Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

34. jack of all fears, master of none

"Breaking is okay," she had told me and I'd suddenly understood. Overcoming my fears wasn't going to be easy. I couldn't get through it just with a brave smile. I'd have to break and face it but I'd come out stronger on the other side. And I didn't have to do it alone. I could lean on June for support. It had come like an epiphany and I felt stupid for not seeing it all along. 

It's not never showing emotion and facing everything flawlessly that makes me strong. It's going through the hard bits and not giving up that does. 

So, I'd called June and told him my plan to officially conquer every fear in one night. He'd thought I was crazy but agreed. Now it's just come to the logistics of working out how we actually find each one and overcome it. Especially at this time of night when everything is just about to close. I'm glad I put June in charge of the itinerary. 

"Blindfold time," June says after a few minutes, breaking the silence. 

"Are you gonna keep this up the whole way?" I ask. 

"Uhhh, probably not. Just let me have fun with it one more time." I slide it back over my eyes in defeat and rest my head in my hands. It's going to be a long night. 

After a few minutes, we come to a stop again. We hardly could have driven that far down the highway so I have no idea how we've gotten to another stop. June comes around to my door and guides me out again. I shiver in the cool air as we walk. I can still hear the cars racing by. Have we literally just pulled over to the side of the road? And if so, then where is he taking me?

"Okay, you can look," he finally says. I pull down the blindfold and look up at a neon flashing sign above my head, 'motel'. I glance at June. 

"Firstly, did you not hear the fact that I said in one night? We don't have time to sleep and especially not in some crappy motel. Secondly, what fear could we possibly conquer here?" I say in confusion. He smirks and raises his eyebrows. 

"We're not sleeping here. We won't even be booking a room."

"Then why are we here?" I don't understand why he has to be so cryptic all the time. 

"You'll see." I shake my head at him. I give up on trying to figure it out. He takes my hand and leads me around the side of the hotel down some back entrance. I look at him closely and tug on his hand. 

"Where are we going? This seems sketchy," I whisper under my breath. I'm not sneaking around this motel like some creepy drug dealer unless he explains to me what's going on. 

"I mean, technically we're not doing anything wrong. But legally, it could be considered...breaking and entering." His voice goes up on the last few words as if he is afraid of my reaction. I squint at him. 

"What?" This is not the June I know. Have I corrupted him? Stealing cars, breaking and entering, this is crazy. "No, no, no. How will this even help me get over a fear?"

"Just trust me. I've been right every other time, haven't I?" he says. I shake my head at him. 

"Fine. But if you ask me anything else crazy, I will be leaving."

"Ah, too bad then. The next thing I was going to ask you to do was strip."

"What?" I have completely forgotten about whispering, I practically yell at him as I pull my hand out of his. He laughs to himself and pulls his shirt over his head. I turn around to face the other way, not wanting to see anything further. 

"Oh, come on. Don't be boring!" he says. "Anyway, I didn't mean completley, just to your-" he pauses. I snicker, he probably doesn't want to want to say bra and underwear. I turn back around to face him and see he is just in his boxers. I feel a blush rise up in my cheeks and I'm suddenly grateful for the dark. 

"And you said I was something earlier!" I shake my head but pull my clothes up over my head anyway. If he's going to be crazy then I guess I will too. We're in this together. We stuff our clothes into the backpack he was still holding and he ushers me through a door around the side of a building. I still can't believe we're doing this but I follow him anyway. 

"I stayed here with my family a year or so ago, I'm pretty sure it's around here," he says. I glance nervously around us, luckily it seems like everyone's asleep. The rooms are lined up two-story in a semi-circle around a courtyard with the reception at the front. From there, an orange glow is cast out on the concrete but other than a few street lights it's dark. 

June leads me to an area sheltered by some large trees and I finally see what all this was about. A pool sits there glistening under the shallow moonlight. He chucks his bag up over the railing and crouches down, joining his hands together. 

"Here, I'll give you a boost." I tentatively step onto his hand and he pushes me up onto the fence. I put one leg on either side and glance down at him as he pulls himself up. 

"Are you sure we should be doing this?"

"No. But we are." He winks and jumps down onto the other side. He immediately dives into the pool and surfaces with his hair dripping over his eyes. He shakes it, flicking water everywhere and smiles at me mischievously. "You coming or what? There's a deep end." 

I scrunch up my face. I know I shouldn't be doing this, I wanted to overcome my fears not end up in juvie. But maybe I'm overthinking it? June dives under again and swims the length of the pool in broad strokes, the water rippling off his body. 

I came here to overcome all my fears, and this is probably my only chance at doing it tonight. I remember us on our beach trip. Him holding me in the water. The way his body heat warmed me up as I stood in the cold currents. The water dripping down his face and down his chin and landing on my nose. I slide down to the other side of the pool and walk across the orange tiles. 

"I better not regret this," I say and jump in with a splash. As soon as I surface, he's in front of me. He reaches for me and pulls me against him. I laugh and wrap my arms around his neck. 

"You won't," he whispers in my ear and pulls me deeper. The floor of the pool slowly disappears from under my feet and in a split second, I feel the heartstopping moment of being unable to stand. My body constricts and my breathing halts. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold onto him tighter. Being weak is what makes you strong. I can get through this. 

I try to forget about the water and focus on my breathing. In, out. June runs his fingers gently down my back and I relax a little. Swirling waters. Drowning. Air running out. Bloated, floating like a balloon in the stagnant waters. 

"I'm scared," I say quietly. 

"It's okay. What can I do?" 

"I don't know," I say. He stays silent. I try to calm my thoughts, slowly but surely taking each one and dissecting it till it's no longer frightening. The water around us has long gone still. I begin to breathe again when I realise I've probably been standing here for a good ten minutes with nothing bad happening. 

"You're doing amazing," he tells me. I'm so grateful just for his presence. How can I not feel safe with him? He doesn't make me feel stupid, or weak. He lets me take my time and lets me think. It makes me realise what the therapist kept telling me in all those sessions was true. People who really love you aren't going to abandon you just because you aren't strong all the time. 

Everything is finally calm and I let go of June and begin to tread the water. The stars shine above us in the endless sky and I smile. This is what conquering a fear looks like.