Lacrosse

33- Shoebox and Door Knocks

Kendall

"He loved you sweetie," my mom coos, removing one hand from the steering wheel in order to squeeze mine.

"Then why would he do this?" I cry. My mom does not answer. I don't expect her to. She can't know the answer. Nobody can know the answer except for Josh and I'm not going to get it from him. His excuse that he couldn't stop her is just stupid. She was like a toothpick! I could probably snap her leg in half just by poking it. There's no way she could've overpowered him.

*****

When we pull into the driveway of our home, I'm surprised to see that the red spray paint is no longer visible on the exterior. A fresh coat of paint has been applied to the entire trailer. There is no peeling or weathering on it, an obvious sign that it's new. This place has been here for years before my family bought it and I don't think it'd been painted since it was made.

A piece of me wants to smile, thinking of Josh. He painted my house for me. He bought the paint and spent his time opposing exactly what he promised to do, figure out how to hide the vandalism from my parents. He was never one to break promises.

Then again, he did promise that he would always love me.

Another part of me wants to go over and peel the new coat off with my fingernails. I want to scrape it off so there is no evidence of Josh ever being there. I don't want to remember the good times, because they only make these bad times hurt even worse.

*****

I don't go to school the next day. My mom doesn't question my reasoning and doesn't blame me for not wanting to go. She calls me in sick on Wednesday too. And Thursday as well.

I just lay in bed for the two days, doing the assignments that Destiny has dropped off for me, and go to the back side of my house to throw a tennis ball against the wall, catching with my lacrosse stick.

On Thursday night, I find myself looking through an old shoe box from Freshman year. Inside are the memories of a whole year with Josh. There are pictures from our first dates and photo strips from the photobooths in the mall and movie theater. There's the wish bracelet he gave to me that I wore until the day it fell off, the day the wish I made when he tied it around my wrist was to come true. I don't remember what I wished for. I don't remember if it came true. It doesn't matter anymore. It never really did.

Inside the Nike box also lays the old love letters we used to write and the notes we used to pass in the one class we shared, Spanish I.

I hesitate before pulling out the stack of papers, not knowing if I want to reminisce back to the times when things were so simple. I took it all for granted. I overlooked the simplicity of what we had and the way it was so effortless. Things change though. Bad things happen and I have to accept that.

I drop the papers back into the box, deciding that reading them will only make matters worse. I plan on returning to school tomorrow and I don't want anything to delay it, and the letters will only make me want to avoid seeing him in the hallways even more. When the notes land though, one unfolds, revealing rows of sloppy handwriting that I would recognize anywhere. Without thinking, I grab the letter out of the stack and begin to read it. I remember this letter. He wrote it to me on our six month anniversary. It was the first time he said that he loved me.

Kendall,
Six months ago today, I got the courage to make the greatest decision of my life. I saw you standing in the hallway and you looked so beautiful. Your hair was shorter then, only reaching your shoulders, and you had a braid running across the front. You were wearing your varsity jacket and jeans. You looked so perfect and you weren't even trying to. I had been scared mindless to ask you that five word question. Asking you: Will you be my girlfriend? seemed like climbing a mountain that day. We had gone out before, to the movies and to dinner. I figured you'd say yes, but in the back of my mind the fear that you would say no nagged me. I knew you were too good for me, and I didn't think you would want to say yes. But that day I finally grew some balls and asked you. You said yes and that one three letter word was the world to me.
Now we have been dating or six months and I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you. Yes, I love you. I've felt that way for a while but I never wanted to say it. I didn't want to scare you away. I don't care anymore. I need to tell you how I feel and I love you Kendall. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. I'm still scared of losing you though, because you are my world. Me without you is like Shaggy without Scooby, Batman without Robin, Spongebob without Patrick. I don't want to think about what my life would be like without you by my side.
Love,
Josh

Reading the letter breaks my heart into a million pieces. I didn't think it could break anymore, for it wasn't even whole to start with, but I was wrong. Each individual piece of my heart just became a million more. It just reminds me of what I've lost. He's the love of my life. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone like I love him. I may only be seventeen years old. I may only be a Junior in high school. I may have years and years to meet new people and find the right person, but what is the use of the time if I know I have already found him?

No. No. He's not the right one. If he was, he wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have kissed me the way he did Saturday night. He wouldn't have cheated on me with whoever that Kimmy girl was on Monday.

I don't need love. I don't need Josh. I don't need anyone or anything but myself and lacrosse.

Lacrosse is the love of my life. It's the thing that keeps me calm. It's the thing that brings me joy. It makes me smile when I want to frown. When I'm on the field, I am unstoppable. I am untouchable. Nothing can hurt me and nothing can bring me down. I'm in control of my life and what will happen. Nobody else is going to mess with that.
Love does not exist. Love is a myth created by companies like Disney to bring hope to young children. It is a lie that is meant to be believed by those who are ignorant.

I see the truth now. I see that love is fake. I see that it was manufactured to fool the believers like myself. It is a trap to get you hurt. To break your heart and stomp the pieces like a bug.

I see the truth, and I won't allow myself to be tricked again.

I will not love again.

I shove the letter back into the shoebox set next to me on my small bed and close the lid. Overcome by anger, I pick it up and fling it across my bedroom. The cardboard breaks open as it smacks against my wall and drops to the ground, the contents scattering everywhere. The letters and photographs that were neatly stacked now lay haphazardly across the uneven wooden floor.

I flop backwards on my bed and turn over, burying my face into the pillow. I begin to scream, the fluffy pillow muffling the cries of pain, sadness, anger, frustration, and heartbreak.

This is when I hear a knock on the screechy metal door on my house.