When the sun peeked over the walls the next morning, I had hoped for a well-rested body after a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, it had been far from what I desired. My knees were bruised from kneeling over a toilet, and my throat burned from the number of times I had vomited. I was sure it wasn’t all just a result of my Morning Sickness worsening though. I was terrified of being left behind, and my anxiety was overshadowed by the fact that it could be the last time I ever saw any number of my comrades. The endless possibilities of what could happen on the battlefield plagued my mind as devastating scenarios played over and over behind tightly shut eyes.
What if my absence is the cause of someone’s death? By not being there, they died? What if I was the one to prevent it, but because I stayed behind, they were eaten or crushed?
What if… no, no, no…. Stop. Don’t even think about it…
Why can’t I just- that won’t work either...shit...
...Maybe if I just… no, he’d never-
Fine! I’ll just… NO! I CAN’T! FUCK!!!
I still hadn’t convinced myself that staying behind was the right decision yet. Levi knew I had to ultimately choose for myself, and by having Erwin speak so genuinely with me, as well as Historia offering to house me on her Farm once more, he was doing his very best to help me decide. Even with the level of support I was receiving, and the obvious need to focus on the growing fetus within my slightly swollen belly, I still couldn’t fully convince myself that Wall Maria wasn’t where I was meant to be. I had run out of time to be indecisive and was losing my mind over it.
Levi hadn’t slept well either, although he was used to having such restless nights. I had done my level best to remain quiet every time I bolted for the bathroom, but most of my attempts had failed. Levi would stand just inside the door to check on me before quietly taking a seat behind me on the cold wood floor. There he would stay, gently rubbing my back or holding my hair away from my face while I puked my brains out. Although he usually just scooped me up from the floor every time I fell asleep beside the toilet, there were a few times when he dozed off first, leaning against the wall behind me. In those moments, I just stared at him in silence, allowing myself to appreciate the incredible human who had planted a new life within me. During one particularly long gap between my endless violent heaves, I attempted to bargain with the universe, selling my soul to whatever deity would take it, to allow me to glimpse into the future and solidify which steps to take to ensure I would spend my life with Levi by my side.
I craved clarity and confidence but was left wanting.
The hand that was draped over my waist as we lay in bed slowly began to trace circles over my belly, alerting me that Levi had woken up for the day. Placing my hand over his, I sighed and turned to face him. There, our anxious eyes met, as I was greeted with a morning kiss that was meant to be comforting and sweet. However, I could taste the underlying uneasiness that resided within his lips the longer we shared our breath. We both sensed the other’s apprehension, as we moved to caress each other by the cheek. The inevitability of having to let go began to set in, causing my lips to tremble at the thought.
Following a sharp inhale, Levi's hands flew up to grasp the base of my neck; familiar fingers tangling with my messy bed head. Desperately pulling me closer, he fused his lips with mine with such avid vigor that it began to sting. My breath shuddered a subtle whimper in the brief moment he released me, only to have him rapidly thrust our mouths back together again with fearsome despondency. Neither of us could hold back anymore. We no longer just had a desire for a physical union; we painfully required it.
There was an undeniable affliction coursing through me that could only be cured by Levi's body completely connecting with my own. The way I felt when he became one with me was like nothing else in the world. The euphoric joy that usually satiated my addiction held a grim reminder that this could be the final dose of my favorite drug. The agony that evolved from my cruel epiphany forced me to beg for more. If I could have planted my fingertips into his spine so I would never have to let go, I would have dug each one in without hesitation.
Levi had surrendered his soul to me, resurrecting the rarest form of tenderness that his heart could share. He melted into me as we lamented our reality, despising the thought of his absence from me, from us. The way he thrust himself inside me with such bitter anguish must have been derived from the fear he had failed to mentally bury. He had never expected to be in such a heartbreaking situation: Making the mother of his unborn child watch him ride off to war, disappearing along the horizon, never knowing when, or if, he would return.
The type of love we made was reflected in the colors of the morning sunrise. The furious hue of passion did everything it could to paint the whole sky red, even offering its calmer tone of pink or more golden shade of orange. It would give anything to not fade away again. However, time would always be hailed victorious, as the final wisps of pink dissolved into the most sorrowful hazy blue. The love that we made was our one last agonizing attempt to promise each other the future. And yet, we remained absolutely powerless.
With one last meaningful kiss, Levi swept his lips over mine slowly, then pressed his forehead into mine. Without moving, he exhaled in defeat and muttered, "Well, let's get moving. We've got a lot to do before I… head out."
His words still stung, even after all the mental preparation I had put myself through. He was really leaving. With my head hung low, I felt the bed shift as Levi stepped onto the floor to make his way toward the dresser. My body was weak and frozen, somehow fearing that if I left my current position, Levi would just be swept away before my eyes and lost to the abyss. Gripping the sheets under my hands, I felt my body grow colder as my throat tightened. The reality of it all was just too much to bear, and I finally broke.
"LEVI, PLEASE…! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!"
My pathetic cry escaped my throat before I was even aware I had spoken. The floodgates shattered under the constant pressure to hold everything in and stay strong, ultimately bursting wide open. I couldn't do it anymore; I couldn't always be the brave, strong woman I had become. I was mortified by the thought of being abandoned all over again and could no longer handle the torturous pain.
My body trembled uncontrollably as I caved, holding my belly so instinctually. Following the startled footsteps that flew across the floor, Levi attempted to console my defeated frame with an exhausted embrace. I bawled into his chest and fell heavily against him, screaming and crying as I beat my fists on the bed. My name rhythmically rolled off of Levi's tongue as he repeatedly tried to shush and soothe me. I never wanted him to stop. I treasured how my name sounded when he spoke it. It was not my given name of course, but the one I had chosen for myself after escaping from Viktor. It was the name that was associated with better memories.
Once my sobs faded into less frequent shuddered whimpers, Levi brought his face to mine, requesting my undivided attention.
"(Y/N)... Listen. When I come back from this fucking misson, we are going to live the life that you dreamed about. I'm going to build you a house on Historia's farmland, where we can raise this little brat together, away from the military, away from expeditions. You'll have your stable and everything, where our horses can live. Hell, I'll even quit the Survey Corps altogether and open up the Tea Shop I told you about… But, please (Y/N)...you have got to trust me when I say that I am not leaving you… I could never…do... that…"
My tears had finally run dry when my chest shuddered and heaved, trying hard to breathe normally again. If only we could skip forward in time to the life that Levi had just so perfectly described. Maybe then, I wouldn't be so afraid.
Life was truly unfair. If this would be the battle that ultimately claimed Levi's life, today would be our last day together. I would be left alone to raise our child, who would be a constant reminder of how I should have never let him go. Every single day for the rest of my life, I would be haunted by regretful sorrow.
No matter how hard I tried to prevent it, time marched on. The morning quickly disappeared into a bustling afternoon, which in turn faded into the evening I dreaded most. The fiery red sunset had returned in all its magnificent glory to offer it's passion to the sky once more. And yet, the beautiful bleeding brilliance was inevitably consumed by the prowling shadows of the night.
YOU ARE READING
Blood (Levi x Reader)
Fanfiction{Levi x Reader} {Trilogy: Pt 2} **Read 'Breaking Barricades' first!** When one threat is eliminated, another will take its place. This time, Levi knows exactly who he is: Kenny. And he will reveal a hidden secret from your past that you never knew...
