The Birth of Freedom

Sparhawke

I had familiarised myself with the new horse Miche had chosen for me the day after I had arrived at headquarters. He was large and towered over me but was also robust, fast and dependable and as such, I had named him Kano. Miche had shown me how to mount and dismount him without needing any assistance, and I had been genuinely grateful. I was sure Captain Levi had thought I was weak when I couldn't even mount my horse and the feel of his hands on my waist when he had lifted me up to the beast had been enough to nearly make head my explode with sheer embarrassment. At least now I didn't have to have a repeat of that fiasco.

Kano had an excellent spirit and responded to me well, he moved precisely where I needed him to without requiring me to assert authority on his reigns. He always returned when I whistled for him and had even reared up once in my defence during training when Hange had dropped out the trees and scared the shit out of me, as Miche had said, he was a good horse for a Vanguard rank. So, as I now sat on his back, waiting to move out, I had complete faith in him.

Commander Erwin sat mounted on his horse at the head of the procession, today his command squad consisted of Section commander Hange, her XO Moblit Berner and Captain Levi. Once Erwin gave the signal for the long-range formation, I would ride past them and take up my position. A little bundle of excitement hit my stomach as I glanced at the back of Levi's dark head. I had been a piss poor excuse of a rider before joining the scouts, but with all the time Miche had taken to teach me, I had become a confident and capable rider. Some ridiculous part of me wanted Captain Levi to see that I wasn't a liability on horseback anymore and an even smaller, more ridiculous part wanted him to be proud. I almost groaned in nausea at the thought.

Pathetic.

Our interactions over the last four months had been confusing and somewhat alarming. I'm not sure when I had begun, but more often than not, I found myself looking for him. In the mess hall, the training grounds, the gym, the living quarters, the stables, whenever he was there, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from spotting him. The most confusing thing, however, was that every time I would steal these idiotic glances at him, I would catch him staring at me too. Ordinary people look away once someone caught them staring, not the Captain though. His eyes would meet mine, and I would be trapped in his gaze, unable to look elsewhere. The longer he held me with his cold grey eyes, the stronger the feeling of heat would grow in my gut.

On one such occasion, I had been sat in the mess hall with Rian, Eld and Moblit animatedly discussing blade techniques when I had felt his gaze on me. I had met his eyes as was quickly becoming our custom but instead of our usual weird staring match, this time his lips parted revealing a tiny hint of his white teeth and his eyes had burned with such an intensity I hadn't known what to do. My body had reacted involuntarily, heat shot and twisted in my stomach and oddly, I had felt it resonated between my legs in an uncomfortable but definitely not unpleasant way. Heat had spread across my face, and I had jumped up from the table hastily causing poor Eld to fall back off his seat. Helping him up, I had made some excuse about forgetting to help Nanaba with the horses and had fled like a coward.

I had never felt anything like it before, and frankly, I hadn't understood it. Later that night in my dorm, I asked Nanaba what the feeling was while leaving out who had caused it, as she helped me tame my tangled curls and the hairbrush had snagged in my hair, making me wince in pain.

"Your twenty, aren't you?" Nanaba had asked, an awkward look on her face. I had not understood how that was relevant. "Didn't your mother not teach you about sexuality? Surely you must have had a relationship or at least fooled around before now" she had continued on; the heat had spread across my face when I had realised it was those feelings she was talking about. A topic I knew plenty about thanks to soldiers talking, but first-hand experience? I had none.