Name of my Love | on hold

six

Night is gone

"I don't know."

He gapes in disbelief, clear drool forming at the corner of his lips. I'm guessing to hear his laughter or perhaps a shrewd remark. Just something. I clear my throat, nervously, and wait for him to react properly with words.

And here goes nothing.

He simply remains stagnant and indecipherable. I find it hard to disentangle the strings of emotions he doesn't want to show. He has triumphed over the art of nonchalance with flair. He is thoughtful enough not to interrogate me any further. Or perhaps, is quite stunned by my reply.

"It's alright, don't worry, I'll recover soon, I hope," I say with a forced smile on my face, fiddling my fingers on the rim of the bowl, "I'm really doing fine. "

It takes a couple of seconds for him to filter out his thoughts.

"You don't have to pretend it's okay," he responses, in a light but considerate tone. True. Who am I trying to fool? He has obviously caught the uncertainty in my voice. "It's okay not to be fine. It's the way things are."

"Thank you," I mouth, scratching the back of my neck.

"Ah, no, I didn't say anything––"

"Not about what you said. It is for everything. Food, shelter for tonight, and for taking care of a sick forgetful stranger," I say, oozing out the emotions I kept at the back of my heart, "the dinner was delicious."

He just nods faintly, unable to give any descent reply and I try to stay strong. His phone rings, interrupting our brief conversation. A temporary wave of relief washes me as he beelines for the couch where he kept his phone. After reaching there, he picks up the call.

His back faces me, and soft whispers of him talking on the phone fills the silence.

I get time to rethink about myself. The oblivion is terrible. I virtually burst out at the thought of my plaintive condition, and earlier, the mention of it was enough to break me down.

Watching him hang up the call, I quickly stand up and take the empty bowl and plates with me, to the sink.

Even though, I am running away from everyone and everything, I don't want to escape. My chest burns and there is a rush inside which is eating me in and out. I want someone to remind me who I am.

Someone who would redefine my name.

The gentle reverberations of his footsteps come across the kitchen, which stops right behind my back. He is here. I quickly wipe up the little tears drizzling down the corner of my eyes. But the presence of him behind me do not bother my tears as they still bulge out and cascade down my cheeks uncontrollably. Stop crying.

I'm so stupid.

My nose is turning a faint red, and I feel ashamed to face him. He has endured enough of my drama already. Firstly, I lied to him; secondly, I've fainted over him; thirdly, I've made him cook dinner for me, and now these persistent absurd tears of mine. Why am I so weak?