Frozen Hearts

Chapter 20

[Flashback]

She sat in her room, dressed from head to toe in black, staring blankly at the floor and feeling hollow inside. Beneath her the house was a buzz with sympathetic mourners offering her family looks of pitty and more comfort food then they'd know what to do with it. After the billionth "I'm sorry for you loss" she sneaked up into her bedroom and locked herself in there, unable to thank people any further for being politically correct. Those people didn't know what she was going through. They had no idea how empty and lifeless she felt. How her heart ached to look into that kitchen and realise that her mother would never prepare a single meal there ever again. To pass by her parents bedroom door and know with a heart shattering certainty that she wouldn't be on the other end. To walk away from her mother's grave with the notion that she'd be walking into an empty house, a place that was a littles less home without Francine's warm laughter and boisterous voice echoing through it.

She sat on her bed in shock, chilled to the bone (though the weather outside was relatively warm) and completely dried out of all her tears. All she could do was stare at the ground and sigh. Her mothers passing had made her painfully aware of all she'd lost. Her mother, her ability to skate and her best friend all within the span of two short years. She was exhausted and just about ready to give up on happiness, she couldn't bare the heart ache of another loss. She was afraid it might kill her.

Iris found herself sinking into a sea but staying alive, drowning over and over again with no land in sight. No one to save her. She was swimming, trying to stay a float and everytime she thought she might just make it, a wave crashed upon her, forcing her under once again. She needed a life guard, a hero, someone who could drag her out of her misery and show her that the world wasn't all that bad. That there was still a possibility of happiness along some distant shore, she just needed help getting there.

From the depths of her memory an image resurfaced. Barry's smilling face at her bedside when she woke up at the hospital after her appendix got removed. The same face he had the night after her mother's first chemo session and believe it or not it was that exact same expression that he offered her the day she got her first cramp. The warmth that radiated from his smile communicated a message that he would always be there to keep her from stormy seas. That he would hold her when the storm came and keep her safe through the thunder. That was the smile she needed then and it was with that subconscious notion that she picked up her phone and sent him a message.

Nothing prolonged yet urgent enough that she hoped he would respond. Her final plea written with the utmost sincerity:

*Barry, I need you*

[Iris]

She could barely believe what her ears had just heard. The words she longed to hear him say the most yet was some how unprepared to hear them. She'd been in a state of defence for so long that finding the acceptance needed for forgiveness proved to be challenging. She was hurt and on a more subliminal level she was angry.

"Sorry for what exactly Barry," she croaked while trying to keep her voice steady. His eyes seemed sincere and the creases of distress along his beautiful face were so foreign to the Barry she knew, so out of place.

"For the past seven years," he answered with a tone of defeat.
"I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me, I'm sorry for thinking that you would ever forget about us, I'm -"

"Forget about us? What do you mean forget about us? I started thinking that there was no *us* to forget. You made that perfectly clear when you erased me from your life without a second thought," she cut him off, the pain in her voice more pronounced than she anticipated.

"That's just the thing Iris, I didn't. It might be hard to belive, I know, but until this morning - until a few hours ago - I had no idea that you tried to reach out to me. I hadn't received any of your texts or calls." he explained and his eyes didn't betray a single shred of dishonesty.
"And I'm guessing you didn't receive any of mine."

At that her eyes widened. She shook her head 'no'.
"The last message I got from you was the one you sent the morning you left for London. I stayed up all night waiting for your call. For two nights I waited for my phone to ring but it never did. But I defended you. Against myself, against the person my mind was painting you out to be. My heart could never imagine you as a selfish, inconsiderate prick. At least not until last night," she confessed, the sting of tears returning to her eyes.

"I'm mostly sorry about that. I was enraged, I might even say jealous. All I saw at that moment was you, with him. He always prided himself and having been your first and it just killed me inside to picture you with such a scum of a human being. You deserved better. You deserved - "

"You? Isn't that what you're thinking? That I deserved you? Someone who knew me, who appreciated me, who would have valued me for the person I was not just the body I had to offer? Well guess what Barry? You weren't here. You told me you'd always be here, you built a fortress around me and being the sentimental idiot that I was I believed you. I let myself be comforted by your lies and empty promises and when you left, when you forgot about me - about us - you took all that away. I was vulnerable and alone and believe it or not Eddie can be pretty convincing when he wants to be. So yeah. I fell for him. I put myself in his hands in hopes that he would fix me, that he would put me back together from the mess that losing you had turned me into." The strength of her revelations brought the tears back with an unstoppable force and her shoulders began to tremble slightly as they ran down her cheeks. Her face a steel mask.

A flash of pain passed briefly through his eyes and he reached out to hold her but she backed away from his touch.

"If you need any confirmation then it's true. Eddie was my first, but he wasn't my only first. You were my first kiss, and the first man to ever break my heart. I've found a way to live with that, I hope you can too."

"Iris I -"

"I know Barry. You're sorry, but you know what? Sorry isn't going to fix this. I don't know what happened between our texts and quite frankly, right now, I could care less. Nothing is going to take back the humiliation you put me through last night, or make me unfeel the sting of your words and nothing can change the way you see me."
I look at him for a mere second longer, taking in his features before I turn away and open the door to make my escape inside. Before I step in I leave him with a whispered, over the shoulder remark.

"I'm sorry too, Barry. Sorry that I ever let you take me back on to the ice that day. My life would have been alot simpler if I'd just learned to lick my own wounds."