Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

22. neon

I glance up the stage and see what must be the band setting up a bunch of instruments. A girl with a pink buzz cut and a lotus tattoo on her forearm adjusts the microphone and leans into it. I focus on my breathing.

"Hey everyone, thanks for coming out here tonight. Hope you enjoy the show!" She gives us all a wide smile that seems so genuine that I do the same back without even noticing.

A drummer with fiery red curls toppling around her shoulders and a neon green mini-skirt holds her drumsticks high in the air and hits them together. Then the music starts. The rest of the band involving a blue-haired girl with a pearl choker shredding the guitar and a man with glasses in the back playing the synth joins in. This causes the crowd to go wild.

Indigo laughs and starts jumping up and down, holding her hands up in the air. Jade does the same but with the addition of wildly swinging her hair back and forth. I look down at my feet, trying to ignore the surges of jostling people. My hands are clammy. It doesn't seem like anyone is even paying attention to me and it's a good thing.

Jade smiles at me as the neon beams wash over her face. Glimmering down the topography of her skin and covering it in brilliant hues of light.

Indigo grabs her hand and the two of them lean their foreheads together. I look away, feeling as if this is a private moment between them. It makes me feel even more lonely. I miss Patty.

I turn away from the crowd and slip out the front to get some fresh air. It was getting too stuffy in there. I'm proud of myself for staying as long as I did. I didn't let the fear overwhelm me, not long ago I probably wouldn't have even walked into an event like that. The medication must be helping. The air feels sharp down my throat and I lean against the wall looking up at the night sky. It reminds me of Patty and I's first date. I'd asked him if the stars ever got lonely. I think I have the answer now, and it's no. At least stars stay in the same place and don't go leaving one another.

I take a deep breath and walk back in. This time I stick close to the walls and just observe. Everyone looks like they are having a great time but all I want to do is leave. The band is good, I just can't handle all the people. 

I stay in that spot, unmoving for several sets. I don't even get a water to quench my scratchy throat. I just stare up at the roof and count, waiting to the moment I can leave. I'm relieved when Jade finally informs me we're going home. I feel a weight lift off my chest as soon as we step outside. I definitely underestimated how big my fear of large crowds was. 

As we sit in the car on the ride home, I try to call Patty. It's no surprise that he doesn't call back. It's fine. We can always talk in the morning.

Indigo nestles into Jade's shoulder and closes her eyes. I smile at them and Jade catches my eye. She grabs her phone out.

'So what do you think of her?' she texts me. I look up at her over my screen and mouth the word 'perfect'. She makes a heart shape with her hands and I grin. I'm so happy for her. She looks down at the girl leaning on her and strokes her hair. 

"You're perfect, Indie," she mumbles and I hear a small giggle from Indigo. 

My phone buzzes again. I think it's another text from Jade but its Patty. I open it happily.

'Sorry I can't really talk right now. I have to study for a test tomorrow.'

'Okay. Have a great night.' I reply staring at my screen in disappointment. Isn't tomorrow Saturday? Why would he have a test? It just must be something they do at his new school. I shrug it off and chuck my phone into my purse.

The streetlights flash past my window and I sigh. 

I wake up the next morning with a hollow feeling in my chest. I miss Patty. 

I didn't realise how much time I'd been spending with him before he left. Without him around, there isn't much to do here. Every day feels the same. Boring. I'm sitting at my desk scribbling out a letter. He hasn't been responding to my texts but I'm hoping this will get through to him. No one can resist a handwritten letter in the mail that's spritzed with a little perfume. 

He called me late last night. He sounded distant. Like he was a million miles away in a fairytale, too busy slaying dragons and rescuing damsels to talk to me. I don't know what's going on with him, what's going on with us or really what I expected to happen at all. Being in a long-distance relationship is a lot harder then I thought it'd be. 

I scrunch up the paper for the fifth time and chuck it into the wastebasket. I just can't get it right. That's when I notice the small slip of paper buried at the bottom which its scrawling writing and folded edges. I eye it warily and smooth it out on the desk, 'Lavender Monarch's Thirteen Fears'. It's my list.