Through Blue Sparkly Eyes

Nice To See You Too

He wasn't skipping class again, now.
If he went back home, he would get in bed and never get up. And then he would think about it over and over.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket and typed "I'm sorry" and hit the send button. A few seconds later the phone buzzed, he would check her response later.

He went to class so he wouldn't have to go home. That was it, he would pay attention some other day when he was feeling better. When things were back to normal.
Staring out the window was ok for today. At least he wouldn't be lying in bed feeling sorry for himself, or even worse, feeling nothing.
He was in full going-with-the-flow mode, which was ok for today.

He didn't like the emerging thought of what he knew he had to do, it's not what he wanted, and it made him feel guilty to think that way. He was no good, not for her, not for his family, not for himself. And the boy, the boy was just too good for him, he was normal, why would he even bother dealing with him? Moreover, why would he put him through it?
Bitting hard on the inner side of his lower lip of his now pursed mouth, his eyes watery while deep in his thoughts.
He snapped out of it, there would be no tears, they were not good enough for him.

After school, he didn't take the bus he needed a walk and he needed to get tired, physically tired, so he would be able to sleep tonight. He knew it could be counterproductive to get too tired, but he could fix it.
Once home, he would call his mom, tell her what had happened; maybe not all of it, but enough, tell her he was alright so she wouldn't worry.

He had just gotten home, trying to figure out what else to do to keep himself busy, when the door bell rang. He didn't feel like dealing with it at the moment, but he had to. As he opened the door and saw her, it all came back to him; the comfort of what he knew was good for him yet not enough, he just seemed to not be able to let himself be happy, a rush of anger that made him so tired surged. It wasn't enough and he felt it was his fault for not appreciating what he had; and most of all sadness for not having what he wanted. She was his friend aside from anything else yet not the kind of friend you can confide on having a broken heart, on not being able to shake someone else from your head. He walked up to her and hugged her, he wanted to cry, but it was for all the wrong reasons.

____________Wana Hangout?
He had attended school again which was always a good thing. He hadn't seen him either, he still never did on Thursdays.*

When his phone buzzed, he was in middle of a class. He carelesly slid his finger across the screen to unlock it,
he fidgeted his finger hovering over the boy's message convinced he should just swipe on the notification, but he opened it instead. A fixed expression on his face as he read it, his lips pursed to keep himself together. He read the last sentence a few times, a deep sigh almost getting the tears in his eyes to overflow. He had to keep reading the fucking thing because his stupid brain would keep bringing up images of him, distracting him from fully capturing the words in that sentence. It was simple really, it had been nice seeing him yesterday, and the boy also wanted to know if he wanted to hangout. That was of course, if he was to present himself still on a good day he bitterly thought, otherwise, he'd just break contact with him, dismiss on what he'd have to say on anything, and label him as butshit crazy like he had done with his own mother.
He breathed in and out a few times, before typing his response. He decided he'd be sociable acceptable.
It had been nice to see him too; so nice he couldn't forget about it, that sigh coming back to mind every now and then making him shut his eyes in order to mitigate the sorrow.
He then realized it had all been too quick; you shouldn't just fall like that on your own.
He had pushed him into it. It was all his fault; propiciating it for the boy to notice him like he had just because he needed him to.
He was sorry; for putting himself in the open to get his own heart broken, no grudge though, he could never hate the boy.
And then he hit the send button, and dropped the phone on the table in front of him.
He let his arm rest on the classroom desk surface, tapping his fingers on he corner of it, staring at his phone's black screen. Thinking he couldn't have been completely sincere, he didn't really believe any of it, it was just a lame excuse.
Seeing him yesterday had been the best, he had broken his heart though, but he could still feel his lips too vividly, his heartbeat still echoed in this empty vessel his chest now held. How could things be too quick when you feel this way? Was it not valid? Was it an illusion? Who would do this to themselves? You would really have to be crazy. But still he was sorry. So sorry for losing him.
He remained sitting there, tears burning on their way down his face.

______A Party Would Be Good
He was surprised when Sonja told him Emma had invited them to the party. He thought she'd hated him. But she got along real well with Sonja and he guessed he was part of the packet.
The sound of the music was good, seeing people and saying hi to people was good. It was all good, they didn't get to see his inner bruises. His body weight was pulling him down constantly, it was tiring, but he was there being able to pull it through.
And then there was Sonja, she was so sweet to him.
Her kisses made him sad somehow, he hoped it wouldn't show. Looking at her while she was talking, he wondered if she didn't notice. She knew him well, maybe she did and that's why she was so nice to him now after what had happened, she was being condescending almost, or so it felt. That explained her being so prone to forgive him no matter what. She probably thought he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't understand his feelings, he was just confused. But he wasn't, he was just hurt. She needed someone to depend on her, someone who made her feel important no matter what they did. He was confused about that, he wished he could tell her that, but it would be too hurtful. He wouldn't do that to her.
He wasn't a mindless being, he was his own man, no matter how broken he could sometimes feel, he was still his own man. It was all so sad, it suddenly hit him, he was taking advantage of the care she put in him because he needed it now; and she was counting on him to need her so she could pretend she didn't know what he felt was real and it didn't include her. But that was just too much of a pathetic thing to think of themselves, they would just pretend it wasn't so.

W/N
*🤭