Two Become Three- A Joanne Story

Ready for Life

"But why do I hab to stay here at Grandad's Dot? Why tan't I come with you?" Connie asked, when she was lifted to eye level with Dianne by Graham.

"It's a sort of sad day today and Daddy has to do some important things so you'll have to stay here alright, we might pick you up later or tomorrow? Is that okay?" Dianne said, tucking Connie's hair behind her ear.

"I 'pose so, can I huggle Daddy again?" She asked, looking back at the car where Joe was sat staring off into space. Dianne had driven them from London this morning, not trusting Joe to be focused enough. She had been terrified at first but had quite enjoyed it by the time she arrived on Graham's drive.

"Quick one Doris, Daddy and Dianne have to get going," Graham said, putting Connie down.

The little girl sprinted to the car and nearly knocked herself out as she opened the door but she managed. Joe shifted his gaze towards her and have her a sad half smile, lifting her onto his knee. Once she was settled, facing him, Connie kissed his cheeks and forehead. She put a hand on either side of his face and held his head straight, making their eyes meet.

"You're sad because Mum's in Heaven?" Connie asked softly, stroking his face. Joe nodded and let Connie wipe his tear.

"Maybe less sad Daddy, you told me that Mum was poorly and the doctors couldn't fix her. Maybe she's not poorly anymore. Maybe she happy! Nanny said that she was happy where she is now, in the sky," Connie said, putting a kiss on her nose, just how Joe would when she was upset.

"Hopefully baby, hopefully," Joe said his voice slightly rougher from lack of use. He pulled her close, hugging her tightly, inhaling her intoxicating scent. 

"I love you Daddy, from here to the moon, furver and allllll the way back." she whispered into her chest.

"I love you more!"

"I see you soon," Connie shouted, as Dianne got into the car to drive to the chapel.

"Ready my love?" Dianne asked, putting a hand on his knee momentarily.

"As I'll ever be," he sighed, leaning a head on the window, as she put the car in gear and steered out of his dad's drive. 

~~~

Dianne kissed his cheek and gave his hand a slight squeeze, as his name was called. He squashed his emotions down as he stepped up to the podium. Letting his eyes fall on the mass of black her found himself being drawn to his Mum and Dianne who were both giving him encouraging smiles. As he sorted his paper out he looked at Louise's mum who was in bits. He pushed away the feeling that it was him who had caused this and began his eulogy.

 "It's been 4 years and 127 days since I last heard from Louise so to stand up here today feels sort of wrong. But this is a celebration of the most incredible woman and I wanted to give a few words. A little context for you- I'm Joseph, I met Louise when I was 4, the age of my daughter now. She was my constant best friend from that day forward and we were convinced we'd be old and wrinkly and still best friends. Unfortunately we didn't make it." Joe said, looking at the ordained casket next to him. He reached a shaky hand out and corrected a flower that had begun to fall. As he did he held in a sob, recognising them as her favourite flowers, the very same flowers he bought her after she had given birth to Connie. 

"Louise gave me the greatest gift I never knew I wanted at a horrible price. When we were 23 we entered into a point in our life that neither of us were aware was ever going to happen, as I'm sure many of you know," he looked out at the sea of black. The sea of grief and broken hearts. "We became parents. I watched for months, as I'm sure many of you did, as the woman we adored fell apart. The memories I have from that period of out lives still haunt me to this day. I can still feel her sobbing in my arms as she battled with unwanted joy and pure fear." He took the time to wipe a tear away, the paper in front of him getting increasingly blurry, though he wasn't really using it; the words were pouring from him. 

"The say you never forget the day you become a parent. I certainly won't for 2 reasons. I got an amazing Daughter out of it, to love and hold forever. And I lost Louise that day. We lost Lou that day. My daughter carries her name and will live on in her legacy. As she grows up I hope she learns of the incredible person her Mum was. Mental health took away Connie's ability to grow up knowing her but I have tried to give her the love that I knew Louise had for her." He reached his hand out and patted the casket, feeling the smooth wood under his fingers, groudning him to the moment in history he was in.

"So it's been more than 4 years and 127 days since I last saw her and I can wholeheartedly say that not a single day had gone by where I haven't worried about her." He paused for a deep breath, trying to rid the emotion from his voice. Unsuccesfully, the tears began to fall freely as he carried on, "To know now that she is peaceful. That she is able to love and feel love. That she is, in the words of my, of our daughter this morning, not poorly, that she is happy. Gives me no greater peace and I hope that you all can feel the same. She was the most beautiful life and if our sweet girl can have just half of personality and love, she will be incredible. Thank you  for listening to me ramble and thank you Louise for giving me the greatest gifts, plural, I could ever ask for. I love you. Connie Louise and I, love you."

Joe stumbled off the stage back to the second row where he sat down and collapsed into fresh tears in Dianne's awaiting arms. "That was beautiful," she whispered, kissing his cheek.

"Can we get out of here?" He asked, a little later, glancing around. He was feeling suffocated by the church, by the grief that was around him.

Dianne nodded and stood with him, excusing them as they left the church. They walked in silence to a nearby bench Dianne never letting go of his hand. She was shocked to see there were no longer tears on his face and when she looked into his eyes she saw they were just a bit brighter.

"H-how do you feel?" She asked tentatively, fixing his collar slightly. It seemed something had changed in him since the morning.

"Free. I don't feel like I have to worry. I know she's safe. It's bad that this is how I feel, but honestly I feel free," Joe said, and Dianne saw the first genuine smile, though it was small, on his face in weeks.

"I don't think it's bad, I think it's reasoned. You carried a burden, whether you realised or not, on your shoulders for years. You carried an invisible worry that was solved when you realised she was at peace. That nothing could hurt her anymore. I understand I do," Dianne nodded, hugging him tightly.

"This is probably just a faze but for now I feel light. I feel sad as well, knowing she's gone," he said, voice quivering the slightest amount, "but I do, I feel a bit lighter. I want to hold Connie now."

"We should stay as they put her casket in the ground but then I would agree," Dianne said, wrapping her arms around her. The January weather was chilly and she wasn't dressed appropriately, he coat waiting inside the church with Tracey. 

"I'm ready for my life to start again Dianne Buswell, and I can't wait for you to see that."