Sweetness

21

Merlin hadn't much felt like talking. 

He was alone, and what's even worse was that it was all his fault. Every awful aspect of what had happened had been completely caused by him. 

Perhaps if he exposed his magic sooner, Arthur wouldn't have reacted how he did. Perhaps if he had waited outside his guest's door, he wouldn't have snuck out. Perhaps--

It went on and on. 

How could he have been so stupid?

Gwen would often ask him if he wanted to talk. To which he would shake his head or let out a small "no, I'm alright, thanks," with a sad smile. 

Gwen was worried about him since she let him into her home.  It's not like he sulked around all day. He would go out in the morning, before she woke up and do God knows what until he came home with ingredients and cook dinner.  Gwen would also find the chores completed. She was grateful for his quiet quiet help, but he concerned her greatly. 

After only a day or too, her distress exploded from her and she told Lady Morgana of her troubles, who in turn reported this to Arthur.

Merlin hadn't  intended to stay Camelot, and he just needed a few days until he found somewhere else to live. More than anything he didn't want to go to Ealdor. Merlin didn't think that he could bear describing his situation to his mother. 

All he had was Gwen, and even she couldn't be confided in. He had done so much wrong that he couldn't confess his guilt to even his closest friend. 

He truly felt alone.

Merlin came back one afternoon to Gwen sitting anxiously at her kitchen table. He had not expected her to be home, and it shocked him even greater when Arthur stepped into the kitchen from the other room. 

Merlin edged towards the door, "I'm leaving, I swear. You'll never see me again."

"Merlin, come sit down. It was him who arranged this meeting," Gwen stated calmly. 

He swallowed, staring hard at Arthur, who had only days before, professed his underlying hatred for him. 

Arthur wore a stern but nervous expression. His arms were crossed over his chest but not in a resentful manner, more so communicating focus.

He said nothing. 

"I'll- I'll pour some tea," Gwen offered.

Merlin sat down. He felt trapped. Whatever would come next would surely be worse than execution. 

Gwen sat down two piping mugs on the table and muttered as she was leaving, "Right then, I'll leave you to it."

Neither man spoke. Neither reached for his cup. 

There was only dead air. 

Arthur eventually cleared his throat "Right well, I believe we have some things to discuss." 

Merlin scoffed. 

"What could you possibly want to discuss? You've made yourself very clear." 

In an instant, their eyes met and both felt a thrill of contact, and then both looked away. Merlin had convinced himself that he hadn't missed his friend. He knew initially this was untrue, but it was also far easier to work through when longing wasn't added to the bill. It was all impossible anyways.

They let it drop. 

"For a while, I thought that maybe your motive was to overthrow my reign. It seemed like the only explanation for keeping the secret that you kept for so long. And when I discovered the truth, as I clearly was never meant to, it felt as though you had never truly cared to tell me who you are. And, this is a pretty big part of you. I mean your magic, is clearly instinctual... I reacted badly, I apologize. But in that moment you were a stranger to me. Despite that I... I bore my heart to you in the way that I did." Arthur fiddled with his thumbs a bit, "I have been taught to treat strangers with kindness but also caution."

He paused, clearly trying to articulate his thoughts "Please excuse my-my frankness, but did you ever truly... care?"

Merlin's eyes went wide. Arthur was not an emotional person. He didn't allow himself to be. 

"Of course I cared." Merlin whispered almost to himself.

He knew that at this point, he had nothing to lose. He didn't have to lie to himself or Arthur anymore. After all, the worst thing that Arthur would do at this point, is ask him to leave, which was his plan all along. 

Merlin didn't understand the purpose of this meeting. He could've far more easily left it wordless. 

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I have? In this place? I had no idea what you would have done to me if I told you..."

"You know my stance on magic-"

"I know that you are not the king, not yet at least. I know you hold your duty to Camelot higher than anything else in this world. Otherwise, Samhain would have been a different. You left me then because you had to." 

"And then I fucking came back!" 

Arthur hadn't realized how heavy his breathing was.

 "I am not my father. The second that I am able, I will make things better for your people. And that is a promise I made to myself long before I laid eyes on you," he tried to calm himself, "I disobeyed my duty for you, because I-" he exhaled sharply not making eye contact, "I found myself in love with you."

Merlin didn't know what to say. He thought that reciprocating that feeling was inappropriate at this time, but he desperately wanted to. He missed his friend. He wanted things to be as they were, but he didn't think that could ever truly happen. 

"And maybe I still do..." Arthur started to get up to leave. He said everything had come to say, and it was clear that Merlin had nothing to add.

Merlin sat there dumbfounded.

It was all true. Arthur had gone against what he thought was right in order to pursue Merlin. Merlin, of all people! And Merlin could not do so little as to be honest with him, despite knowing Arthur's feelings on the matter.

He felt his eyes well up. 

His only lover had just walked out the door.

His magic, in his fury, had come alive and now sought the warmth of his prince, which he had missed so much. Every bone in his body was urging him to follow Arthur.

So he did.