Imbalance

▪︎Epilogue▪︎

"His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me." The young songstress whom I had learnt was Londyn's cousin belted the lyrics of the soulful song before losing her composure and joined the rest her family in mourning. A mixture of tears and snot ran down her face and accumulated at her chest as her sorrow was manifested. Seeing Londyn's family in agony caused me to break down for the umpteenth time since I'd arrived at the church. The judge had been reluctant about allowing me to attend Londyn's funeral but evenly gave in after it was argued that I wasn't a flight risk. I had willingly given myself over to law enforcement the night I was arrested and I pled guilty to murdering Thana.

The cop who had been ordered to accompany me to the funeral sympathetically patted my shoulders as I wept bitterly. Glancing to my right where the family sat I noticed Amalie's drenched face, and Thyssen laid in his grandfather's arms wailing at the top of his lungs. Even Khayoné was in attendance, he was visibly distraught. Feeling as though I was being suffocated by the sadness as each painful minute passed by, I decided to view Londyn's body one last time before I made my exit. I relied on the strapping officer for support as my legs felt like rubber leaving the church. Once outside, I slid from the officer's grasp and my knees collided with the concrete as I fell.

The heavens shared in my sadness as dark clouds overtook the sky and a heavy downpour was released. I raised my eyes heavenward and question why Londyn had been taken away from my children and I, from her entire family. The cop beckoned for me to get up and get into the car but I refused to take heed. In that moment I wanted to die, to escape this misery that I'd been living in.

Shaking my head, I tried to rid myself of memories that insisted on haunting me. It had been two years since Londyn's passing and everyday I was forced to relive the night she had been murdered. No therapy sessions could cure the constant battle that was going on inside of me. Each day I felt like I was step closer to totally losing my mind. To add to this, I had been in cell where I was alone. I was deemed emotionally unstable and possibly posed a threat to the other inmates. Depression had long waged war on my soul, fuelling the emptiness that plagued me since Londyn's death.

Hopping off of my bed, I traipsed over to the wall where I had stuck a picture of Londyn with a smiling Amalie by her side fixing Thyssen's pacifier. Tears streamed down my face as I stroked the picture lovingly as though I'd some how recover my loss. I had lost my children along the way of losing myself. I hadn't seen them since Londyn's funeral and I planned to keep it that way. It was best that they forget my existence considering that I wasn't going to be released anytime soon. I was comvicted and sentenced to twenty years behind bars for murder in the second degree. I wasn't surprised when the judged delivered the sentence. I felt no remorse for killing Thana. She had taken the love of my life and the mother of my children away without a second thought.

Prying the picture from the wall, I journeyed back to my bunk and laid down with the picture snuggled close to my chest. I sobbed in silence, remembering that we would've been celebrating her twenty eight birthday today had she been alive. As the tears burnt my eyes I squeezed them shut hoping to keep the others at bay. However, I failed miserably as the downpour only increased with every increased effort to stop wailing. I fell into a fit of coughs as I choked on my sorrow.

One of the guards came rushing to my cell with a glass of water and my medicine in hand. This had become a daily routine for he and I. I would reflect on memories of Londyn before morphing into a ball of emotions and the guard would drug me hoping to induce some semblance of pacification. They never worked however. The drugs made me robotic and I stopped taking them long ago. I preferred to face the onslaught of emotions in my natural state. I usually hid the pills under my tongue, or forced myself to gag on the few occasions that it was necessary for me to raise my tongue as proof that I wasn't doing what they suspected.