a place we know| ✓

thirty four

"What do you want to do after all this? After Leah and our baby...after marriage? What's gonna happen?"

"I haven't thought that far, so I'm not sure yet," she spoke softly into his ear. "We'll take the days as they come and go from there."

Sometimes Gunner pondered upon family, in a loose sense. The kind he had before he threw it away. He always wanted to be like his father; the confident man who showed him brighter sides of life; the simplest joys in the most meaningless things. The man he loved, who loved his wife, who loved his sister, and who loved everything he had created.

He wanted to be that person for Audrey.

"But I might want to get my high school diploma." Her eyes began to glow brightly as dawn cracked beyond the horizon. "Then maybe one day I could go to college," she giggled to herself as though it were nothing but silly and juvenile, believing someone like her couldn't achieve something like that.

But Gunner didn't see it the way she did. He saw her ambition and he saw her doubts, all of which he caused. At times it was easy to forget that there was more to life than Ace and his family. There was more that his family wanted. Things he had taken away, opportunities he stole.

"It was my fault, wasn't it?"

Audrey was observant in the way she looked at him, understanding the deeper meaning behind his question. "What was your fault?"

"You were pregnant with Leah in the eleventh grade," he pulled the strings of his voice tightly along with his resolve, but there was pressure building at every weak point and his eyes weren't doing much except giving away his insecurities.

"And you moved in with me months later. There was no time for friends or high school or college or any of that normal crap." He moved his eyes to the blizzard outside and they became glazed with a thick layer of tears. "I took all that from you. I'm the reason you're unhappy."

Gunner's chin quivered, his teeth sinking into his lips to prevent any sounds from escaping. "I can't believe I was so selfish."

"Gunner, stop saying that."

As he blinked, he felt hot tears slowly slide down his cheeks. "I know, I know. I wasn't selfish and this was what you wanted and you made the right choice by keeping Leah. I've heard it all before, Audrey. But it's not true. You're just as heartbroken as I am."

The rest was engulfed by his tremors. "Be honest," he murmured quietly. "Was this really what you wanted? No family? No friends? Nothing but a druggie and your kids? Did you ever think your life would turn out like this?"

The answer was stowed away in her silence. He picked up on her even breathing, but even her warmth felt miles away. His eyes brimmed with tears once more, his heart sinking further under the surface, out of reach. Sad wasn't how he would describe this. Inside he was black, outside he was grey, next to Audrey he was blue.

"Nobody ever thinks they're gonna be a teen parent. At first, I hated you for getting me pregnant. I convinced myself that it was all your fault, not mine. That you had somehow ruined my life because all the plans I had for school and college and my career was over. I was scared and alone. I didn't know the first thing about being a mom, I didn't know what I was supposed to do."

She inhaled deeply before continuing. "But I had to be fair. It wasn't completely your fault. It takes two to make a baby, after all. And despite how unprepared you also were to be a dad, you still wanted the baby and you took care of me. You've hurt me a thousand times, Gunner, but I know the type of person you are inside. That's why I stay. I stay because I love who you are."