lol stuff

1-22

1.Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once.

2.If Apple were to ever make a car... would it have Windows?

3.Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness"

4.I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.

5.I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.

6.Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

7.We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8."The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln

9.If it's the thought that counts, think money.

10.What's a library? Is that like a big kindle?

11.Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

12.Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

13.Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast.

14.An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

15.Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.

16.Say "I won a math debate" really fast.  go ahead try it. :| comment the results

17.Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

18.I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

19.I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this sh*t  to a whole new level.

20.Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.

21.If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

22.Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp... He's probably thick and tired of it.