ATEEZ Say My Name | Oneshot BoyxBoy

54. San x ATEEZ

Story plot: After thinking about it for a while, San has decided to confess something very personal with the others. Something they know about, but something he hasn't shared with others. Even though his boyfriend's know about this secret, they still want to do whatever it takes to make San feel better.

As they're making their way to the beach. San is starting to feel anxious.

Beforehand, they all prepared a message for the others including San, but he decided to write a very personal one. He's so thankful to have his boyfriends always supporting him, but there is still something he wants to get off his chest in front of them and to let his beloved Atiny know.

San tends to get really shy when other people compliment him for his personality or looks, because he just doesn't always see himself that way. Some days are better than others, but on his bad days he just wishes he could stay covered up under his blankets and not leave his room.

On the bad days he refuses to even take a glance into the mirror, because he can't stand his own reflection. He hates the way he looks, the way he walks, the way he talks, he hates every little thing about himself.

He never really talks about it, because he doesn't want to come across as someone who is just fishing for compliments this way.

He fumbles around with the tiny piece of paper that has some key words on it in case he can't find the right words to say. He's lost in his thoughts when he feels a soft arm wrap around his neck, causing him to look up and break his chain of thoughts. "Everything okay Sannie? We're worried about you.. You seem like you're not really here.."

San smiles as he looks at Yeosang. "I'm fine Sangie. Just a little bit nervous for the whole speech part you know." Yeosang nods understanding and presses a light kiss on San's cheek. "We're here for you remember. We'll always love you." San smiles and nods as he intertwines his fingers with Yeosang.

No matter how his speech is going to work out. He knows his boyfriends will want to talk to him afterwards anyway.

And maybe that's not even a bad thing. Maybe it's okay to let them know how I feel. I mean they kind of know because I drop little hints sometimes, but I never really said anything out loud. And how will all my loving Atiny react? Will they still love me and support me or will they leave me like everyone else has always done..

"Earth to Sannie!" San looks up and Yeosang wraps his arms softly around his boyfriends waist, placing his hands on his lower back. "I don't know what's going through your mind, but it must be something. You know we're always here for you right baby? We'd always listen to you."

San smiles as he looks into Yeosang's shiny eyes. "I know. You'll know it soon. It's something you all should know." "So it has something to do with your message?" San nods as Yeosang pulls him closer, placing a kiss on the side of his head. "I love you San." "I love you too." San sighs as closes his eyes for a second, feeling comfortable and safe in Yeosang's arms.

They're all standing at the top of the beach, overlooking the ocean and San smiles. His mind is at peace for now, the soft sounds coming from the ocean are comforting him right now and shutting down his thoughts.

He knows it's his turn to speak up soon and the calmness he felt when they got here is slowly fading while anxiety is forcing it's way through his calm feelings. As Yunho wraps up his message and makes his way back, San knows it's his turn now.

No turning back now. No holding back now. They need to know how I feel and I know that right now is the time. If I don't speak up tonight, I probably won't ever speak up about this.

San takes a deep breath as he walks down to the beach, forgetting to even give his boyfriends a kiss. His mind is a mess, but he knew that would happen. That's the reason why he wrote it down on a small piece of paper.

He looks up at his beautiful boyfriends. He stares at each of them for a brief moment before unfolding the tiny piece of paper as they're all looking at him and waiting for him to speak up.

"I.." He pauses for a second as he looks at the paper and back up. "I tend to have a low self-esteem and I'm sorry that it might have a negative impact on all of us. But no matter what, you guys always tell me  that I'm the best and that really lifts me up and gives me strength again. I'm very thankful for that."

San closes his eyes as he feels that he's getting emotional at this point. He never wanted to have a negative impact on the group. He doesn't want them to feel like they constantly have to pull him back up from rock bottom. He doesn't want to be a burden and complain about everything. He feels like he should be thankful for the fact that he can do what he loves the most.

Before his mind can rapid fire him further into the darkness of his own mind, he feels two arms wrap around him. He looks up with a blurry vision, but he can make out that it's Yeosang who is standing in front of him and holding him close. "Is that what go you so nervous today?" He asks and San can only nod while his mind is still trying to drag him down for being open and complaining.

"Sannie!" He rubs in his eyes to see all the others making his way towards him. He has no idea for how long he must have been standing at the same spot, not making an effort to walk back up for them to come down to him. "Sannie, we love you. A lot. And you having a low self-esteem from time to time doesn't change that okay?" Hongjoong says as he brushes a tear from San's cheek that escaped from the corner of his eye.

"San, I really want you know that it's okay and that this doesn't have a negative impact on us okay? Please don't feel like you only bring negativity along because you don't. We wouldn't be here with you if we didn't love every single bit of you. We all have our moments. Remember how upset I got when the stylists wanted to change my hair?" Seonghwa says as he looks at his boyfriend.

San snuggles closer into the comfort of Yeosang's fluffy jacket and nods his head.

"Or the time when a stylist suggested me to wear a mesh kind of shirt. I lost it in the dressing room remember?" Wooyoung adds and San nods.

"What we're trying to say baby, is that you're not the only one. Maybe you're a little more insecure than we are, but that's okay. We love you for who you are and we'll lift you up when you're feeling down. You're not a burden at all, so please don't ever feel like you are okay?" Yunho says as more tears start to escape from San's eyes.

"You guys are honestly amazing I'm so sorry. I didn't know when I was suppose to tell you this and I'm sorry. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you guys."

"Stop right there! You deserve every single one of us okay. We love you more than anything." Wooyoung says as he kisses his boyfriends forehead.

Yeosang smiles as he cups San's face in his tiny hands. "Remember these words okay Sannie? We wouldn't say them if they weren't true. Come let's get back up there so you can relax for a moment and listen to the sounds of the ocean alright?"

San smiles as he rubs the tears from his eyes. "I'd love that." He quickly pecks Seonghwa on his lips since he'll be next. "Good luck babe." San whispers and smiles as he follows the others back up the stairs to the railing.

Mingi stands behind San, wrapping his arms around San's waist in a warm back hug. "I'm proud of you." San smiles as he closes his eyes and finally feels like he's able to breath again. "Thank you. Thank you all so much for everything."

Jongho smiles as he places his hand on San's hand which is resting on the railing. "No need to thank us. Thank you for opening up to us." San smiles as he places a kiss on Jongho's hand. "I'm glad I finally pushed myself to do it. I honestly feel like an immense weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

A/N: I'm back my loves! I'm really sorry about the long delay and this being kind of a shitty oneshot. I'll be working on my writing skills again from now on. I've been really busy with school. I can't thank you enough for continuing to read and support my book.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!