Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

08. indigo

The next day at school, I find myself sitting on the floor of the drama hall cross-legged when someone comes crashing down next to me.

"Hey!" It's Patty.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him. Patty was definitely not here at the meeting yesterday and I certainly didn't take him to be a theatre kid.

"I just joined."

"Wait actually?" I look up and see that Ms. Clarke is glaring at us so I drop my voice down to a whisper. "They let you do that?"

"Apparently." He smiles. It'll be fun to have Patty to hang out with. She finished her instructions so we all get up and get to work. I grab Patty and bring him along with me deciding he's going to be my little apprentice. Ms. Clarke stops me as I walk past.

"Hello dear, I'm so glad you decided to join us. Have you given a second thought to that role? Auditions are next week."

"No sorry," I tell her with a small smile, "I'm just here to work on the set."

"Of course, thank you for that. Let me know if you need any help."

"I will." I turn around and Patty and I walk to the supply closet. I pull it open with a creak and look over the options.

"So I take it you don't like acting then?" He asks me breaking the silence as we walk behind the stage.

"Yes." I mumble. I grab the paint tins and start passing them to him, purposely not elaborating on my answer.

"Why not?" He says after he realises I'm not continuing.

"Fear of large crowds. Can't perform in front of more than a few people without freezing up."

"How do you know you have all these fears anyway?" He looks up at me. "I'm sorry, not the right thing to say."

"It's fine," I say. "I know because this intense feeling overcomes me anytime I am faced with any of them. I can't think clearly and my brain goes all fuzzy. It makes me lose control of my thoughts." I stop realising what a crazy person I must sound like.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with that."

"It's okay," I say quietly. We lapse into silence again. I keep passing him the tins but I am overly aware of our lack of conversation. I rack my brain for something he told me about one of the times we hung out so we can have a topic to chat about but I come up empty. I thought that it was going to be chill now that we both agreed to be friends but I still feel a bit of awkward tension between us. Our fingers brush when I pass him the paint and he freezes for a second. He continues on as if nothing happened but I noticed. Finally, we start painting and its not so bad.

I pretend I'm concentrating really hard to avoid conversation and some of the other kids come up to help us. They act as a bit of a social buffer and I start talking to this girl called Amelia in the class almost entirely just to avoid talking to Patty. He's a really nice guy, but I don't know. I really want to be his friend but if we can't even have a proper conversation anymore it's not gonna work. At the end of the class, we are left as the last two cleaning up. We don't talk but just pack things away silently. I try to sneak a couple glances at him but he seems to be ignoring me. Maybe he's embarrassed about the whole thing? We both grab our bags and he holds the door open for me which is really sweet.

"Uh, see you." I say. We are standing in the doorway. I see him move in for a hug but I throw my hand up for high-five which he reciprocates lamely. Oh God, I made it worse. I should've just hugged him. Why didn't I just hug him? Friends hug each other all the time! He gives me a little wave and walks down the hallway. I just stare after him and get a sinking feeling. I want to be his friend and I really thought we would be cool. But now, I'm not so sure.