Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

12. tsunami

"I didn't know you could act that well," my mother says and I grin at her.

"Thanks for coming. It really means a lot," I say to everyone. They all just smile and everyone insists on hugging me and giving me too many compliments. I must admit, it is kind of nice. Even June's mum gives me a box of chocolates as a celebratory gift. 

I eventually pull myself away with the excuse that I need to collect up some final things from backstage. I won't see my parents until I get home tonight now. They are taking all my stuff back with them and I'm getting a lift with Amelia to the after-party. It's at Patty's house. His parents were kind enough to invite us all over for a couple of hours to celebrate.

When I get back-stage, I see Patty putting the props away in the boxes. It's only us two behind here right now as everyone else is still with their families. His family didn't come, he wouldn't tell me why. 

"Lavender!" he cries wrapping me up in another hug. I throw my arms around his neck. "I'm so proud of you. That was spectacular. The set looked amazing too, I know how much effort you put into that."

"Thank-you. But I wouldn't have even said a single line if you didn't come to my rescue and I never would have finished the set if it wasn't for you staying back late with me."

"Always so humble," he says pulling away from the hug. We don't entirely disentangle though. He has his hands around my waist and my arms are resting on his shoulders. 

"Seriously Patty, I owe it all you. Thank-you. That could have gone incredibly badly."

"I would do it again in a heartbeat." I stare up at him and I feel a surge of love race through me. The way he's looking at me makes me want to melt into a puddle. He's such a great friend. 

"And you look beautiful too," he says. I look down embarrassed but I can't help but smile.

"Patty!"

"What?" His voice has dropped down to a low whisper. "It's true."

I look up at him and it hits me. It would be so easy to kiss him right now. I glance down at his lips and back up to his eyes. Crap, I think he noticed. I feel my knees go weak and my stomach is doing summersaults. He is looking right into my eyes and I don't break his gaze this time.

"Patty," I whisper.

"Yes?" he says and he moves an inch closer, tilting his head. Our lips are almost touching and I can feel the heat of his breath on my face. The anticipation is almost too much. But I can't quite close the gap. 

Germs. So many germs. If I kiss him, so many germs will be transferred. The thoughts makes me feel sick. There are billions of little microbes on his tongue right now and the thought of them touching me. I recoil pulling back. 

"I'm sorry," I say. "I just can't right now." He drops his arms and steps back looking slightly dejected.

"It's okay," he says. "We can take things slow." He's too good for me. That's the second time he's tried to kiss me and I've stopped him.

There is so much tension in the air, I can hardly think. I slip back around to the front and try to calm myself. I sit down in the seats and rest my head on the cold plastic of the chair in front of me. My family has already left and most of the cast is saying their goodbyes and heading backstage now.

I can't stop thinking about what almost just happened. The fact that I almost kissed him, that I wanted to. It means I'm catching feelings. We were supposed to only be friends. I struggle to catch my breath. No, no, no, no. This can't happen. I can't fall for someone. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to die. I feel like I'm blazing as hot as the sun. I'm hurtling through space at a million miles per hour. I'm out of control. 

I push the chairs away and gasp for air. I stumble out of the hall, pushing open the massive doors. I heave into a bush. How did this happen? I can't believe I was so naive. I need to delete him from my contacts. I can never talk to him again. It's too dangerous. 

There's nothing left to throw up but I keep dry heaving into the bush anyways. Hot tears spill down my cheeks and I sink onto my knees. What's wrong with me? The pavement in cold on the palms of my hands as I kneel there spluttering as I try to breathe. 

How could he do this to me? Why did he do it? He must've known all along that he was manipulating me. That I'd fall for him and now that I have, he'll leave me and never come back. He'll break my heart and leave me to drown in my lovesick porridge. 

I wipe my nose on my sleeve and stumble up. I need to get to the bathroom where no-one can see me looking like this. I duck around the corner into the hall, covering my face. If Patty or someone saw me right now, there's no doubt they will follow me in and I can't have that happening. 

I feel someone grab my wrist and I shake them off not caring who it is. I need everyone to leave me alone. 

"Lavender?" I whip my head around. It's June. What is he still doing here? I push past him into the bathroom and lean on the sink. I glance up at my reflection in the mirror and see my pale steer stained cheeks and my sullen expression. Mirror. 

I instantly jerk away and a new wave of panic washes over me. I can't escape it now. I really am going to die. I looked in a mirror. I feel someone come over and wrap me in their arms. 

"You can't be in here," I whisper in between the sobs that wrack my body. 

"Do you think I care about the rules when my best friend is having a mental break down?" He strokes my hair gently and I lean into him. Mental break down? That's not what this is. 

I don't want to die. The thought comes in a flash. It only makes me cry more. Why was I so reckless? I feel a tsunami of panic wash over me and I gasp for air. 

I'm drowning in the waves. The white foam washes over me and I sink below. I struggle to swim upwards but every time I get above and try to take a breath of air my lungs are filled with the salty liquid instead. I cough and struggle but I can feel my body going limp. I grab my necklace in a last ditch effort to calm myself. 

"Shhh, it's okay." I can faintly hear someone speaking to me. Nothing is okay. "We're going to get you some help." Help? It's too late for that. I'm already dead.