My Thoughts, Dreams and What People Think of Me Also Some Prayers And COMPLAINTS

July 8, 2019

I am the worst got blamed by everyone and  maybe my mom will eventually find out and I think I should just kill myself already it's the worst that could happen to me as a person this is the worst part of my life me being retarded me being alive. I'm back homies I'm back to hell I shouldn't have requested a special class if it will be me whose to be blamed in now I wish I could just die already maybe then I would be happy because I somehow surpress my feelings and that only end up the wrong way "SUICIDE" I 'm not lying when I'm saying this but if I have a knife now no more telling I will just shove that damn thing and be over with besides this is not their problem at all it's mine. I know for a fact that everything's been happening because It is always me you know how my brain works right and how I cannot handle too many at once and so many instructions that they just shove it all and if you failed you're through. I have one thought running in my mind right now how to slowly kill yourself. Easy just do what a suicidal would. How will my mother react to this yeah she'd be happy I'm dead less burden less person to care of like she cared. I always try following demands I'm not saying it command because literally people will just tell you what to do and wether you like it or not you need to follow.

I'm currently crying today I'm pouring my heart out. Yeah It's good to cry It's awful as well. Especially in making feel agrieved I think I won't last long just a little push left I happened to be attacked by my suicidal thoughts yeah It bugs you when you are at it's weakest. Who told you I have someone their just there if they need you or something happened involving them and I already guessed right from the start that I won't make it in this year I wish I reset everything and plan it carefully all over again right from the very beggining like in fantasies but yeah who am I kidding once the jig is up you're toast I'm totally screwed and It's only me against everyone all of them "the WORLD" rather. They will blame me again tommorow and perhaps they just think that I am a fool I am an Idiot a fully retarded idiot who don't know what full responsibility mean just as sir Aki said it is delinquency, this is an utter repeat of the same mistake. Shame of me and shame for my mom and perhaps she will disown me knowing this and yes she's kind of a bit pissed would be an understatement she definitely am dis appointed of me my brains are functioning differently from them that is why I will take all of the blame and what next yeah "KILL YOURSELF" that's my answer for them insisting on me still studying in this shithole what you called a program that is not worth my time and efforts. I really am back my depressed side which I am currently fighting but It's just me and always be me who is wrong here because it's me I make mistake almost every second loke right now my whole being is being judged by my own mind it is criticizing me on how people would look at you like some kind of entertainment like an animal. Yeah maybe I am just that person a scum of the earth an ugly thing who shouldn't have been born as they say KARMA'S a FUCKING BITCH. Not to mention God I don't think he will rescue me anymore as I have abandoned him. I don't know what lies ahead and noone will listen not even a help except for Ailleen but I don't call it help it is just a favor and it is just to see me fail and get rejected wanna bet? Like I would believe her I can't even trust myself and she think I didn't notice thay like them she blamed me well it really is my fault and I have alot coming tommorrow I don't think I can pass this FUCKING SHIT. Heck I don't even care only if my mother would allow me on what I want.I only want to enjoy I want something easy or perhaps I should just stop this bullshit and look down on myself since everyone do the same to me yep Filipino really have that habit on pulling each other down as much as possible so that no one can be higher than the other. I feel lifeless right now I can't sleep I won't sleep I am not going to sleep. I'll keep torturing myself so that I could go insane and done with. I also think that people see me as a pathetic person they don't treat me as human I don't have the rights to be like this. I don't have the rights to get depressed. People will only use me I wish this would just all end. Everything. I know that nobody would care. Even if I'm gone.