One Shots // Seaycee

false confidence

His eyes are teary as he slipped slowly behind the thick blankets and drowned his face to the pillow. Sean felt like screaming--tearing his heart open, a solid kick right on his chest as tears fell from his eyes.

He tried to held himself back, telling himself that crying will not change a single thing. But then the thought of doing anything or trying to think as positive as possible, will not change a single damn thing too.

Maybe it's okay to be vulnerable. Just for today, he thought.

Sean tried to catch his breathe--breathing slowly as he rubbed his face harshly and ruffled his thick dark hair. He scooted from his bed, now standing to the mirror in front of him.

Sean can see his own reflection, a disheveled mess. He bit his lips anxiously, carefully examining himself from his hair to his feet. Imperfect, he thought.

Maybe they have always been right. About all the criticism they throw right to of his face. All these people he barely knew tried to drag him down into this huge black hole making him wondering what he's worthy about. Sean felt dumb for letting these people affect his life.

But their cruel roars are all on his head, it's playing in the background and is one with his deepest monsters. There's no way he can fight them back in. He's not that though, not like the mask he put on everyday.

Mediocore, wannabe, weak, loser.

"Isn't that the Sean Lew that danced ugly this homecoming?"

"Who do you think you are? Bragging with all these shitty skills?"

Can't dance, embarrassing, freak.

Sean could hear all these words, no matter how much he tried to close his ears and blocked them out. They are planted in his brain, he can feel a glimpse of fear that he always felt normally when he passed by the school hall. The anger he held back in when the audience laughed at him while he sang his song. The disappointment he felt when his friends stopped hanging with him and left him wondering what did he do wrong.

He took a quick glance at the mirror again. Sean directly grabbed the board marker sitting on the corner of the floor and quickly drew a big circle, two dots and a curve arching up. Looking at the work he has created, Sean forced a smile.

He can see the emptiness in his eyes, the tears hanging on his eyelashes and his disheveled hair--gently, he rubbed the tears away and fixed his messy hair. Sean closed his eyes, trying to play all the happy memories he could think of.

Oreo, his family, Korean barbecue, sunset, Kaycee Rice.

He can felt a smile erupting in his face, this time it looked less forced and much more sincere. He's satisfied, at least for now.

Sean took the marker again, slowly writing some words onto the mirror.

"Same mask all day, fake it till you make it."

--

She slowly unwrapped herself from the fabric hugging her petite figure. Her eyes are all fixed to the reflection she saw on the mirror. Kaycee felt antsy, even though she has been living inside of this body for almost 17 years, she is never used to looking at her own skin.

Kaycee knows that she is nowhere close to being perfect, but she can't help criticizing herself for the way she looked--for not being able to pass through the standards set by the society, for not being able to look like other girls.

She thought that maybe fixing the way she looked a bit will help her to gain the confident she has been lacking all this time. So that's why she tried her best to wake up early in the morning even though she does not want to just so that she can put a tiny amount of make-up that she always hated wearing and all these clothes that she has never been comfortable wearing.