𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑡'𝑠 𝑎𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡𝑦 𝑓𝑎𝑛𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑖𝜊𝑛²

you're panicking but, just breathe

//You//
Every second I'm left waiting my heart starts to beat a little faster, the blood from my hand soaking through the toilet paper, making it stick to my skin. It doesn't hurt so much as just feel hot, not quite burning. The shaking doesn't help though, neither does the numb feeling in my face and feet. Speaking of my face, that certainly burns.

The pain in my neck is quickly spreading upward and leaving me with a piercing headache that makes it hard to see straight - though that could just as easily be caused by the tears that are running down my cheeks and neck to the point where they are dampening the collar of my t-shirt.

I try to breathe, I remember Kevin's voice telling me to do just that, his slurred words making his Irish accent slightly harder to decipher. I don't know how long it has been but it feels like hours and I need to hear his voice again. I need to.

I pull my knees up to my chest, my hands continuing to shake as I take shuddering breaths, my heartbeat pounding in my ears and the loud ringing static I can't locate the source off quickly overpowers the sound of the TV a couple of rooms away. I can barely hear the ragged sound of my own breathing. I rake my uninjured hand through my hair and bite down on my lip hard enough that it draws blood as I bite back my sobs, desperate not to draw Craig's attention, though I'm sure he'll come to check on me soon anyway.
I just want to scream.

I clench my hand in my hair, grabbing a clump and tugging on it as my nails curl into my palm.

"P-please, Kev- Kevin P-please, " I mutter to myself before settling on repeating his name in a whisper under every painful breath. My chest aches in a way that makes me want to curl in on myself but my knees can't get any tighter against my chest.

I open my eyes that were squeezed shut when a flash catches my attention, Kevin's name pops up on my screen. It takes me a while to grasp it with how violently my hands are shaking as I reach out for it but I manage to accept the call before it ends, pressing it to my ear.

"Y/n? Are you okay?" His voice comes through a little crackly though that might just be the ringing in my ears and not the call connection

"N-no." I stammer, keeping my voice as quiet as I can manage while making sure he can still understand what I'm saying.

"Are you still locked in the bathroom?"

"Y-yeah."

"Good, the police are on their way, just fifteen minutes okay?"

I nod, letting a sob escape me simply because keeping my teeth sunken into my bleeding lips to stop myself hurts too much. I know he can't see me, but I can't bear to listen to my own broken voice for a second.

"It's probably best you don't speak too much so he doesn't hear you," he pauses, "I just need you to tell me you're safe so I can focus on calming you down."

"The- the doors still l-locked." I manage to stammer.

"Okay, that's good, I just need you to breathe then y/n, you can do that for me can't you? Just deep breaths, in and out."

I try to slow my breathing and he repeats the phrase 'in and out' to tell me when to take breaths. It helps a little if I close my eyes and imagine it's his hand in mine and not my phone.

"You're doing so good y/n, so good, see? You're going to be okay, just like that, in and out."

If I wasn't so focused on calming myself down and if he wasn't actually helping I'd probably be embarrassed by the way he's speaking to me, but it really does help. He always knows what to say, even when he thinks he's clueless, even when he's drunk.

"K-kevin?"

"Yeah? What's wrong?"

"Have y-ou erm...h-have you been drinking?"

He pauses, "yeah, I um...I'm sorry I was just angry and scared and-"

"How m-much?" I still focus most of my attention on steadying my breathing.

"Erm, I don't know, a bottle maybe? I had a few glasses at the pub as well but I'm pretty sober right now so don't worry about me."

"I'm obviously going to be- to be worried, Kevin." A hiccup catches my breath.

"Let's just worry about you right now huh? You can yell at me all you want later."

"Can we- can we talk about something more joyful for a while then? I- this isn't ex-exactly helping."

"Oh! I got a new game yesterday and I'm really excited about it, I get to be a goose!" His voice instantly changes to one more jolly.

"Jesus Christ, " I laugh, as quietly as I can, "a-a goose? Sou- sounds about right."

"Hey what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well let's see, annoying, extremely white, m-makes a lot of noise-"

"You're just bulling me now!" He puts on his fake whine as he chuckles down the phone.

"It's not bullying if it's true."

"Well if I'm a goose you're like a rat or something."

"A rat? And I'm the- the bully?"

"Rats are cute."

"And they also live in sewers, Kevin."

"Well...you started it." I can almost imagine him sticking out his tongue at me.

"I didn't blatantly insult you."

"I'm pretty sure you did, besides I really do like rats, we should get a pet rat."

"Kevin we are not getting a pet rat."  This helps, joking, he's a good distraction. That's probably why so many people watch his videos, he makes you forget your problems so easily.

"You're right, I've already got one, two would be too many."

"I hate you."

"I love you too marshmallow."

"Marshmallow? That's worse than rat."

"How? You're cute and sweet and fluffy and squishy."

"And I taste good."

I hear him snort, "well now I'm never calling you that again."

I laugh, but its cut short by the sound of the bedroom door being swung open.

"Y/n?" I hear Craig's voice call. I swallow hard, and my breathing speeds up again, and my hands are shaking again and my eyes are burning with tears. Please go away. I hear him knock on the bathroom door.

"Y/n? Are you there? What going on?" Kevin's voice is quickly full of concern when I don't reply, I cover my mouth with my bloodied hand and I choke on a sob, and hold the phone closer to my ear with the other - as if Kevin's voice makes me that little bit safer.

A/n~ Thank you to DerWahreKackSack and anyone else who votes on my Kevin books because I can't name you all without this note being too long and me being here all day but it means a lot & you know who you are :))