! I am so sorry! Really, I am! I tried my best, but- Commander Erwin says rules are rules! So, uh..."

I paused for a brief moment, after awkwardly stumbling over my words like a rambling idiot, and glanced sheepishly over at Levi. He just gently squeezed my hand in response, urging me to continue. I bit my lip timidly, inhaled deeply through my nose, then scoffed in amusement at my own apprehension.

"Fuck it...I'm pregnant."

After such a blunt confession, every single facial expression evolved into some variance of dumbfounded surprise. I giggled slightly, watching a few naive eyes bounce from me to Levi, to our interlaced hands, then back to me. The stunned silence was broken by Connie suddenly jumping to his feet and shouting, "You and Captain Levi!?"

Roaring laughter and joyful cheers immediately replaced the awkward tension that hung so densely in the air. I was almost knocked over by an overjoyed Sasha, who raced toward me in tears, flinging her arms around me for an ecstatic embrace. Connie followed close behind, sandwiching me between the two elated goofballs. Jean attempted to shake Levi's hand, but immediately withdrew his gesture when he noticed his Captain grimacing at his dirty palms. Instead of just sneering and rolling his eyes, Levi nodded respectfully at Jean, acknowledging the thought behind his actions.

Standing next to Eren and Armin, who were both grinning like idiots, was Mikasa, whose face had slowly softened into a kind smile. My heart was full, as both Levi and I were showered with genuine congratulations from everyone in our squad. I held on tightly to the love that I felt in that moment, keeping it close for when I would have to say good-bye.

My stomach churned nervously as I fidgeted with my hands, watching group after group of horses travel slowly up the side of the Wall. Almost all of them had been transferred to the top, which meant it was almost time... I knew it was just my own anxiety, but it felt like the sun was setting faster than normal; perhaps it was due to all of the threats and profanities I had mentally flung at it after realizing that my begging and pleading wasn't going to stop night's arrival. I began to shuffle closer to Levi, who had ridden up with all the Commanders, Squad Leaders, and their horses. He was standing in between Hange and Erwin, staring down into the crowd of people below, who were shouting and cheering loudly. Everyone on the Wall had curiously gathered along the edge, a bit distracted by the level of noise produced by the citizens of Trost.

"Take back Wall Mariaaa!!!"

"The future of mankind is in your haaaaands!!!"

"Hey! Captain Levi! Thank you for saving this town!!!"

As the shouts of gratitude and cheers of encouragement continued, I turned to find Levi's gaze had softened to the sound of such unexpected words, for he seemed slightly amused by what was said. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that this had been the first time I had ever heard people happily sending off the Survey Corps. It could have even been the first and only time for Levi, Erwin, and Hange as well. I couldn't think of a single time when we had been sent off with a smile or received a warm welcome when returning home. The Survey Corps had constantly been taken for granted and was usually regarded as a useless waste of life.

I stood back, yielding my desire to stand next to Levi. This wasn't my moment. It was his.

Just then, shouts full of pride burst from the wall; not surprisingly from the mouths of the more spirited souls of my squad: Connie, Sasha, and Jean. "YOU CAN COUNT ON US!!!"

As I leaned against a crate of supplies, giggling joyfully at the heartwarming sight before me, a sudden passionate roar ignited a furious fire within each and every soldier. With the only arm he possessed, Erwin unsheathed his sword and pierced the sky, as the most fervent, resounding battle-cry exploded from deep within his soul. I could feel my skin prickling from the sheer magnitude of his thunderous voice, which only seemed to intensify from the people's returned response. I could feel tears suddenly rolling down my cheek, brought forth by Erwin's unfeigned bellows, wrought with emotion. He had barely given the final order to commence the operation when I felt Levi's shadow cast over me. With a startled gasp, I looked up into the eyes of Humanity's Strongest Soldier, and stood unmoving, frozen before him. This exact moment had plagued my dreams so many times that it had become surreal. How could it truly be happening after all?

"(Y/N), you take care of yourself, alright? Take care of yourself and our little brat... Look, I don't know what we'll run into out there, but when all this shit is over, I'm coming back to you. I want... I really fuckin' want to get this right- this whole "family" thing. I won't be the best "Dad" ever, but I can sure as hell try-"

I had lost all levels of rationality, as my emotions (or rather, my hormones) completely overtook my body, ordering my arms to thread themselves between Levi's, enveloping him with the most fearful of embraces. I could feel the hesitancy in his voice, understanding how badly he wanted to hold me close once more, but was too reluctant to initiate such an intimate act before his comrades. So I closed off everything around us, bringing my cheek to his chest to press my ear against his heart. Ever so slowly, I felt Levi surrender as he snaked his arms around my trembling body and held me close. I had told myself to stay strong for when we truly said good-bye, but it was impossible. I was a fucking puddle at his feet, sobbing tears into the folds of his uniform.

When he released his arms from their bind, I felt a lump rise into my throat, immediately needing his touch again. However, my cheeks praised the warmth of his palms when Levi fervidly enraptured my lips with his, demanding that I grant him one last breathtaking kiss before he embarked on a dangerous mission. Even though I should have been the one building him up for battle, he seemed to be pouring his strength into me, providing me with everything he could until his return. Then, as if the thought of literally saying 'goodbye' was too painful, he ripped his lips from mine and turned rapidly, his cape billowing behind him.

I instinctively reached out to pull him back to me, my mind screaming at my legs to run after him, but my feet never moved from where they had been planted, as if I had sprouted roots to the wall below. Once Levi stepped onto the wooden elevator, filled with horses and soldiers, he turned to the side, just barely allowing his peripheral vision to find me. My legs grew weaker as the elevator began its descent into the war-torn land of Maria. Only at the last second, when the wall had all but taken him from sight, did he finally face me, flashing the most subtle, crooked half-smile he could. Then, he was gone.

The once determined fiery sun lowered its head in defeat, its smoldering glow finally snuffed out by night's cold hand. Although I could still hear the earth shudder beneath the horses that led the Survey Corps away, my eyes were robbed from seeing their silhouettes anymore. All physical sensation retreated along with them, as my body stood almost lifeless in the same place Levi had left me. My boots cemented themselves to the ground when I decided that I'd rather evolve into a statue, never to move again, than to leave the place where Levi last held me.

So, there I stood in the darkness of night, silently awaiting my lover's return.