Jewels ✔️

Chapter 48

To all the mothers out there that lost a child, you're strong and in sha Allah the almighty has something better in store for you✨❤️

JAWAHIR

Do I count as a mother when my body never gave birth, when my child never drew a breath on this earth.
Do I count as mother when my belly never grew, when I never heard your heartbeats or your cries the whole night through.
Do I count as a mother when you don't even have a name, never knowing if you were a boy or a girl, no one understands this pain. Please let me count as a mother.

I never got to hold you or bounce you on my lap. I never got to watch you as you nap. You slipped away so quickly and I want the world to know, I love you just the same.

***

I closed the notebook and pushed it aside. I don't know how to express my emotions right now so I decided to write them down, a tip my therapist once gave me. I never used it but I'm glad I did now, I feel a little bit better. I'm not ready to talk about it with anyone yet because right now it hurts a little too much.

Some people feel they don't have a right to grieve for their lost baby, if the loss happened in early pregnancy. But the truth is everyone has the right to grieve and grieving isn't even a choice we make, it's an essential part of healing a broken heart.

I pulled my crutches to help me stand up at the same time Ya Fifi walked in. "Jawahir!" She scolded and kept the pile of clothes she was holding. "How many times do I have to tell to stop trying to stand up on your own? You know you're not supposed to, because of your ribs." She huffed and placed me on the wheel chair. I hate this wheel chair with a passion.

"Thank you Ya Fifi," I smiled. She returned the smile and walked around to push me. I quickly held the wheels. "I will do it." I heard her hiss under her breath. "You will never change," she said and left the room. She's mad, I sighed. Ya Fifi is a pediatric nurse, she's always helping, so whenever I refuse her help she gets angry.

I released a breath and wheeled myself outside. I met Mama and Mammie in the family room watching Tv, they're watching Nat Geo, uhm no thanks. Mammie looked up when she heard the sound of my wheels. "Habibty do you need anything?" I shook my head. "No, I'm just tired of sitting down inside alone."

I wheeled myself to the end of the room but someone pushed me to the middle. I turned my neck to see Suhayl. "Hey munchkin."

I glared at him. Suhayl raised his hands in surrender. "Sorry," Just then his twin walked in covered in flour from head to toe, holding a plate. My eyes bulged out, what did she do?

"No, no," Mama stopped her from stepping in. "Don't enter this living room, Suhayla what did you do?" Suhayla pouted her lips. "I-I baked cookies."

I used my palms to close my mouth, to stifle the laughter threatening to escape. I can see Mammie and Mama trying to do the same, but Suhayl being the insensitive person he is stared laughing hysterically, he even bent down, holding his stomach.

"What on earth made you think you can bake?" He asked in between laughter. "Leave that to the experts, please." He added looking at me. Suhayla looked like she's about to cry, she hurriedly walked up the stairs.