Lacrosse

38: Forgive Him and Kiss Him

Hey guys! So this chapter somehow got deleted so I rewrote it in a rush! Please point out any typos because I published without proofreading!

I'm supposed to tell Jessica my deepest secrets.

I'm supposed to trust her with knowing the darkest moments of my memory. The largest skeleton in my closet.

But how am I supposed to trust her? How am I supposed to tell her everything after what she's done?

And even if I could trust her, what more is there to tell? She already knows my darkest secrets. She already knows about the rape. She was partially responsible for that. She already knows about the stalking. She was involved in that.

What else am I supposed to say? That when I was seven I took a gum ball from the candy shop without paying but felt so bad that I bought a whole bag of gumballs and dropped them off in the store's mailbox?

So we just sit there in silence for a while, each of us already knowing exactly what it is that the other is supposed to say.

That is until Jessica breaks the silence. "Look, I know that you don't want to forgive me. I don't expect you to. I don't expect you to ever forgive Todd either. I expect you to hate us until the day you forget our names and I'll totally understand if that's what you want. That's what I'd do too."

I cross my arms over my chest and huff. "That's the plan."

"Just, please, forgive Josh. He was set up to break your heart and it worked. Our plan worked. But along the way he broke his heart too and you broke yours as well. You two love each other more than anyone or anything else and that feeling doesn't come more than once in a lifetime. So the two of you need to Scotch tape the shit out of your hearts before they both become too mangled to figure out which piece goes where."

I've been avoiding looking into Jessica's eyes this whole time. She's got the type of eyes that let you see every emotion that she's feeling. They're like a pool of caramel set in her eyes. I look in them and I see it. I see the regret of what she's done. I see the pain her actions have caused her.

She's right though, as much as I hate to admit it. I love Josh more than anything and staying away from him hurts me more than anything in the past two weeks have. It hurts me more than Michael Corbin ever can. It hurts me more than seeing Josh kiss that slut. It hurts me more than hearing those wicked words Mrs. Thompson hissed about me.

And I know what I want and I know what I need.

* * * * *

That next night, I sit in the top row of the bleachers of the lacrosse stadium alongside my teammates, watching the boys play their hearts out.

They aren't the same team they used to be though and I know exactly why.

The characteristic of Lincoln Central's lacrosse teams that have always set us apart from the rest is our love, not for the game, but for each other. We've always been like a family to each other and that special bond has always been able to be seen by anyone watching.

It's not there tonight, however. They're playing like they've never met each other before in their lives and it's showing on the scoreboard.

Thirteen to four at halftime.

Josh sits alone on the bench, sipping yellow Gatorade out of a small Dixie cup from the cooler sitting next to him, other cups of the same style littering the ground surrounding his feet. The rest of his teammates are gathered around Coach Scott, listening to the same pep talk he gives every time. It's long and intense, but I can summarize it in a single word: win.

He wants his boys to win.

I stand up abruptly, knowing what it is I have to do and knowing that I need to do it now. I push my way past the line of girls sitting beside me, muttering an excuse me as I go.

I take the steps two at a time as I go down them, stopping only once I reach the fence the separates the bleachers from where the players are.

"Josh," I say. He cranes his neck and looks up at me, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Come here."

He unhooks the facemask of his helmet and lifts it up as he steps up so he is standing on the bench, eye level with me.

His smile grows when he sees that I'm smiling back at him. "Hey."

"Go out there and win this game." I lean forward and press my lips to his, murmuring I love you as I do so.

In that moment, nothing matters. What happens the rest of the game does not matter. It does not matter than both Lincoln Central teams go on to win the state championship, and then continue on to win nationals.

Because in the end, they're only games. It's two games, four hours of our lives.

Josh and I, we're forever.