Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

25. sand dollars

There are tulips as bright as the sun placed on the little table between us. I lift my glass of water to my lips with shaky hands. 

"So how have you been this week?" Avery asks. She taps her pen against the clipboard and I watch it in agitation. "Sorry, would you prefer if I put this away?" 

"Yes," I mumble. She slides it into her bag and turns to face me again. 

"Did you put into practice any of the coping methods we came up with last week?" I glance out the window at the clouds passing by. "Lavender, I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

"Sorry," I pause, "I tried using them. I think it helped."

"That's good. Progress is small steps."

"It just seems so overwhelming," I whisper. She nods her head. 

"I know but trust me, it gets easier." I pick at the fluff on my sweater. "How about the medication, is that working for you?"

"I don't know. I haven't been as panicked so I think so?"

"I'm really proud of you, you've already come so far." She smiles at me and I squirm. 

"Yeah, thanks." I don't quite know why I have such an aversion to her. I think I'm still trying to get used to the whole premise of even seeing a therapist in the first place. As much as I don't want to admit it, it has been incredibly helpful. 

When I get home, the first thing I see is Salty by the door, mewing. I pick her up and plant kisses on her nose. She's the sweetest cat. After having her in the house for a week, I  got used to it. To begin with I'd jump every time I saw her or stepped around a corner. I couldn't even sleep the first night and my parents had wanted to bring her back. I refused. 

After I saw that she'd done no harm in that time and that I was obviously overreacting, I managed to relax. It was only then that I slowly got used to her and now I smile and pet her every day. It gives me such a great sense of satisfaction knowing that I've finally fully conquered a fear. Twelve fears. I have twelve fears now. And soon to be eleven. 

With summer holidays less than a week away, I thought it'd be the perfect time to overcome my fear of deep water. That's how much later that afternoon, I find myself in the passenger seat of my dad's car with my legs hanging out the window. I know it isn't the safest way to drive around but no one is really out right now as it's getting late. The sun is already setting and I'm worried it's already going to be too dark by the time we get to the beach. June turns up the music loud and I watch as the blur of the trees rushes past my window. It's a beautiful day. 

We arrive at the beach a little after six. Just as I predicted it is getting quite dark. I kick my shoes off right away and walk to the edge of the water. The cool sand squelches beneath my toes. 

I haven't swum at the beach for years. It's the worry of a drop off into deep water that scares me. I don't know what I'd do if I found myself in a place where I couldn't stand. Who knows what lurks in those depths? Sharks, killer whales, crabs that will nip at your feet, perhaps? Or giant stingrays and strange creatures with sharp teeth. You can't see under the water. You can't know what's there.

The ocean is practically a graveyard by this point. If you add up all the shipwrecks, missing people, fallen planes that probably ended up there and mysterious drownings; I'd bet there would be millions of dead bodies just floating around. 

I have a bit of a morbid fascination with that kind of thing. I know just about every incident related to the Bermuda Triangle from the mysterious light Cristopher Columbus supposedly saw in 1948 to the plane which allegedly disappeared just last year.  

I know all of the mysterious creatures from history and folklore that no one really knows about. Everyone thinks they're fake, but I'm not so sure. There's the Loch Ness Monster, Leviathan, giant octopus, Merman, Mermaid, Sirens, Kracken and who knows what else?

That's why the last five billion times I've been to the beach all I've done is sit up on the sandy bank where its safe and played with the shells while watching everyone else swim. No matter how sweltering the sun got on my back or how inviting the turquoise water seemed I never strayed from my spot.

I strip off to my bathers and shiver in the cool air. June does the same and the two of us chuck our clothes in a messy pile up on the sandbank. He smiles at me and takes my hand. I stay at the water's edge looking out at the horizon. 

"Start small," June says. I can do that. I can just dip my feet in. I gently test the water with my toe. What if something pulls my ankles and drags me under? I jerk my foot back. June has already started walking in. He stands shirtless, chattering his teeth and shivering. 

"I'm freezing!" he yells, "get over here and lend me some of your body heat." He shakes his arms and starts jumping up and down on the spot. 

I dip my foot back in and take a step. Then another. Then another. I pretend it's the staircase. Just one step at a time. Before I know it, I've reached June. I grab onto his arm and grip it tightly. He lets out a small chuckle. "It's okay!" he says, rubbing my arm. 

I dart my eyes to the water and breathe out in relief.  I can see my feet, the sand and a clump of seaweed. I can see everything. Nothing can sneak up on me at this depth. The water laps against my body like shards of ice. I'm only at belly button height. 

"How much deeper do we have to go?" I ask June. 

"Is this scary for you?" he asks. I release the strong grip I had one his arm and see I left indents. 

"Sorry," I mumble. "But no. I can see the ground so it's okay. I just don't like deep water. You can't see what's in deep water."

"Well we have to go till you can't see the ground, then," he says. I shake my head. 

"No, can we not?"

"You don't have to do anything, but if you want to get over the fear then yeah." I breathe out a shaky breath. My feet are starting to go numb. By this point, the submerged parts of my body are used to the water. It's my top half that's freezing in the biting wind. I take a step deeper, almost entirely due to this. 

"Hold my hand and don't let go," I say. He slips his warm hand into mine and I already feel safer. 

"It's okay," he says softly. He uses his spare hand to scoop up some water and he splashes it all over me. I let out a shriek.

"Hey!" 

"Just trying to get you used to the water, honest!" he grins mischievously.   

"Do not mess around with me. I swear, if you push me under right now I will kill you," I say. I struggle to keep my voice steady but laughter bubbles up anyway. He grabs my arm and starts to pull me under and I panic. I push him away, hard and let out a frightened scream. He takes a couple of steps back. 

"Oh my god, Lav. I'm so sorry. I was messing around, I forgot for a second how terrifying this is for you. I'm so sorry." I start shivering violently. I'm in too deep. Too deep. Too deep. I feel his warm arms encompass me and I rest my head on his bare chest. We're both still shivering as the wind blows against the droplets dripping down our bodies. 

He rubs my back slowly and I calm my breathing. I'm safe. "I'm okay," I say and he lets go, looking down at me in concern. 

"I'm so sorry."

"It's not you, it's me and my dumb brain."

"You're not dumb," he says softly, "you're perfect." I pull away from his intense gaze.

"I am dumb. I'm weak and pathetic and I can't even stand in water up to my chest at seventeen freaking years old," I bite my lip to hold back a sob. 

"You're not dumb or pathetic and you don't have to be strong all the time. Everyone is weak. That's what being human is." He says and lifts my chin up with his hands. "Look at me, Lav." I tentatively meet his gaze. "You're perfect and don't let anyone else say otherwise." His voice almost sounds angry. 

"Okay," I whisper. I slide my hand back into his. "I want to do this. Let's go for a swim."