Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

37. up, up and away

"You're crazy!" I call back. 

We stop at the small chicken stall. The man was right, the scent is strong. Warm orange lights glow from inside the booth where two men appear to be cleaning up. 

"Hello?" June calls. One of them turns to face us. 

"We're closed, sorry." 

"We just need one, of anything. It's for someone else," June says.

"Please?" I add quickly, not wanting us to seem impolite. 

"I said we're closed." The man turns away and goes back to whatever he was doing. I can see June's face is crushed. I put a hand on his arm. 

"It's okay, really!" I say quietly. He looks and the ground and turns away too. "You tried your best. We'll come tomorrow."

He trails after me but I can tell by his face how disappointed he is. I feel pretty crushed too, I had this last-minute rush of energy and I feel like I won't quite get the same sense of completion without doing it all now. I wish we had of come just fifteen or so minutes earlier. 

"Wait!" Someone calls out and June and I turn around. It's a younger boy who looks around our age. His face is pockmarked with acne scarring and his hair is dishevelled but his smile is as sweet as a lollipop. 

"My boss is kinda strict," he says in a lilting voice. "He just went outside to empty the bins but here." He holds up a plastic bag with styrofoam containers in it. "We'll just be throwing this out anyway." My heart immediately leaps into my throat and June and I run back.  

"Thank you, so much," June says.  He holds us a five-dollar bill, but the boy shakes his head and gives us a wide smile. 

"Don't worry about it. Like I said, we'd just be throwing it out." He glances down at our linked hands. "You two have a good night together." He winks and I look at June in alarm. 

"We're not-" I start to say but June pulls me away. 

"No time!" he cries and smiles at the boy again. "Can't thank you enough!"

We race back to the ferris wheel and hand the man the bag. He licks his lips and smiles. 

"Alright, you earned it," he says, with a chuckle. He opens up the gate beside him and June and I walk through. The carriage sits there with the door open and June and I climb in. We sit on either side of the small space and the man closes the door behind us, checking all the locks. He pulls on the door and seems satisfied. "Okay. No rocking, please keep arms and legs inside at all times. Have fun."

He walks back to his position and the ride suddenly jolts as we begin to slowly rotate into the air. I look at June and he holds his hand up for me. I hi-five him and laugh. We actually made it on. 

With all the rushing around, it didn't really hit me until now. I suddenly realise where I am. Trapped in a small case, going up like a rising sun into the sky with no immediate way down. I feel my breath quicken and I grip the cold bars. 

Stop. I tell myself. Enjoy this. You're safe. 

I switch over to June's side of the carriage and snuggle into him. He puts his arm over my shoulder and I sigh. It's okay. He rubs my shoulder gently and I curl my legs up beside me. Everything is calm.  

I glance down and smile as I see two figures standing below. Jade and Indigo. They have a massive stick of fairy floss between them. I wave at them and they wave back. Jade jumps up and down enthusiastically. God, I love her.   

The city stares up at us as we rise into the sky. I can see the lights on in the little windows and I imagine people going about their lives. Making tea and reading quietly in bed, tucking kids in, microwaving popcorn for movies, sleeping soundly.  

The stars twinkle like opals in a desert dune and the clouds float by in swirls of pearl and azure. Breathless. 

June looks down at me with his milky, hazel eyes and his smattering of freckles like finger painted sparkles in a whispering tide. 

"Are you okay?" he asks. I nod. 

"It's so pretty."

He leans his head down to rest on top of mine and pulls me closer. Our breaths fall into a rhythm. 

"Lavender?" he asks quietly. "What would you say if I loved you?"

"I'd say I love you too," I reply in a voice quieter than his. 

"What if I said I loved you...as more...not," he pauses and I feel his adam's apple bob as he swallows. "Not...as a friend."

I hear his breath quicken and I tilt my head up to look at him. He has an intense look in his eyes and I can't tear myself away. I lean an inch in, giving him a silent yes. His breath is soft on my cheek. 

He leans his head down and before I can even think about germs or love or what I'm doing, we're kissing. I reach a hand up and push it through his soft curls. His lips are so soft and warm and it feels intoxicating. 

Everything swirls around me and I melt into him. I come up for a breath and he opens his eyes to stare at me. I give a small smile and he presses his lips against mine again. I bite gently on his bottom lip and he lets out a soft moan. I pull back and see him with a blissful expression. He glances down at the ground and back up at me shyly. 

At this, I can't help but giggle. He blushes profusely which just makes me want to kiss him harder.

"Lavender, I really love you," he says. 

I stop breathing. The stars stop shining and the clouds stop floating and the ferris wheel stops spinning and my thoughts come to a crashing halt. 

I really love him too. I love him more than I can comprehend. I love him so much it scares me. 

But then my thoughts start up again and everything starts whirring like cogs in a machine that wants to destroy me and break my heart into a million tiny pieces and scatter them to the four corners of the earth. It all goes by too fast. Too fast. Too fast. Remembering Patty. Then tears and fears and love and and and. 

I'm drowning in lovesick porridge. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper and close my eyes. 

I can't do this.